- Alcohol
- Faith
From the time I first had alcohol I knew I was happy. I grew up in a Jewish household and every Sabbath Friday and Saturday the meals included ceremony and wine. I guess you could say the religion of my understanding is how I got started in my drinking career. I learned what alcohol did for me from the young age of around 7 or 8 and relished the time I could spend with my family at the dinner table on the Sabbath since it included wine, albeit not great tasting the feeling I got from it was amazing. It allowed me to have fun and play with my brother and sister and friends. Previously, I was very introverted around my family. I was always away from home playing with the neighborhood kids. I had fears of letting others know the real me, including my family, though. Other symptoms from this affected how others would or wouldn’t socialize with me. I became withdrawn and my parents didn’t know how to handle this, though they sought help from many sources, even enrolling me in a live-in facility in Cleveland where I was away from family and friends for over 4 years.
When I returned home to Tennessee, some friends were still around and, although my family loved me just the same, I still wanted to escape. That summer my parents announced they were getting a divorce and me, still being all about me, had ideas it was my fault. I started raiding dad’s liquor cabinet, taking small amounts of everything he had and mixing them into a mason jar. A couple of friends and I would then sneak out across the street to a golf course and drink it. Sometime later in high school I found more friends who partied and drank like I wanted to drink. They invited me over for “events” and parties. I was still too young to buy alcohol from the stores so I paid them a few bucks to drink what they had. Sometimes they didn’t care if I had money or not so I drank on their tab.
After high school is when I started going downhill. Dad and I got into a fight one night and he was laying down the laws of the house. I didn’t like it so I moved out with a high school friend, since his brother moved out and there was a spare room in his apartment. I got a job at a pizza parlor to pay my share of the rent…and booze. We had parties frequently. One time I invited some folks over and word got around so fast that over 200 kids showed up at our place. My friend came home from work that night to find the police just leaving and many people being hauled off. Most of them were under age.
Parties soon led to clubbing and I went out most nights to have fun and drink. All this time I spent being away from family, but finding friends that drank like I did, kept me going out. I got into all sorts of dance club activities to be around alcohol and my drinking kept getting worse. There was a time I went to a party from the club and started drinking heavily. I didn’t remember leaving and when I came to I was in a different place, in a strange bed with a girl I must have met at the party, and had my pants on. I fell out of bed and searched for some time for the front door. I woke someone to ask them where I was and they said, “You don’t remember? You drove!” I then searched frantically for the front door and, after finding it, opened the door to find my car backed into the drive with no new scratches or dents. I sat down and cried. After everyone was awake and we were leaving, I asked directions out of the neighborhood, all the while telling them not to let me do that again, like it was their choice.
Still this fear didn’t scare me enough to quit drinking. I’ve been to jail, court, multiple traffic violations, accidents, even almost killing someone on my way to work one morning following another nightly spree. Nothing would stop my drinking. After a time I tried school, not finding a real direction of interest in my studies, but finding more drinking instead.
Dad and his then soon to be next wife took the family to Las Vegas, where I had a great time. I learned that as long as I kept gambling the servers kept the drinks full. I learned how to ski in the meantime and moved to Utah a year later.
Let me back up a bit here and tell you that the God of my understanding included alcohol but I left that God behind when I was a kid.
After moving to Salt Lake City, taking temporary room in my sister’s house, I quickly found a job and a place. I then found the bars and state liquor stores. My job at the time was seasonal at the ski resort. I worked in the food and beverage store room as a clerk. I could buy food and drink from the store at cost. Free skiing and cheap alcohol, the ski bum’s life. I was living it for another few years. I traveled between Utah and Tennessee between jobs as I had work at a local auto shop and at a bar a few nights out of the week. I had tried bar tending once but I was a DJ this time. Still I was getting cheap or free drinks. During the ski season I packed alcohol in my pack, one time dropping it from the lift.
After a time I returned to Tennessee to finish an associate’s degree. I had visited Colorado in my travels, meeting a good friend along the way. I moved to Colorado, learning previously that Denver was one of the top 5 cities with the most bars and liquor stores per capita in the country. I was chasing the next drink all this time. I took temporary residence with my friend then found a good job and a place to live. Also found more bars to hang out. The sport of darts became my excuse to frequent the bars as I’ve played in Tennessee in leagues before. I then did something I said I would never do. I met a woman in a bar and we started dating. After a couple of trips to my parents and also her parents, she said we would probably not be together if I kept drinking. So I stopped. We got married and I then felt something I never want to feel again. For more than 3 years I roiled in the fear that was my dry alcoholism. I got so miserable, hurting my family and friends; I couldn’t live like that anymore. I didn’t know what to do.
And here is where my life took a 180 degree turn. She suggested I find a support group. A light bulb went on and I was on the phone. Long before the only exposure I had to 12-step programs was the old joke, “What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?” I found a recovery club close to home and went. The first few weeks were fuzzy and, after the water works turned off, I got a sponsor. I started working the steps and doing the suggestions given me. One thing that held my attention in the rooms was a poster on the wall that read ‘Why we are here’ and listed all the things a responsible person might practice in their lives with other people. Every meeting I would read it at least once. A little time in the program found me miserable in my marriage. We were either fighting or silent with each other. I was going to meetings, not because I needed them but also to escape…again. After I got a little more than a year in the program my then wife suggested I find a way to balance the meetings with home life and I tried.
A little while later I was in a ‘hiatus’ from the program. I didn’t drink but that misery found its way back into my life. I started going to meetings more often again. Shortly after I learned why the program meant life or death for me.
Sometime later she and I got into a fight over her youngest son (she has 3 boys from a previous marriage) and his friend smoking pot at the house. I called the police. They came more for us than for him. I was done. I left that night. I found that she wasn’t going to give up “protecting” her boys, even if the excuse was “it’s safer at home than out there” for them to drink and smoke at the house. I couldn’t cross that line.
After moving out, all the screaming and yelling and hurt and pain aside, I got to a point where I could breathe a little. Then my Higher Power showed me my whole 4th step on my part in the whole ordeal. Later, during the angry divorce, I got to a point where I was miserable and angry enough to want to drink myself to death with a bottle of whiskey. Thank God for AA. I got to a meeting and talked with other alcoholics and stayed sober another day. One week later found the courts finalized the papers. A friend in the program suggested I pray for her what I wanted for myself. There was the most difficult question I had to answer. For decades of drinking found me not dealing with life and emotions and I was miserable without it. Now I had to figure out what I really wanted from life. When I did finally answer that question I knew I already had it. Happiness was the goal in my life, the one thing I truly never knew. I did know love and sometimes feeling good, but true happiness was beyond me. Or so I thought. I then started praying for her and the boys to get what I truly wanted. God worked the magic. One day after sending a letter – keeping in touch with her by mail was easier as I tried to keep the letters ‘sterile’ from emotion, I got a call at work. It was her. I had sent a letter written as usual except for one small note at the bottom: ‘P.S. – I hope you and the boys aren’t suffering too much’. I called her back (wondering many times previously if I should erase her information from my phone) after work and we talked for hours. It sounded like she was also in recovery. Today we are good friends again.
There have been many good experiences and bad experiences in the program to follow and many times I’ve had to hit my knees and ask for help. This was explained to me as true moments of humility. After creating a part time business at home and also returning back to school to advance my career, something recently hit me. A realization of awe brought me to my knees in tears. I was experiencing a true moment of gratitude.
Many things have happened in my life but this program has given me the tools to deal with it now. I have a higher power of my own understanding and many friends inside and outside of recovery. I still make mistakes and once in a while have fears but I know that being human is perfectly OK. Remember that joke I mentioned earlier? What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
Alcoholics go to meetings
Jeff C.