- Mental Health
It started as a child. I never fit in anywhere, not even at home. I felt I couldn’t express my emotions, and I was ridiculed when I tried. Communication in my house was very poor. When I was growing up, mum and dad rarely spoke, and, when they did, what they said was argumentative. I felt alone. As I grew up, this feeling worsened, and I fell in with the wrong people in school. This led to me getting into trouble both in school and out of school. I started developing an eating disorder and depression, psychosis followed and I was diagnosed as having severe bipolar disorder.
I was unreliable and unstable. My emotions were all over the place, and I never got close enough to anyone to confide in them. I was withdrawn from early childhood up until about the age of 12 or 13, when I fell in with those people at school. I totally changed to being loud and outgoing but without confidence. I left school early, as I found it extremely difficult, and a few years later I decided to go to college to do a course in childcare, which I passed with good results.
When I passed the course, it gave me a sense of pride, and I felt like I’d finally accomplished something in my life. It was the guidance counselor at the college who brought me to the point of being ready to make the change. She was a vital part of my turnaround. She made me feel like I could finally be in control of myself, what happened to me and what I did.
In an effort to change I had to meet with numerous doctors including general practitioners, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, nurses, social workers and more. It took a lot of time, energy and patience, but, when I finally found the right team for me, it was worth it. It just goes to show it can be done.
Life now is a lot better than it was. It can still be hard at times, but whose life isn’t? I know there’s more room for improvement, and it will get even better as time goes on. I’m looking forward to the future now instead of not wanting it. I have worked really hard with professionals. I’ve had to spend time as an inpatient, and I continue to see a therapist and am reviewed by a doctor every once in a while. I made a list of things that help me stay well and try to do them regularly. I also made a list of signs that I may be slipping in to a bad place, so I can recognize it before it gets to a crisis point, and a list of people I need if and when things do go into crisis. I kept to a routine, remember my lists and try to keep myself busy and active. I’ve tried to rebuild my relationship with my family, and I spend time with my best friend every day, because she makes me happy. I’ve also gone back to college and am now studying community care. It’s tough but very interesting.
Routine has played a very important role in keeping me well. Dialectical Behavior skills have become a part of daily life. I need to make sure I keep my appointments with the healthcare professionals, so they can notice if something is not right and try to fix it, before it becomes too much of a problem for me to handle alone. I try to get fresh air everyday, and even though I can’t walk very far because I have a bad back, I like to drive to the park and sit there for awhile.
Anyone who is struggling with an illness should know that recovery is very possible. Don’t be discouraged in the beginning, when it’s hardest finding the right team of doctors and services. Make your own lists or set achievable goals for yourself, and do small things every day to take a step forward. Remember it doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you don’t stop. Even if you are crawling, you are ahead of those sitting down. Stay strong, and don’t lose faith.