- Alcohol
- Faith
I grew up in a Catholic home and always had a strong faith in God as a child. But somewhere along the way, as I got older, my relationship with God started to fade. I started becoming too busy for God, and more concerned with other people’s opinions and expectations. I allowed myself to become envious of girls who had boyfriends or nice clothes. I thought that having those things would make me happy. I guess you could say that I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I struggled with my identity.
However, I ended up getting a boyfriend my freshman year in high school. I remember being so happy and excited that someone like him wanted to be with someone like me. He was one of the popular kids. We ended up dating all 4 years in high school. The relationship was actually great… he was honestly my best friend, and I don’t regret it. But looking back, I can see where it started to become a bit unhealthy, especially on my end. I allowed him to become the main priority in my life, and I quickly placed God on the back burner. I didn’t realize at the time how unhealthy it was for me- but I had placed my identity in our relationship, in him. I also relied on him to fix everything… to make everything better. When my parents would fight, or my dad would get drunk, I would run to him… instead of running to God.
Turns out- we ended up going to different colleges. I took a swimming scholarship at Western Kentucky University, and he went his way to the University of Tennessee. That unhealthy pattern of trying to “fit in” and impress other people continued through college. My freshmen year was full of partying and trying to get in with the “cool” older girls on the swim team. This resulted in numerous fights with my boyfriend…and after a rocky two years of break ups and getting back together- he finally broke it off for good my sophomore year.
I remember being devastated. I was 20 and had no idea who I really was. I couldn’t handle the rejection. I was totally that girl- the one who would get drunk and black out… call her ex boyfriend over and over throughout the night crying, and then wake up to see what she had done, and feel so ashamed.
And to top everything off- shortly after our breakup, my parents ended up going through a pretty nasty divorce. I had zero faith and was actually angry with God. I never once trusted in His plan, or even considered it for that matter. All I wanted to do was run from the pain.
Naturally, I tried to numb myself with partying. I started running with the wrong crowd and continued down a windy road full of late nights, alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, etc. and my first year out of college I was booked for a DUI.
Despite the internal chaos that I was experiencing, my life never looked from the outside like it had fallen apart. I had a successful career with a technology company and lived in a beautiful apartment located in downtown Nashville.
However, I knew what I was doing was wrong. Unlike some people, when I would wake up and not remember the night before… I would feel a strong conviction. However, instead of trusting in God’s salvation for my life- I chose to believe the lies of the enemy telling me that I had messed up and I was worthless. I was stuck in a pit of shame, guilt, and despair. If I couldn’t forgive the girl looking back at me in the mirror- then how could I accept God’s forgiveness? I couldn’t let it go.
To avoid dealing with my problems and facing my guilt, I allowed myself to dive deeper into the partying scene- until I ran into more trouble with the law. I was facing 45 days in jail, but was able to get a court approval to spend 30 days in rehab instead. It was during this time that I finally realized that I could no longer live this way. I realized that my life was quickly spiraling out of control, and that I could no longer ignore the convictions or run from God… That I actually needed Him in my life to overcome the mess I had created. I needed to learn how to face my issues and accept His forgiveness. I no longer wanted to live in darkness, but rather, His light. And most importantly, I wanted to rekindle the personal relationship with God that I had once had as a child.
After rehab, I started going to church again and thinking more about my future. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that God still had something more for my life. I felt that there was more out there for me than sitting in a cubicle from 9-5 everyday renewing insurance plans. When I would go home after work, I would search online for new jobs or whatever came to mind- and one day I decided to research mission trips. I came across a website called Adventures in Missions and was quickly intrigued by their World Race Mission Trip program, which is an 11 month mission trip to 11 different countries around the world.
At first, I was hesitant to sign up for the World Race. I was 27 years old, had a great apartment, and was on the fast track to promotion at the same corporation I had been working at for the past 3 years. Why would I walk away from all of this to travel the world for a year? However, despite my fears, I signed up for the World Race and obeyed God’s calling.
I left for the race on January 8th, 2013 and returned just a couple weeks ago on December 7th, 2013. It’s hard to sum up an entire year’s journey and all the amazing things I saw- but I kept a blog full of journal entries, videos, and photos.
Before leaving for this mission trip- I knew in my heart that I was ready to completely leave behind the partying scene for good. However, I didn’t necessarily know God’s divine plan and purpose behind the whole thing until I was halfway through the race. It was month 6 and we were in Romania. My team’s mission for the month was to spread the love of God in a real and tangible way by praying for people throughout the community. This in itself was a stretch for me. I had never really prayed over anyone or for people, especially growing up in the Catholic Church.
But I pushed through the awkwardness, and sure enough God showed up in more ways than I could have ever imagined! As my team was walking through a park, I noticed an older man sitting on a park bench. As I approached him, I immediately noticed the smell of alcohol on his breath as he began to share his story with me.
He had gone through a terrible divorce and no longer had a relationship with his two daughters. As he continued talking, I could have easily condemned the man… for my own family has been rocked by alcoholism and divorce. However, despite my own past with struggling with alcohol- I also knew the pains his actions likely brought on his wife and children.
Instead of walking away, I stayed and continued to listen. As he looked into my eyes and confessed, I felt my heart start to ache for him. I felt his guilt and shame. And in that moment- I felt the need to pray for him. I prayed for restoration, for a sense of hope, and for a renewed mind. I prayed that he would come to know God’s love for him and the forgiveness that Christ offers. And as I fought back tears to get everything out, I believed for the first time in my life that this was possible. Not only for this man on the park bench, but for me, and my own family as well.
That was the day I truly learned the power of prayer. My faith has increased and I’ve been diving into prayer ever since, with a full expectancy that God is working behind the scenes for good. That He can fully restore and redeem ANYONE… and that He works all things out for His good.
Now six months later, as I’m back home and figuring out my next steps- I’m walking more confidently in His love and grace than I ever had before. I’m learning to totally surrender myself to God on a daily basis! I have completely given my heart over to Him- to mold and change me into the woman He has created me to be!
And as I continue to walk in sobriety and seek what He has in store for me next- I’m so excited to continue to share His love with many other women and young girls who might be caught in the same self-destructive pattern that I was once living in; who are living in the bondage of guilt, despair, and shame. For through Him all things truly are possible!! Nothing is unforgiveable in His eyes. No one is unredeemable. His story is beautiful- and if we just surrender to His will- He will bring to light His beautiful plan of salvation before our very eyes.