- Faith
This is my story about giving back to my mom who was in active addiction, and I was clean. If you would like to share it, please feel free. My mother passed away 8.5 years ago, after I took care of her for the last 6 months of her life. It ended up being my living amends to her and afterward would become one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I still miss her so very much, and seven years after her death I reminisced about those feelings surrounding her last six months and her death. This is what I wrote, and I hope it helps someone have a different perspective on a death they may be feeling their way through today.
“A Gift Comes From Death”
It was time for me to step up and take the lead role in our family. My brother was locked up once again, and I was the only one that could to be there for my mom as she got sicker and sicker. In a lot of ways I was grateful to be able to be there for her in this time of need. I was full of fear and didn’t know how I was going to get through this. I couldn’t just send her off to a nursing home, as that is what we did with my grandmother, and I couldn’t stand going there to visit her there.
I had been taking care of my mom for the last six months, and I was tired and ready for her to go, or so I thought. She was an active alcoholic, and I was clean. I bought her booze and mixed her drinks. During this time I remember that I never wanted to get loaded. The doctors told me that because of her health withdrawal from alcohol would kill her right away. So it was very worth it for me to do this for her, as long as my recovery was safe.
During these last six months I was able to spend a lot of time with her, and, when she wasn’t drunk, we had some pretty meaningful conversations. She shared a lot of regrets that she had about the way my brother and I were raised. She made amends to me for all that she felt remorse for, and I was able to make amends to her by taking care of her and being a reliable son for once in my life.
It was January 25, 2005 and also my daughter’s birthday, and we were all hoping she would not pass on this day, and she didn’t. We kept constant vigil by her bedside, and the only time I left was to smoke or to go home and take a shower. She kept hanging on for some reason, and I would not know until the next day what it was. But it would become all so surreal for me when it happened:
I am extremely exhausted and emotionally drained. I have been sitting with my mom for four days now, while she is slowly dwindling away from life. I never thought I’d be here in this time and place, watching as my mom lies there, helpless, sick and preparing to move onto another life. The doctors told me three days earlier, when they put her on comfort care, that she wouldn’t last this long. Every time I go downstairs, I shake her and tell her I will be right back. She seems startled when I do this, and I am second guessing whether I should have taken her off of life support. Maybe they should have done more. Maybe I should have made them do more and not given up so easily.
I go and tell the nurses that I need to see the doctors, because I have decided that I want them to save her life. My mom is still in there, and I know it. This is my mommy, and I’m not ready for her to go. I tell the doctors about what happens when I shake her and that I think she knows I’m there. They look at me and tell me that she is brain dead and that what I am seeing is normal. It’s just a body reaction and reflexes. There’s nothing they can do. All kinds of things are going through my mind. They don’t want to save her because her medical isn’t good enough or maybe they made a mistake and now they need her to go to cover it up. I’m crying my eyes out and ask them why she is refusing to go. She must be holding on for something. What is it? I ask. I go back in and sit with her, stroke her hair and face and sob. I hold her hand and tell her it is okay to go. I tell her I am going to be okay and that I will take care of everything.
The nurse came in and said there was a call from my brother in prison, and she would transfer it to the room. I held the phone to my mother’s ear, and again there was that reaction. She knew he was there and could hear him. I knew it. To this day I do not know what my brother told her, but I am sure that it was, “I love you and I’m sorry I am not there.” Two hours later my mom passed away with me and all my kids by her side. I continued to hold her hand and stroke her hair to her last breath. That call from my brother is what she was waiting for. To hear her son’s voice tell her it was okay to go.
Today it still hurts so bad that she is not here with me, but I know she is looking down and is proud of the man I have become. As I look back at this moment in my life, it at times overwhelms me as to how I walked through it. I stepped up and took care of my mom in her last days on this earth. It was a gift that was given to me at a time in my life when I most needed it. To be there and watch as the most important person in your life passes on is truly a gift.
I’m not even sure still at this point I can describe in words what it was like. But I will give it a try. As she took her last breath, I looked up into the room not knowing what I would see. The truth is that I could see my mom floating in the room above us. Waving goodbye to me and saying, “Jim, it’s going to be okay.” I sat with my mom for about 30 minutes after she had passed. My children were waiting for me outside of the room. I sat there and held the hand of her lifeless body. She was no longer there. Her soul had moved on, and I would never see my mom walk or hear her talk to me ever again. I didn’t want to leave her there. I could have probably sat there all night with her, but my children came in and told me it was time to go. I sobbed, as I left the room. I turned back and took one last look at her, as I left the room. Her life was over now, and she had moved on to be in peace with God. I knew I would see her again someday, but it still didn’t make leaving her there easy.
As I write about this moment in my life, it takes me back to that moment. I can see myself sitting there with my mom, as she passed on. The pain is still very real for me, and I miss her with all of my heart. Throughout our lives we have those experiences that are true gifts to us. Life experiences that will change us forever and change the direction of our lives. This was definitely one of those moments for me. Our relationships with our mothers are the longest relationships we will ever have in our lives. Some people take for granted this precious bond that we will have only once in our lives. If there is friction or separation in your relationship with your mom, please do yourself a favor. Call her now and tell her, “I love you.”