- Faith
- Mental Health
As a child growing up in the 50s and 60s, Shelley exhibited numerous anxious habits, had trouble sleeping, and fueled herself with a diet high in sugar. Her strange quirks and compulsions soothed her high anxiety. At the time, neither her parents nor teachers were aware that her behaviors were symptoms of an ongoing anxiety disorder. Additionally, at the age of 14 she developed the now-familiar eating disorder known as anorexia nervosa. Shelley’s parents and doctor threatened to admit her to a hospital for forced IV feeding when she plummeted to 78 pounds. The fear of hospitalization was enough for her to fight back and gain not only some weight, but a measure of control over her eating habits. Unfortunately though, she returned to a diet high in sugar content, causing fuzzy and worrisome thinking, and a consistent “unbalanced” feeling.
During her 20s she held high-stress jobs, and escalated the stress with a daily morning intake of several donuts and numerous cups of black coffee. Poor relationship choices, bad decisions, and nocturnal eating patterns also became part of her life. As she worked on improving her relationships, she met, fell in love, and married. Her husband helped her curb the middle of the night food raids, using “tough love” tactics. Giving birth to two children two years apart, as well as the accompanying lack of sleep, caused her stress levels to spiral out of control, affecting her ability to function and manage her home and family. She had full-blown—but undiagnosed—generalized anxiety disorder along with some mini panic attacks. Although yet undiagnosed, Shelley realized her sleep deprivation was a major root of her anxiety. She could no longer blame her poor diet for her emotional problems, as she had gone “cold turkey” on the sugar, made whole wheat bread from scratch, and used only healthy, natural ingredients for cooking and baking.
Those early years of marriage and motherhood were the most challenging and difficult of her life. Her husband didn’t understand her inability to pick herself up and move on. In reality neither did she. She lacked his support and at times was afraid of his response, so said nothing about her feelings. She thought to herself, “Well, this is how it’s just going to be.” She had no insight or awareness that anything about her behavior was out of the ordinary. In hindsight, Shelley now realizes she was “a quart low in serotonin” (calming brain chemical), and would have benefited greatly from counseling and anti-anxiety medication. (Several years would pass before brand name antidepressants such as Prozac would become available.) During this time she somehow managed to maintain the household, care for her children, and put on a façade for friends and neighbors. No one was aware of the mental turmoil going on inside her head and body.
The emotional chaos caught up with Shelley during the late 80s, while in the throes of running and growing a successful business. She was thirty-eight years old, and for most of her life had suffered from anxiety. But hope was on the horizon. The medical world was making great strides in understanding mental disorders, and medications as well as cognitive and other therapies were being developed. It was perfect timing for Shelley, as she suffered her most serious meltdown ever, and sought help. In secret, she made an appointment with a doctor who, at the end of the visit handed her two prescriptions: one to help her sleep, the other to address her depression. Shelley thought, “Something must really be wrong with me if I need TWO medications.” Since she had yet to tell her husband she was seeing a psychiatrist, as she feared his response (turned out there was no reason to fear), she paid for the visit with a check from her business account. After telling her husband of the appointment, he supported her and encouraged her to try the medications. He also suggested she attend a church that was known to have an uplifting worship service. He had visited one time and found he felt uplifted. She went willingly, although not convinced, but within a half hour of worship, the music and choir ministered to her anxious spirit and soul. She walked out indeed, feeling hopeful, and at peace for the first time in a long time.
These were the first steps to becoming balanced and whole, the first steps of her recovery. As the medication allowed her to sleep, things improved in handling her anxiety with day-to-day life. Over the next several years, as new stressors entered her life, she was on and off various antidepressants. She regularly used tools like exercise to quiet the noise in her head. But another, extremely serious obstacle to peace and wholeness was looming.
Her husband became ill with an as-yet undiagnosed and rare liver disease, which turned out to be a contributing factor to his developing major depression, anxiety, panic attacks, compulsions, and overwhelming fatigue. (During this time he was also diagnosed with ADHD, which he’d had since childhood.) Although his issues were at best difficult, and at worst, debilitating, he gained insight into Shelley’s dysfunctional behavior, and hence, he developed compassion. As her husband’s liver disease progressed and was finally diagnosed nine years after onset, his fatigue became relentless, and he took an early retirement. The initial months of retirement also coincided with Shelley’s menopausal symptoms; “husband’s retirement coinciding with wife’s going through menopause is never a good combination,” Shelley jokes. Shelley and her husband worked through their marital challenges with counseling, frequent weekend and day trips, and regularly hiking together. Fortunately, post-menopause, Shelley’s brain chemicals evened themselves out; she no longer experienced the menopausal mood swings and was able to go off her antidepressant for several years.
As she continued to educate herself on mental issues and brain chemistry, she became more compassionate with herself. Along with the responsibilities of family, a successful business, and community commitments, she gave herself permission for self-care. Through education, exercise (tennis, walking, and the gym) healthy diet, her faith, and learning from experience, she now makes better choices, and her relationships are healthy. When she finds herself feeling emotionally drained and melancholy, she allows herself to have a change of scenery. She’ll go to movies with a friend, take a walk or play tennis with friends. Shelley says her sense of humor is critical to her keeping a light side to all of this serious business of recovery. And her strong faith life is her mainstay to support all of the tools she uses. During the lengthy process of recovery, Shelley found time to write a book: I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK, But That’s OK With God. Her motivation for writing this combination self-help, memoir, humorous nonfiction work aligns perfectly with the mission of Heroes in Recovery. Her passion and desire is to contribute to removing the stigma that accompanies mental illness, so that people will seek the treatment they deserve.
Over the last few years she has used all that she has learned to remain as centered and balanced as possible while major life stressors challenged her. As her husband’s illness progressed, he took his own life. Insomnia returned, her faith took a beating, and she let some other tools slide. She regained her balance through using over the counter antidepressants such as SAM-e, prescription medications, counseling, renewed faith in God, and leaned on family and friends for support while attempting “new things.” Most recently, a time of joy was also the catalyst for a setback. Her daughter’s wedding brought on familiar feelings of raw grief: “No father to walk her down the aisle . . . he should be there!!” Three weeks before the wedding, Shelley broke down emotionally and became physically ill. She addressed this pre-wedding dilemma via counseling and medication. Since the almost-four years of her husband’s passing, her children have become quite attentive and offer support during these times of stress. Both her daughter and son are keenly aware of Mom’s mood and sense when she’s slipping emotionally. They encourage her to take the proper steps to re-balancing.
The “new things” that Shelley has found to be helpful in her new life as a single person: getting a rescue dog (who she says rescued her), learning about investments, fixing things around the house that her husband used to take care of, and enjoying semi-retirement. All these new things are outside her comfort zone. Additionally, she recently started dating—also outside her comfort zone, after a 31-year marriage!
Shelley thrives on being of service to others. Currently, she speaks on “The Healing Power of Humor” at Ridgeview Institute, a psychiatric treatment center in metro-Atlanta. She regularly attends a Survivors of Suicide group, always grateful she can offer hope to others, letting them know they can survive and even thrive after the tragedy of suicide. She also participates in the yearly Survivors of Suicide walk in Atlanta, and reaches out to individuals God leads her to, offering up support, encouragement, and even a prayer.
The Bible verse Joshua 1:9 is Shelley’s favorite: “Be bold and courageous for the Lord God is with you wherever you go.” She leaves us with these words of encouragement: “There are many facets to recovery—use all that you need: counselors, ministers, medications, support groups, exercise, humor, prayer, and the power of faith. Other thoughts: Be transparent when it is safe to do so, let God direct your path, gain knowledge about your weaknesses, and don’t be surprised to see God using you in spite of, and even because of, your weaknesses. You too, can become a ‘wounded healer.’“
Thank you, Shelley, for sharing with us.