- Alcohol
- Faith
How long have you been on your recovery journey?
I celebrated my eighth sober anniversary on March 11, 2014.
What is the biggest positive change in your life since then?
My life is what I had imagined it to be for many years. When I was 19, I read about serenity for the first time. That is what I always wanted in my life: serenity, courage and grace. I searched for that for many years, thinking I could find it by drinking. It wasn’t until I stopped drinking and became part of a sober community that I began to “live.” My dreams had finally come true.
What led to your need for recovery?
I started drinking when I was 13. In my early 20s, I realized that I was probably in trouble with alcohol. This stayed in the back of my mind for the next 20+ years. By the time I was in my 40s, I knew I was a “functioning” alcoholic. I was raising my family, active in the community and working full time. I drove my kids while I was drinking, and by the grace of God never hurt anyone. I was drunk during their birthday parties. I carried wine in a coffee cup to soccer practices and school concerts. I started each and every day hung over from the 2+ bottles of wine I would drink every night. During the last few years of my drinking, I felt miserable 24 hours a day: physically miserable and emotionally miserable.
What was the turning point for you?
During most of my drinking “career,” I was a happy drunk, but that began to change. I started getting angry, mean and cruel when I drank. My older daughter was 13 at the time, and that poor child couldn’t blink an eye without me going after her verbally. One night I was especially of control, spewing venom at her with my younger daughter looking on. In a moment of clarity, I found myself looking down at the entire picture and realizing what kind of harm I was doing to them. I knew I needed help. Shortly thereafter I began an outpatient program. I remember saying to the counselor that there was no way I could imagine the rest of my life without a drink. I just could not fathom how I would get through the days. It still amazes me how strong that feeling was at the time, that I’ve actually gotten through as many days as I have and that I have done it with peace in my soul for the first time in my life.
What is one important truth you’ve learned through the process?
The list of “truths” I have learned from being sober, from the sober community and from my sponsor is a very long list. I think the top thing I’ve learned is to have compassion. I had always thought of myself as a compassionate person, but when I looked at the list of resentments I had, I realized that I was missing true compassion for those closest to me. This realization changed my relationships with my husband and my sister in an enormous way. The other two things I’ve learned are to, “keep my own side of the street clean,” and to make amends immediately when my side of the street gets a little messy.
What are you most proud of about your life today?
I’m most proud of the relationships I’ve reestablished with my husband, my daughters and my sister. I’m grateful that with the help of my sponsor, I realized early that I couldn’t change my past behaviors, but I could make amends to my family by being sober and living sober. I have tried my best to be honest with them, to have compassion for them, not to place blame, to “own” my behaviors and to make amends when my behaviors stray from sober living into “dry drunk” territory.
Last week I spoke at my home group’s monthly anniversary meeting, and my younger daughter was with me while I got my eight-year medallion. To my surprise she got up to hand me that medallion and thanked my home group for teaching me so much and for teaching her so much, since I share a lot of the principles at home. In that moment I saw the beauty of sobriety and of passing along a serene life interlaced with some grace, a life with a lot less chaos than the world she was growing up in.
I’m also very proud of my relationship with my higher power. I came into sobriety as an agnostic and with a tremendous aversion to God talk. Being told to get on my knees appalled me, but through a lot of talking and reading, I found there was a difference between spirituality and religion. Once I recognized this difference and started talking with my higher power many times a day, I began to see miracles happen around me. Admittedly I still don’t get down on my knees. I tend to have these talks with the god of my understanding while waking up or sitting on the couch, but it truly works for me and continues to amaze me.
What is one of your biggest struggles in ongoing recovery? How do you overcome that?
I don’t feel like I struggle an awful lot with sobriety namely because life is finally as I imagined it. If there is any sort of struggle, it’s with the fact that my husband and I shared a love of pairing wine and food. It was our core shared interest. I miss doing that with him, but I would like to find another thing we can share.
Are there goals you’ve met or dreams you’ve pursued that you’re particularly proud of?
I recently “survived” a layoff from a job I had for 28 years. I was blindsided by this, but because of everything I’ve learned, I picked up and moved on. It was out of my control, but the layoff gave me the opportunity to find a job I love and go back to school. I never would’ve been able to take those steps if I had been drinking.
Is there a truth or piece of advice someone shared with you that has helped you on this road?
When I was newly sober, my younger daughter was hit by a car, and I was amazed by the fact that I didn’t want to drink. In the past family medical emergencies had sent me straight to the bottle. It was suggested that my obsession had left me, and for that I was grateful, but after a few weeks of care-taking went by, I wanted to drink. It took some time, but eventually I remembered that drinking wouldn’t solve the problem. I would make it worse. I remembered that drinking wouldn’t change the situation or make it go away. My advice is that there are times when you don’t think you can make it another day without a drink, so you just have to make it another minute and another minute after that. For each minute you don’t drink, ask yourself what will change if you do drink, and you will likely find that you’re better off not drinking. Each time I’ve made it through the periods that I wanted to drink , the next time a situation arose, it was easier to get through. It’s kind of like a sober-muscle: the more your exercise it, the stronger it gets.
What would you tell someone at the beginning of this journey who is afraid they can’t do it?
Do what you are told in the beginning. There is someone who has had the same experience you’re having. If you do nothing else, go to meetings and reach out to others. The reaching out is really hard for an alcoholic to do, but it helps. Remember to go easy on yourself. This is isn’t about willpower. It’s a disease, and getting sober is the treatment.