- Alcohol
My alcoholism really started kicking in around 2000 although I had my first drink much earlier. The last three months of drinking were really bad. I noticed my problem and admitted to it after losing a friend to alcoholism. He could not help himself. I did not want my kids and grandkids to go through the same thing as his wife and children. I knew at this point that I had to go into recovery or die as well. I am 46 today. My children are 27 and 24, and I have 3 grandkids aged 1, 2 and 3.
At first I had no idea I was an alcoholic, but then I realized that the amount of time I stayed drunk was not normal at all. For example, if I started drinking on Friday, it took me until Sunday evening to stop. I only stopped to go to work. Later my alcoholism progressed so that I never even stopped when I had to go to work. I was lucky not to lose my job. I noticed that if I didn’t have a reason for drinking, I made up excuses. I wanted to drink because I was mad, or I wanted to drink because I was happy. I wanted to numb some of my past, but it only worked for a little while until I woke up with the “emotional hangover” of more shame and guilt.
When I actually admitted and said out loud that I need help, my brother immediately jumped on it, called around and tried to get me help. Only three days passed from the day I said it until I was admitted to treatment for a month. My acute DTs lasted longer than I thought they would. I couldn’t walk at times. I couldn’t even light a cigarette. Once I got past that and I got into classes, I went full force. I looked around and could see in peoples’ faces if they truly wanted to be there or if they were there because they were forced to or were avoiding jail. I wanted to get sober. I knew that I couldn’t do it alone. I wanted this chance. I heard about the 12 steps there and thought, “I only have one month, but I want more. Gimme, gimme, gimme.” I wanted recovery all at once.
I went to 12-step meetings at the treatment facility, and I continued after I was back home. I thought for a while that I had it all learned and all planned. I had planned my way to and from work so I wouldn’t pass a liquor store. I felt safe at the meetings and ran many of them, but I finally shut my mouth and learned to listen in the meetings. That is when I saw the difference between not drinking and living a happy life. My self-esteem got so much better. I’m not mad about not drinking either. I don’t feel that shame and guilt anymore. I don’t ever want to go back!
I have 10 months of sobriety now. Today I am so happy that if I wake up at night, I don’t have to reach for my bottle. Sobriety is the best gift I got, and going into treatment was the best thing I did.