- Alcohol
- Drugs
I grew up in Portland, OR with my parents and my sister, who was born deaf. When I was seven years old, my parents told me that they had adopted me as an infant. I’ve always felt that it was the greatest gift for God. We were a unique but loving family, and I had all the things a boy could want.
I struggled with weight issues throughout my childhood and was often teased by other kids. I started using drugs to fit in, as many teenagers do. I was never the jock or the most popular kid. I hung out with the drug and alcohol users or the “freaks as they were called the 1970s. I started smoking pot and drinking when I was 15. After I graduated from high school in 1973, I got a job with the US Postal Service. That’s when my drug use escalated to amphetamines, and I discovered my drug of choice: crystal meth. I can only remember that the times were fun, but then the fun ran out. I had taken pain medications for my migraine headaches for many years, but after a back injury I discovered that pills were another way to dull my emotional pain. I began using Vicodin, Percocet and Valium regularly. I truly lived to use and used to live.
I married a woman and that lasted for three years. At the time, I believed I was bisexual. We continued to party, but when the party was over, so was our marriage. It wasn’t until later that I realized I was gay. After my marriage dissolved, I hit the gay bars of Washington, D.C., trying to find my place in life. The disease had a heavy grip on me and I was used, as I used others. As a teenager, I experienced an encounter that caused me severe mental and emotional trauma, which I am still dealing with today. After that encounter, I suffered from profound depression, anxiety, fear and shame. These negative emotions defined my life. I desperately wanted to get off the hamster wheel but I didn’t have any tools to deal with my issues. After four rehabs, a stay in a state hospital, multiple bankruptcies, failed relationships and lost cars and homes, my world was at a turning point. Each time I hit rock bottom, I did the same things, expecting different results. Several times I considered taking my own life but I never followed through because I knew that ending my life would disgrace the love and commitment of my parents and of God.
I was introduced to a recovery support group in the 1980s and stayed sober for many years. So some kind of seed was plated then. I always used drugs, though, and never understood why my life was the same. Then for the first time, I did all the right things. I went to meetings, got a sponsor and attended a home group. But something was still missing. I held onto the past, believing that my using was caused by everyone else’s problems, not mine. I lived in drama, lies and deceit.
For a couple of months in the summer of 2010, I returned to using my drug of choice, crystal meth. That’s when I truly hit rock bottom. At the worst and lowest moment in my life, I made a decision to call the employee assistance program through my job as a flight attendant with a major airline. The EAP put me in touch with a treatment center in California, where I was admitted that July. I didn’t go to the program to stop using drugs, but to stop lying to myself, my domestic partner and to life. I finally understood that all I had to do was be willing to surrender, be honest and show up for the process. With this new attitude, I was well on my way to a new recovery journey.
I know now that everything happened in divine order with God’s perfect timing. I stayed at the treatment center for 45 days and learned about dual diagnosis, alcohol, drugs, shame, guilt and fear. I never really knew how to deal with the core issues that were causing me to use drugs. But at the treatment program, I learned that if you can get inside yourself and honestly look at your issues, you could break the destructive cycle of compulsive behavior caused by the disease of addiction. It wasn’t until I brought those core issues to the front and center that I truly entered recovery. With the help and guidance of my wonderful therapist, my toolbox was now getting full. My life was changing, and it started by me totally surrendering and accepting that I was and still am a drug addict. The program of one-on-one therapy and coping skills education showed me that no matter who you are in life, a higher power will be by your side.
My life today is beyond my wildest dreams. No more do the negative voices clutter my mind. No more does drama consume me. The wonderful tools from the treatment program have helped me build a new foundation. I have an outstanding sponsor (a bald, tattooed bike dude) and I take all his suggestions. I work the steps of recovery because the joy in my life comes from them. I even won a national service award from the professional organization for flight attendants that I belong to. What a major turnaround!
Today my domestic partner and I are so in love. The 12 steps have become a huge part of our lives. He goes to his group recovery meeting and I got to my meetings regularly. As the staff at the treatment center suggested, we did counseling together and individually after I left treatment. Now we live each day in the here and now. Our home is on the beach, and we enjoy doing our morning daily readings together on our deck.
Now that addiction isn’t ruling my life, everything has changed. I have so much joy, serenity and peace and I can share them with my partner and give them back to the world. I can laugh and not take life so seriously. Today, my life is what my higher power always wanted for me and I know it can be the same for you!