- Alcohol
I had my first drunk at the age of 15. I raided my girlfriend’s mom’s liquor cabinet and ended up in the hospital. So I’ve never been a normal drinker.
I didn’t drink again until I hit college and even then I knew I wasn’t normal because essentially every time I drank, I drank to get drunk. That was always my intention. I would drink rather than eat. I would waste money on beer rather than rent.
My boyfriend at the time, who I met when I was 17, was also an addict and smoked marijuana and drank. Put the two of us together and we were off to the races!
After a while I ended up moving back home and I continue to drink but I knew I had a problem. I never drank normally. I always drank just to get drunk. I tried 12 Step programs many times, but continued to drink.
When my oldest of two sons was born, he was 6 ½ weeks early. I stopped drinking during both of my pregnancies and fortunately found out early on in my unplanned pregnancies I was expecting. One night I passed out with him on my chest. I woke up with him on the tile floor of my bedroom. Long story short, he had to be helicoptered to the hospital because he had a slight skull fracture. He was only 6 1/2 weeks old. He will be 7 years old this month. That is something that I have to work through and I am still searching for forgiveness. I have worked the 12 steps but that is a tough one. I could have killed him.
Consequently, children’s social services was all over me. They deemed it an accident, which it was, but in reality I did pass out because I drank. That was not my rock bottom. With my second son I never passed out with him but I was still drinking. I was just not a good mom. I thought I was doing right and feeding them but I was drinking myself into a stupor every night because that is how I dealt with the stress.
Let’s fast forward to 2009 when my husband’s father passed away. We ended up moving out to California. That is when my drinking really started progressing because I was so miserable and homesick. We moved out there and my husband decided he would start growing marijuana. I never got into pot or pills or street drugs. It was always just beer for me, not even liquor, just beer. I stayed away from the hard liquor because of what happened to me when I was 15, but I was drinking 30 beers a day by the end of my disease. My weight got up to 217lbs. because that’s what drinking 30 beers a day will do to you! I finally had enough and my sobriety date is 11/14/11. I finally got back into the rooms and I stayed and I let the miracle happen. I had had enough after two nights in a row that I forgot how I put my children to sleep. I did not remember. I blacked out. It got to the point when I was just drinking and driving with them. I would always say, “I won’t drink in the morning” or “I’ll never drink and drive with the kids,” as I pound two 240z. beers at a restaurant before I went to pick up kids from school, chewing on a breath mint hoping my daycare provider wouldn’t notice.
I was putting them at risk as well as myself and other people. It took two consecutive blackouts to get myself back into those rooms. I got myself a sponsor, a male sponsor actually. He was someone I had admired in the rooms before. So I started with him and he took me through the steps and in May of 2012 the boys and I went through a drug raid. They raided my house and basically got my kids out of bed, they put me in handcuffs. It turns out they were following me and my husband. He was arrested for drug trafficking. They knew I had nothing to do with it. The DEA agent looked at me and asked “M’am are you on anything?” I could honestly answer “Sir, next week I am 6 months sober.” Thank God because had I not been sober I probably would have tried something stupid and lost my kids.
I am so grateful I decided to not go down that path with my husband because he is now serving time in Federal Prison. I managed to stay sober that entire time. I moved out because he wasn’t in prison immediately. I handled all that stress without relapsing. I ended up leaving everything in California. My parents told me to come home. I left without even telling him because knew he was in deep trouble.
I packed what I could, got on a red-eye flight and moved back to Florida. I got an apartment with my boys, my mom helped me get a job and I started my life over with the help of friends and family. I joined Weight Watchers about the same time I got sober. I was trading one addiction for the other. I was able to drop 80lbs. and started working out at the gym and I haven’t picked up a drink since 11/14/11!
How do you handle stress now?
I pray, I am a big believer in the whole angel realm, I believe in God and I go to meetings. I cry a lot, to be honest with you and I work out. I work out a lot. Working out is such a great stress reliever. I just recently met a really nice guy and we’ve been dating for a few months. He is not an addict. He can stop after two beers, which is just unfathomable to me because that’s not how I roll.
How have you handled explaining things to your children?
My oldest son used to be able to say “Mom, not the store again!” (to get beer) before he knew his ABC’s. So they knew that I had a problem because they knew the minute I put that beer to my mouth, they were on their own. When I did my 9th step, I basically sat down with them and said, “Remember when Mommy used to drink? Well I don’t do that anymore.” They said, “We know,” and that was the end of it. Now I am living by example. I cry just thinking about it because they have two parents who are addicts, with only one in recovery. The chances of them being addicts are very high. So I am just living by example. I am practicing living amends with them every day by not picking up a drink. They don’t even talk about.
My kids have seen a lot. They have had some issues with the police because when they bang on your door and invade your house, it’s not a good thing! They have seen an awful lot because my husband used to take them down into the fields where they would grow the pot. Those poor little innocent boys have seen so much. My one of my defining moment was during the drug raid and the cops were baby-sitting me and my kids in the kitchen not letting us go anywhere. They are going through my cookbooks and going through my purse. My son asks me, “Mommy what are they doing?” Because God has given me the grace, I said, “Well, honey, you know all those monsters you have been scared of in the middle of the night that have been waking you up and scaring you? Well, Mommy hired these guys to come and search EVERY nook and cranny to find those monsters to tell them to go away and leave you alone.” How else do you explain to your kids why the DEA agents are going through your cookbooks? It’s not for a recipe! I’m just so grateful. Sobriety has taught me so much. It’s a more relaxed fun now, like going and getting Mexican food because I am not too trashed to drive or remembering how I put my children to bed and knowing that I am doing what I can to take better care of myself and to be in a better state of mind.
What words of wisdom or encouragement would you share with someone reading your story, who is struggling with recovery or has yet to find recovery?
If you can find a glimmer of hope and you think you have a problem, then the chances are you do have a problem. Just go to a 12 step meeting and listen to the stories, go with an open mind. That’s what I did. Never EVER give up hope. Hope is what I thrive on.
I talk about God and He is my Higher Power. Just find your Higher Power or someone you can turn it over to. Don’t give up hope and keep the faith.
Admitting the truth is the hardest and it is scary because addiction IS a disease! I don’t have an off switch. I never have. I was born an alcoholic. My father is, my uncles are and while my dad hasn’t taken a drink in 20 years, he didn’t work a program. He is one of those dry drunks who won’t admit he has a problem, just a bad habit. So he holds on to a lot of resentment.
He and I didn’t speak for years and I don’t want that for me and my kids. That’s another reason I am open about it with them.
Sobriety has saved my life, it has saved my children’s lives and the lives of anyone I may have killed on the roads had I continued to drink and drive.
I will shout it from the rooftops! People in recovery are all in the same lifeboat. We are all here to save each other’s lives. I can’t save your life for you , but I sure can help you!