- Alcohol
Having the life of a stay-at-home mom was working for Lois. She had two beautiful children. Her husband, a successful business man, was well-liked and a good provider. They had an active social life, of which his drinking was a regular part. Life started to change when her children went off to school. With more time on her hands at home and the added responsibilities of school age children, she could start to see and feel the impact that drinking was having on her marriage. Although he did not drink in the house, the burden of responsibility at home was on Lois. It did not feel like her marriage was what it was supposed to be, so she sought out a solution. Reaching for the phonebook, she found a number to a 12-step meeting for family members. The voice on the other end connected her to a meeting across town. Attending regularly, she listened to what was said, and it resonated with what she was feeling. But she missed the point. She complained about her husband and took others’ inventory, all the time avoiding herself. After a year and a half, she was dissatisfied and gradually discontinued going to the meetings. She thought she would never return. Life was not getting any better. She was unable to see that her harsh words and controlling behaviors contributed to her discontent. They were making matters worse.
During this time, Lois fell from a horse, causing a traumatic brain injury. She was under medical care for over a year. The injury was failing to resolve itself as the doctors thought it should. The hope was to heal her impaired memory. Her neighbor/driver during this time asked the doctors if a therapy class would help. They all agreed that it could benefit Lois. Her friend found a class she thought to be a good choice and signed Lois up. On the first night of class, it became apparent this was not the type of therapy class she was expecting. It turned out to be a class on addiction for counselors needing re-certification. During introductions, the instructor recognized the difference between Lois and her other students. Being active in her own recovery and very spiritual, she responded to the situation by saying to Lois, “In God’s world, nothing happens by mistake. You are here for a reason.” She remained in the class. Lois received two gifts from this class, which she was not supposed to be in. The first gift came in the form of a class requirement. She needed to attend a weekly 12-step meeting. This took her back to the rooms she rejected before. This second time around, she got it. Her second gift was the message from her instructor to do something with what she learned in class. She told her, “God has a better plan and you should listen to it.” This was the start of a new life and career for Lois. Her head was clearing. Her impaired brain gave her the time to process the changes that were happening without her interfering in her own journey. She was no longer in charge. Her spiritual journey had begun and she was overwhelmed with gratitude. This was nothing short of a miracle in her eyes.
Lois now undertook the challenge of completing her education to become an addiction counselor. A two-year program turned into a five-year process as Lois took it at a slower pace and took time to heal her physical and emotional injuries. Living with an alcoholic was tolerable. He was a nice person, he traveled with work, he did not drink at home, he did not share the same friends as her and he supported her desire to go to meetings and become an addiction counselor. But all the while, he was living in his own denial. She took care of the children, had a support system, continued going to meetings, accepted her powerlessness over others and stepped away. They functioned with an emotional distance that worked until Lois was finishing school. After interning, Lois knew she loved the new field she was entering and it had helped her to heal. She was ready to take her exams for certification and went to talk to her supervisor. He told her bluntly, “I would not sign off for you to take the exam because you are still living with active alcoholism. You would be toxic to clients.” She continued living the steps, detached with love and took the next big step in her recovery. She divorced from an unhealthy relationship. She passed her exams and continues to be an addiction counselor for women in recovery from alcoholism. She also provides education and support to family members walking the journey with their loved ones.
Looking back, Lois can see how her journey was impacted long before her marriage started. Her mom was the oldest of seven siblings, who helped to raise the six younger children after the loss of her father. She then married a man who was the youngest of seven, raised by older sisters. She was always the parent and never the child. It was like a mother marrying a son, when it came to assuming responsibilities in their marriage. She had all the family’s answers and made the decisions. Her mom never knew any other way. This was the view of marriage that Lois grew up with and it fueled her behaviors in her own marriage. She also came from a family with no history of alcoholism and thought she had all the answers to her alcoholic’s problems. But this made her emotionally unavailable to herself. Being raised and schooled in structured religion left her thinking this was the only way to look at the spiritual side of life. Her 12-step program has brought her the serenity and peace she had not found in her childhood church and has helped her find a freedom to broaden her view of spirituality. She now attends her church and runs the addiction ministry to help those in her parish who seek out recovery.
The impact on her family has been visible. Some scars are still healing for her children. Birth order, differences in age and maturity, has left each child with their own awareness and acceptance of their life’s experience so far. Their awareness has also been shaped by living with codependent behaviors and watching the emotional and physical healing process of their mom. They understand their father’s illness. They have relationships with both parents on their own terms, are now married and share the joy of grandchildren together.
What motivates Lois today is the fact that she likes herself so much more than before, so she cannot afford to go back to where she was. It took recovery for her to realize that she didn’t like herself before. Now, she is able to let her children have a relationship with their dad without jumping in the mix. They can be together at family events, and she can be kind and pleasant. But she also has the choice to limit her time around his active alcoholism. She understands that some are called to recovery and others are not. She remains ever grateful that she was called. She will never give the gift of recovery away. She is grateful for everything she has been through to bring her to where she is today.
As a counselor, she has been given a gift and a reward. The gift is to let people be where they are in their process, just as she was allowed to do in her own recovery. Her reward is to be able to give back out of gratitude. She was given a second chance. If you were to seek out Lois for suggestions about recovery today, this is what you would hear her say: “Go in with an open mind, don’t pass judgment and don’t leave before the miracle happens. It is up to God’s timing, and your higher power is so patient.”