- Alcohol
- Faith
I learned of Heroes in Recovery through a dear friend of mine who asked me to share my story. I have told it verbally many times over the last several years; however, I have not written it out. What I have learned, that resonates most with me lately, is “gratitude is an action”. Of course, I am eternally grateful to be recovering from a hopeless state of mind and body. In order to demonstrate my gratitude, I am obligated to share my journey with others. If one person can relate to my experience, I will be thankful. So…here goes. I hope it is helpful as I am forever in debt to the men and women who shared and continue to share their stories.
By most accounts and from the outside looking in, my early life was a good one. I was blessed with wonderful parents who loved each other, my younger brother, and me very much. My maternal grandparents moved next door to us and we spent a lot of quality time together. My father’s father was unknown to me and I was told that he left my grandmother when my dad was two and that he was a a drunk. My mom told me she met him only once and that was an ugly scene. To this day, I have had very little dialogue with my father about him. My mom’s parents (the neighbors) were a lot of fun and drank what I would call heavily. I recall my grandfather really liked martinis and I knew how to mix and shake them by the time I was age 8. I didn’t notice the kind of effects I experienced when I began to drink-perhaps I was too young as they both died before my own drinking started. I was 11 when I stole liquor from my parents for the first time and by age 14 this was happening on a weekly basis.
There were several incidents in high school and I recall times when my parents would talk to me about how alcoholism ran in our family. While I heard that, it certainly did not sink in. My parents would record me while drunk and play it back the next morning and I would swear it was not me. Once, during homecoming week when I was 15 I got drunk and probably some other things (I blacked out) before school and made a friend take me home around noon. When my mom got home around 2:30 that afternoon I was passed out and she did not know what had happened. She took me to the emergency room and they took blood which revealed a .26 blood alcohol level. This was especially troubling since my father’s best friend was the ER physician. I didn’t care and distinctly remember arguing with my parents who would not let me go to the football game that night with friends. Years later, a cousin who is also in recovery, and who my mom called that day to help her, told me he was waiting for me to join him in recovery and said, “there aren’t many 15 year old social drinkers”. But I was delusional.
At 17, I went to college (the #1 party school at the time). I am still not sure how my parents had the courage to send me away. Perhaps they were ready for me to go! My alcoholism was already in full force, but in college since everyone drank. I did not seem to stand out too much. I did get in legal trouble twice my freshman year. Once for an open container with several friends and another time for trying to buy alcohol with a fake ID. Just my luck there was an undercover cop in the Suwanee Swify that night! At the beginning of my sophomore year I got a DUI around the time my mom was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. I attributed it to “bad luck” and complained because I was very close to my house and they should have just let me go! My thinking was so skewed that at 18 I decided I needed to hire an attorney and get the charges reduced so that when I got my next DUI (the thought of quitting drinking never occurred to me) it would be like the first. I tell people who aren’t in recovery that story and they think I am crazy. It made sense to me and seemed worth my parents spending the money and me spending Homecoming Weekend 1991 in the Leon County Jail. I remember some sorority sisters coming to visit me and telling me that we won the game and our sorority sister was the Homecoming Queen. I told my bunk mates and they weren’t impressed at all. I remember being quite tough on the outside and sharing my food with the other inmates-until they paged me and asked if I wanted a visit from my dad. I had no idea he was driving the 3 hours to check on me and I lost it. I can’t imagine what he was feeling to see his “baby girl” at 19, in jail, crying her eyes out. He told me my mom was too sick to come that day but she and my aunt would be over on Sunday. What I put them through sometimes causes me pain; however, I am happy to report that in the past 12 years my dad has told me he is proud of me no less than 100 times. I can’t take credit for my life and sobriety today, but do feel confident I am forgiven.
The time between ages 18-30 are mostly a blur, although I functioned on some level or another. I went on to graduate school and got a job with the state of Florida. My mom fought her cancer valiantly and whenever I got sad about her illness I drank but as I shared earlier, I was already in the throes of addiction long before she got sick. I recall one time at a party about a month before she died some friends were doing tequila shots in the kitchen. My mom begged me to stay with her and not go in there to which I responded, “I’ll be right back”. I have heard that no human power alone can help one recover-this was certainly true in my case. She died in 1998 when I was 26 and she was 53. I was devastated and immediately after her funeral I was with a friend and we were going to eat at the beach. I was horrified not because my mom had died (that too) but mostly because I had left my ID at the house and what if I got carded and was not able to drink? Needless to say, I was not there for my dad, my brother or anyone else. All I cared about was where and when I would get that next drink. In this case it was at a famous bar in my hometown.
Almost exactly one month after she died, I tried cocaine for the first time. I thought I had found the cure for my blackouts as I was able to stay up and drink and remember everything (well…mostly everything). While it was expensive, I had a job and saved up for the weekends. Only one time shortly before I began my recovery did I use cocaine in the bathroom at work…a healthcare organization. Scary.
Over the years, various people had expressed concern over my drinking. I was introduced to some people in recovery in 2001 but at the time I was unwilling to admit I had any problems other than my mom had died and “you would drink this way too if you had been through what I have been through”. Also, I thought it important that I drink on my 30th birthday for some reason. My reasons for believing I was not like those people who admitted their challenges were along the lines of having a house (a garage apartment,) a car (that my parents gave me for college graduation 9 years earlier,) and a job.
In January of 2002, my boss called me in and told me how she knew I was capable of performing well in my job. However, she told me I was not performing and she had no choice but to let me go. I was devastated but in hindsight she saved my life that day. It was the first time I was able to verbally admit “but I am an alcoholic”. To which she responded, “I know”. I had previously asked for a longer lunch to go to visit with people like me. However, she also watched me get completely drunk at our holiday party. Not great if you are in HR and partially responsible for the party. She went on to share that she knew people who were recovering (her own mother in law had 27 years) and she hoped I would get the help I needed. When my so-called reasons for not having a problem like my job (got fired) and house (had to move back into my dad’s) went away I knew where to turn. When I was celebrating my first anniversary in recovery, that boss happened to be in the restaurant where my friends and I were eating. I told her of the occasion, she cried, I cried, and thanked her for having the courage to let me go as that gave me the willingness to find a new way to live.
I took suggestions and listened to people talk about their faith in a spiritual solution that “solved their problems”. Early on, I worked in a job that was “beneath me” by my old standards, but it was perfect for where I was. About 2 years into my journey, I was offered a job a treatment center and began to repair my professional career. I stayed there a few years. Today I work in a job that is beyond my wildest imagination and much better than I ever expected. I firmly believe that I would not have had any of the blessings I currently have without that decision to admit who and what I was and take suggestions and let God take care of the rest.
Today I am blessed with a wonderful husband who has never seen me drink. He is supportive of my journey and recovery and while he drinks (he can have one or two and stop-baffles me!) he is respectful and understanding of the fact that I can not and do not. I waited until I was 35 to get married so having children was a challenge when we started trying at 37. This was not something I planned and caused pain and multiple unsuccessful fertility treatments. Through it all I did not drink or use drugs or anything other than focus on my recovery and continue to be blessed.
In 2010, my husband and I were blessed with a precious 18 month old boy that we fostered and later adopted. While it was not my plan, he is an amazing child and true miracle of my recovery. Raising children is not easy and he is a very active 5 year old today. He never stops talking and the sound of his voice reminds me how fortunate I am to be on this side of the journey.
I continue to work in the career that recovery allowed me to rebuild. I am committed to being the best wife and mother I can be. I run and do other physical activity and often use it as quiet time with God. Like most people I know, sometimes I am more disciplined than others. I ran a marathon in 1998 (in between drinks) and have recently started training for my 3rd half marathon since I have been in recovery. I have always said I will do another marathon someday but it was a lot easier to train in my 20’s!
As I shared earlier, I am so thankful that people shared their stories with me. I have an incredible life today and as much as I would like to, I can’t take credit for any of it. I truly believe the decision to join a way of life based on spiritual principles enables me to have the privilege of sharing with others.