Addiction Affects So Many More than Just the Addict
Since I decided to become a recovery advocate several years ago, I’ve made a lot of friends through Facebook, Twitter, my personal blog, meetings, and the stories and blogs I’ve posted here on Heroes in Recovery. Let’s just say I know a lot of people affected by addiction.
Some of the people I’ve met are addicts themselves, either in recovery or actively using. But the vast majority of my new friends are parents, brothers, or sisters of substance abusers. They are family members who suffer from broken hearts, cry real tears, have feelings of guilt, and wonder why their loved one was afflicted with addiction. A lot of them hurt more than you can imagine.
Addiction is a family disease. If anybody believes differently, they are wrong. Until you have gone through a loved one’s addiction and experienced the havoc it can wreak on your own life, you will not understand the ups and downs that family members go through. You may be sympathetic and supportive of someone affected by addiction in their family, but only people who have “been there” can feel true empathy.
Having an addict in the family means that you’ll likely go through ups and downs just like your loved one does. Unless your loved one is in long-term recovery, you will probably find yourself doing a lot of second-guessing, wondering, worrying, and forecasting. Ah, yes, forecasting. You will do more short-term and long-term forecasting than all the local TV weathermen combined. It’s just the nature of the beast.
Family members of addicts feel good when their loved one is in a good place. Unfortunately, the flip side is true as well. When the addict is suffering, the family members suffer, too. Again, it’s the nature of the beast. Addiction is a family disease.
But the reach of addiction can also extend far beyond the family. Friends of people who have addicted loved ones—even friends who have never actually met—can be affected as well. And that’s what prompted me to write this blog.
When I woke up this morning (a Monday), I checked my Facebook account like I always do. When I did, I saw that I had two private messages in my inbox. So I proceeded to open my inbox and read them.
The first message was from a friend I’ve never met, but with whom I have communicated with in recent weeks. Her son is an addict and went to Michael’s House in Palm Springs, California, for his latest round of treatment. This past weekend, this woman and her family attended Family Weekend at Michael’s House. From my personal experience with my son, I know that the Family Weekend program at Michael’s House is phenomenal, and I had told my friend this in advance of her family attending.
The message from this friend was one sentence: “Best weekend of our lives.”
The other message in my inbox was from another friend I’ve never met. She has a brother who had a substance abuse problem and was in long-term recovery.
The message from this friend was: “Well, after 10 years of sobriety my brother is back in rehab as of today. I don’t think I can talk about it yet. But I felt compelled to send you a note because I knew that you would understand what my family is going through right now.”
When I read the first message, I smiled. When I read the second message, I broke down and started crying.
My wife, who was sitting next to me, asked me what was wrong. I turned my laptop screen toward her and showed her both messages, side by side. “This is what addiction is,” I said to her. “This sums it up perfectly. The ups and downs of it. It sucks.”
I replied to both messages, but replying to the second one was much tougher than replying to the first. After offering my thoughts, prayers, and virtual hugs to my friend whose brother had relapsed, I was reminded of a passage from a new book I’m reading called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. That passage, which I just read the night before, reads:
“If we treat a stumble as a catastrophe or a sign that a person was not really serious about change, it’s not likely that she will keep trying. If we encourage her to learn from the experience and problem-solve how to do it differently next time, she will more likely try again.”
I sent that passage to my friend in hopes that it may provide some comfort to her. If not immediately, perhaps in the coming days or weeks.
Addiction is a disease whose ups and downs reach far beyond just the addict. It affects everyone who cares about the addict. Especially family members. And friends. And even friends of family members who have never actually met in person. That is one incredibly powerful beast.
Note: If you are in recovery, or if you have a loved one who is in recovery, please consider sharing your story on the Heroes in Recovery website. Real recovery begins with real people. And real stories. By sharing, you can help BREAK THE STIGMA.
You can share your story in one of two ways:
1.) Go to the Heroes in Recovery page, share your story directly, and let them know Dean sent you.
2.) Contact me on Facebook (Dean Dauphinais) and I can help you through the process. Or we can talk on the phone and I can help you write your story.
I have a couple of stories posted under “Dean D.” I invite you to go check them out. Also, please feel free to share this blog post or leave comments below.
Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith.
–Dean