the daily showdown
when the sun sets
when the certain shades of nighttime purples
stand before daylight’s tangerine–
the daily showdown–we
cannot help but
hold our breaths
as if we could catch this beauty
in our throats
like summertime and lightning bugs
in a jar
never swallow it
never have to digest the
mystery of twighlight
the blinding dark of night
the uncertainty of that we cannot see
as if we could simply exhale
in 11 hours or so
the firelight of sunrise
the royal bird breaking through the ashes
taking on a new day
with bright new wings
but if we shut our eyes
and listen
our hearts will pound
from chest to shoulder blades
to chest to blades
to chest to blades
accompanying the phoenix’s new song–
its lyrics scribbled in the deepest ebony of night
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the sunset tonight made me think of my uncle and others i know in recovery. how he so bravely faced getting help. i know he wanted to hold on to what was familiar, the addictions that had served him in some way for so long or to just fast forward quickly to the new day and new ways of living. anything to avoid the depths of the night. but he had to go through the night.
sometimes we want to ignore the night. we want days of dawn and dusk and the shine in between but not the night. sometimes it’s about denying that there is night–that our loved ones are in the depths of an addiction that could swallow them, that maybe we have a problem. sometimes it’s fear of the night–fear of what we’ll have to uncover if we deal with the hard things that got us here, fear that we won’t survive, fear that the person we care about won’t wake up to see sunrise. sometimes it’s about control, and we just don’t like the uncertainty of things.
i think about the honesty of nighttime. it’s when we disrobe and physically lay ourselves down. it’s when we relinquish control of our thoughts and find ourselves dreaming. it’s when we walk and cannot see and have to name our weaknesses and trust something greater than our own sight to get us from one point to another. it’s when we sometimes have to have a hand to hold to guide us, comfort us, hold us accountable. the night is where addiction can find permanent rest so that we can give birth to a new day, a new song.
what comes to mind when you see the sunset? think of night? watch the sun rise again?