Is This All Happening for a Reason?
Is it possible? Are you willing to believe? These are questions with carefully chosen verbiage enclosed within a process of recovery that assisted me in realizing a better way of living. Transmitting this language into my everyday life is what keeps me on a path of growth and continual enlightenment. I take what I remembered from the steps and incorporate that into my everyday life. Is it possible that everything is happening exactly the way that it should? Am I willing to believe that this is happening for a reason? Prior to recovery, an unsteady “Ok” would have been my reply. Today, I can give a resounding “HECK YEAH!” It has been continually proven to me via my experiences that all things are connected. The path I am walking has a purpose, and there’s a reason for the events that occur. Since you and I are no different, are YOU willing to believe?
Recently, I was let go from a great position with a fantastic company leading adventure trips in Europe. It was a sudden move from my company. Although intuitively I felt the decision coming, I was still surprised at the quickness of it. My lifestyle, namely my recovery, was not aligned with the mission of the company. From the onset of training, I felt out of sync with the awesome people I was training with. Although I had done the work to keep me from involving myself in the partying and drinking that would occur after a long day of training, I still felt I had to find some way to connect. Not feeling an immediate connection with the people I was sharing intimate spaces with, I had to search frantically for a way to relate within this circle of people. I suppose I was set up to fail from the start, which is why I engage my role in Heroes in Recovery with a sense of urgency. The stigma surrounding our recovery often places us at odds with non-aware folk. A guinea pig for the cause, I believe everything happens for a reason, and it has pushed me to be even more vocal.
To start off, I was open about my recovery, just as I am in every place I go. I do this not only for my own personal accountability but also to be clear with people about why I am not drinking. I also want to be available for anyone who may have a need to speak to someone about addiction and mental illness. Turning my life and my will over to the care of God forces me to constantly search for someone to help. Changing from a selfish self-centered alcoholic to a message carrier for God was not a decision I took lightly, and my devotion to helping others is my primary purpose. I was met with reactions of the usual silence, affirmation or congratulations about my recovery. Some people may relate or have a family member or a friend who has suffered or continues to suffer. Once the awkwardness was out of the way, I did the best I could to hang out with the group during our down time. A part of me really didn’t feel right being in some of the social settings, but I kept my faith that God was with me and had placed me there for a reason.
As the training came to a close, I was blessed to make some wonderful new friends! I prepared to head to Europe and begin this new adventure position with full vigor. Upon arriving in France, I began facing stressors and challenges that I had not yet had to experience in recovery. Dipping into my toolbox to work through them, I was grateful for the experiences that presented themselves. I began to realize how far I had truly come in my recovery. Empowering myself along the journey with my successes kept me motivated during my most homesick times. As I met more people, more stress piled on and the booze became readily available, I was passing over the obstacles with ease. I thought, “I can TOTALLY do this!” Even as I thought this, the blunders I began to make along the way would often have me questioning what was I doing here and if I could really do this.
I began to observe how my co-leaders handled certain situations, including their demeanors, their interactions with guests and their interactions amongst each other. It all just started to not feel right. There was a certain level of fakeness that had to be adhered to while on the job. I remembered being that person in previous positions I had held before, specifically when I was an investment banker. My red flag went up…WAY up. Wasn’t I now required to be honest in ALL of my affairs? How am I going to work this job AND keep my side of the street clean?
There came a time when I made a humongous error on the job. By coming clean about it, I am sure it dinged me some brownie points. Once the issue was out in the open, it caused no permanent damage but it unveiled a larger problem. I thought, “This has GOT to put me back on the board.” When I was let go a few weeks later, I began to realize that being honest about everything in some lines of work just isn’t how things are done. I have been advised by some caring individuals in my life that there are things to be open about and other things that you keep to yourself. The line between those two things can look pretty shaky at times. To be quite frank, that truth DOES NOT resonate with me. When something doesn’t sit right in my world, it is up to me to be open and honest about it. This is MY life, and I have earned the right to keep it safe, whatever the cost.
What I remember from this experience is what I am really willing to compromise in my life in the pursuit of the dream. Not causing harm to myself or others is in the forefront, and I do this to the best of my ability. Holding my values and my morals close to my heart and walking my talk is what will continue to keep and hold me in recovery. I have no resentment towards the company I was let go from. It is a really awesome company with some really great people working there. Unfortunately, I do not fit the mold of the type of person they need to do this job. With the sting of the ego bruise lessening, I find this fact to be empowering! What it is showing me is that my conduct has been true to myself and that I am not willing to sacrifice my life, morals or character for the sake of a paycheck anymore. I am being allowed to have wonderful experiences while being kept safe and growing as I go!
My belief in everything happening for a reason continues to fuel my belief that God has a plan for me even though I may not be privy to it 100% of the time. I scripted parts of this plan with God before I began the position. Now with that piece coming to closure sooner than expected, I am now free to move forward in the plan! Is it possible that your “failures” actually happened for your greater good?
Formulate, activate, integrate and repeat!
Love and light, fellow travelers! Here’s to the next phase!
AV