- Alcohol
- Drugs
I am in recovery for addiction to alcohol and opioids. I quit drinking in August of 2012 and went into inpatient rehab for addiction to pain pills in December of 2012. Since then, I have had relapses with both alcohol and pills and finally became clean on May 21, 2013.
My addictions led me down a very dark and destructive path that without sobriety would have most likely resulted in loss of family, loss of my life or the life of someone else while under the influence.
It started innocently with Tylenol 3 with codeine from a friend of mine to help with severe headaches. He quickly became my supplier for a number of years, introducing me to other opioids and sharing his prescriptions with me.
For the longest time I was fine with whatever pills he gave me in whatever amount. In April of 2012 I suffered an ankle injury resulting in a severely bruised and swollen ankle that could not be diagnosed. It took eight months and three orthopedic surgeons to find someone who was willing to do exploratory surgery without a diagnosis.
At the time of my surgery, my ankle was still bruised and swollen. After seeing the second orthopedic surgeon who also had no diagnosis, I walked by a pain clinic on my way back to work. I thought, “You know what? I wonder if these guys can do anything for me.”
I was no longer reliant on my friend to get me pills, although I continued to ask for them and he was happy to share. Now, I was getting a new prescription every three to four weeks. I started on hydrocodone which I had already built up a tolerance to and by saying, “Well, that didn’t work,” they would prescribe stronger medication. By the time I went to rehab in December 2012, I had prescriptions for morphine and OxyContin from the pain clinic.
In addition, I had a prescription for Valium from my primary care physician. What started out as taking the Valium according to the prescription eventually lead to abusing this medication along with medication from the pain clinic. The pain clinic was fine with me taking Valium on top of their prescriptions. When urine tests at the pain clinic came back positive for something they weren’t prescribing me—which was against the rules—they never cut me off. They never said, “One more time and you’re out.” When I got out of rehab I called the pain clinic to cancel an appointment I had scheduled and told them why. Three weeks later they called me back and asked me if I wanted to return as a patient.
The turning point was my wife finally telling me that I needed to stop drinking alcohol. For the longest time I was a social drinker. I could have a beer or two in the evening after work and be content. Very rarely was I a hard alcohol drinker. At some point I flipped the switch and it was no longer just beer and wine, it was a lot of hard alcohol. When I would leave work at the end of the day, it was common to stop at a convenience store and buy a beer or two for the ride home.
While I was drinking, I was taking the pills, too– anything to alter my feelings. I travel a lot for work and I wouldn’t think twice about getting to the airport to fly home and think, “Oh, it’s the end of the week…it’s been a stressful week” and having a couple drinks before boarding the plane; and then continue to drink once on the plane. There would also be times I felt like I had to stop to get a beer or two to get from the airport to home because I had been drinking all day. I felt like I had to keep drinking to stay awake and be able to function.
In August of 2012, I had two auto accidents in a one week span while under the influence. The first accident I do not remember having. The second accident was a single car accident which I remember having but do not know what caused the accident or how I damaged my vehicle. After the second accident my wife demanded that I stop drinking which I did cold turkey the following day. I believe with alcohol out of the picture my actions and behavior while on opioids became more noticeable and prominent.
As soon as we would sit down on the couch in the evening after dinner to watch TV I’d fall asleep. I’d fall asleep at the dinner table. I would sweat in the night or not sleep through the night. I had every excuse under the sun such as “I had a busy day at work”, “I’ve been gone all week, and I’m tired”.
In December of 2012, I went out of town for business. The phone conversation that first night out of town was an ultimatum from my wife saying she didn’t want me to come home until I had done something about the pills.
I didn’t know what to do. It never crossed my mind to Google “rehab centers.” The thought of going somewhere to get treatment or get help never entered my mind. In my mind I was not an addict and did not realize the seriousness of my addiction. By the end of the week, my wife agreed to let me come home while I figured out what I was going to do. I was severely emotional, didn’t know what to do and was scared to go home fearing nothing but yelling and arguing.
I got off at my exit from the interstate, pulled into a gas station and called 911. I had two bottles of pills sitting right next to me and I said, “This is what’s going on. I need somebody to help me or I’m just going take a whole bunch of these pills.” I was taken to the ER, and eventually that evening transferred into a rehab facility.
I was in rehab for a week and, honestly, I don’t think that was long enough. I think it was good for getting me off of the pills and getting me through that detox phase. I followed up with an outpatient program at the same facility for a month meeting for three hours a night, three nights a week. Looking back, I wish my inpatient treatment would’ve been longer or it had been followed up with a stay in some type of rehabilitation home. I remember thinking “I wonder if this is how a soldier feels after returning from war and not knowing they have PTSD?” Coming out of rehab, my wife and I were both in shock and didn’t really have the tools in place to deal with recovery. She was understandably angry, upset, hurt and betrayed.
I started attending recovery meetings and my wife attended family support meetings, but rarely communicated about the meetings. Neither one of us made it a priority to seek out counseling right away. Our relationship was strained enough where we didn’t know what to do next or how to interact with each other which had a negative impact on our relationship. It wasn’t until about June of 2013 that we started to feel that our relationship was back on track, feeling good about our marriage and being committed to making it work.
I struggle with guilt and at times low self-esteem. Guilt for the harm and hurt I’ve put my family, friends and co-workers through. At times I feel like I have a tattoo on my forehead that says addict, loser or failure. I often wonder if this is normal and part of the recovery process much like somebody dealing with the loss of a loved one.
Today, I am most proud of rebuilding my marriage with my wife and having a good relationship with my children. We’ll be married 21 years in July 2014. Through all of this, my wife has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader and for that I’m very grateful and thankful. If the roles were reversed, I don’t know if I could’ve been that person.
The biggest thing that has helped the most has been going to church as a family on a regular basis and getting involved in a recovery program with my wife. Our recovery program is not just for chemical or alcohol addiction. It can be for anything: eating, co-dependency, anger, abuse, etc.
I would tell someone at the beginning of this journey to get “plugged in” somewhere. Whether it’s going to a meeting, church, counseling or finding a program like ours. The help is out there, you just need to find it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s amazing once you start on your road to recovery the doors that open for you, the people you meet and how much better you can feel about yourself both mentally and physically. You can’t do it yourself. You can’t throw in the towel.