- Alcohol
“Hello everyone, my name is Darryl and I’m an alcoholic. I’m also someone who cries and I’m not ashamed of either one.”
That is how I would sometimes begin before sharing at a 12-step meeting, and depending on what I was sharing, I would actually cry.
Notice I said “would”? That’s because it’s been almost a year since I attended my last 12-step meeting, and I had only attended a few of them over the preceding seven years. I don’t say this to boast, I simply say it because it’s part of my story, and that’s what I’m supposed to be telling you here.
I call myself a high-bottom alcoholic, and also a recovered one. I will be sober eighteen years on April 27, 2014, and although I attended many meetings in my sobriety, after my eighth year anniversary some of my views about the 12-steps began to change, and as certain events took place, it led to my next step in life; attend fewer meetings and try to find greater happiness on my own.
Up until that time, I met people in the rooms who helped me in different ways, and I routinely read the books made by the 12-step program. One book in particular was written for alcoholics who still had a home, a family, and a job, in an effort to spare them the last fifteen years or so of hell that many low bottom alcoholics experienced. However, practicing the steps as I understood them in this book did more than just spare me from that. It also helped me grow more self-confident and learn how to love myself enough to be happy with who I was.
As a child, I experienced much uncertainty in my life from my parents fighting, and as I grew into a teenager, this uncertainty became insecurity. I was also very fearful, and the combination of fear, insecurity, and the entrenched negative emotions I felt of worry, anger, sadness, and self-pity, made alcohol a great alternative.
I may not have experienced the hell that low-bottom alcoholics talk about, but deep down I knew what hell was. The misery and self-loathing I experienced as a result of how I was living while drinking made me feel even worse about myself, and no matter how many times I tried to quit, I just couldn’t stop on my own.
I will always be grateful for the 12-steps. However, as I said earlier, I did eventually seek greater happiness on my own. I read books on spirituality and what others thought about God to help me grow spiritually and believe in more than just this world. And I used difficult circumstances in my life to help me grow as a person and believe in myself.
Of course, there will always be room for more growth in my life, but I believe today that I do have the ability to create my own happiness. I still call myself a high-bottom and recovered alcoholic. And I still cry sometimes when speaking about certain things. But I also now believe we should never be ashamed of anything in our lives, especially when it can help others. That’s my story so far, and I’m sticking to it.