- Mental Health
Hello, I’m Catherine and I’m a recovering addicted compulsive gambler. I thought I would share a little about myself and let you know a little about compulsive gambling, recovery and the blessings and rewards that my recovery has given me these past months. I’m a 50 year old woman who in my heart feels 30, which is another perk of recovery!
My gambling addiction started around 1996. I’m a survivor of child sex abuse and grew up with OCD, ADD, panic and agoraphobia and bipolar II disorder, all undiagnosed until adulthood. Growing up, I always FELT different from others. I figured out how to use my bubbly personality, comedy and fake smiles to cover all that was hurting me inside. I did not come from a family that gambled. It was a good family but had a bit of dysfunction as we got older because of my dad’s drinking and my brother dabbling in drugs. My oldest sister became a drunk too after her husband passed suddenly in 1992. His passing was when some of my problems with mental health started. He was the only person I ever told about my childhood abuse by a family friend, which went on for 2.5 years before my abuser died as a young adult. That put me in a bit of shock!
My gambling stared out slow, with the occasional trip to Reno, NV with my friends. Then Indian casinos began opening in the state where I live in, Oregon. The state of Oregon lottery soon introduced video poker machines and they began popping up everywhere! At this time, my husband was working in construction and was away for weeks at a time. We had no children, which meant I had a lot of time on my hands. So I started to go to the places that had video poker and slot machines. Like all other types of addictions, it began to progress, and I noticed that I was going more and more.
When my husband got employment closer to home and was not gone all the time, my lying started. I had to cover for the time I was gambling after work. I would go food shopping and end up gambling, so I was gone longer then it takes to shop! Then I was losing money, so I had to lie and cover for that. It got so bad that in 2002 I tried to commit to taking my own life but I failed. I thank the Lord that he had bigger plans for me because I made through it. I ended up in a mental health and addiction crisis center after my hospital stay. What a wake-up call! That was the first time I tried to enter recovery. I enrolled in a gambling treatment outpatient program. Funny enough, it was paid for by the Oregon state lottery!
I learned recovery the hard way. I did well for months but then I would relapse and try again. This was dragged out for a long period. While in the crisis center, the staff and my personal doctor found that I was also suffering from severe depression, panic and anxiety and possibly bipolar with low mania. So they started me on a whole lot of medications. I just wanted to be a “normal person” because when my family found out about all this, they treated me like I was a mental freak! Needless to say, I had some good months clean and then would relapse. I did this until it got real bad again in 2006, and I tried to end my life again!
My life with gambling addiction was spinning totally out of control. I was back in the hospital and then back in the crisis center a second time. Part of the cause was that I stopped taking my meds again because I wanted to just be a “normal person.” I also got into some criminal trouble as well this time. I’d stolen from someone, and they pressed charges. I was arrested at my home and taken to jail. I could not believe what I was doing to myself, my husband, my friends and anyone else who was close to me. I was a very sick woman. I got back on all new meds, and an addictions specialist from the crisis center asked if I was up to try some intense therapy with him. That started me on the road to recovery for good!
The therapy I did with him for a whole year and half was awesome. I learned more in that time with him then I had in all the years I was in and out of the gambling treatment programs. I was also attending addiction recovery meetings. I got through my legal problems, did 180 hours of community service, served two years probation and paid restitution to my victim. Then in 2011, I happened to read an article in a newspaper from Portland, Oregon that told of a woman in her late 40s who was found dead in a hotel room at a large Indian casino from a gunshot wound to the head. They said a note had been found next to her body saying to tell her family she was sorry. I had tears in my eyes because I could have been this woman. I knew her pain within her soul.
That is when I got the call in my heart to write my story of gambling addiction, life challenges and recovery. It took me a year to write it. It was very painful to see on the pages all that gambling took from me for all those years. I see all the time I will never get back and the money I wasted. I almost lost my 24-year marriage, I had no friends and my father had not talked to me in eight years. This was all because of the sick, insidious, cunning cycle of this addiction.
Now, I live a well-balanced, healthy, gambling-free life in recovery! I live in the present, one day at a time. So many awesome rewards have come my way as well. I went ahead and got my new book published this past late November. It is called “Addicted to Dimes: (Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat).” I also have a recovery blog, which I was just shocked to find out is nominated for a “Very Inspiring Blogger Award.” I set up my blog myself so I was surprised it was chosen. I try to make it a relaxing and informational place to visit, and it has a good recovery resource page as well.
My mission for my book and blog is to help others reach out for recovery and to never give up because YOU ARE WORTH A BEAUTIFUL LIFE FREE FROM GAMBLING ADDICTION! I also make it a point to be of service to others and I will be here with a hand reached out to anyone who is ready to surrender and fight to have their life back!
Thank you for letting me share my story with you!
Best regards,
Catherine