SHAME: It Can’t Survive Being Shared
Of all the emotions addiction triggers in people, shame is one of the most common—and, I believe, the most debilitating.
The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines the word “shame” this way:
“A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.”
But I prefer another definition. This one comes from best-selling author and public speaker Brené Brown in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are (Hazelden, 2010):
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
Feeling flawed and unworthy of love and belonging is something no human being should ever have to experience. But it is extremely prevalent in the world of addiction. Whether it’s the substance abuser themselves or one of their loved ones—mother, father, spouse, sister, brother, etc.—shame usually finds a way to break into the affected person’s vault of emotions and take up residence there, all the while holding that person hostage . . . at gunpoint.
Shame takes hold of people affected by addiction because of the stigma associated with the disease. Sadly, for the most part society still thinks of addiction as a moral weakness or character flaw, much the way AIDS was thought of in the early 1980s. Because so many people don’t understand addiction, substance abusers and their loved ones often feel “dirty,” inferior, and afraid to speak out.
“Drug users are bad people.”
“People who are addicted to drugs choose that lifestyle.”
“If they wanted to stop, they’d just stop.”
“Parents of drug abusers raised their children wrong.”
With friends, family, and society in general saying and thinking those things, is it any wonder that shame makes those who are affected by addiction feel broken and worthless?
I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way.
When I first learned of my son’s addiction, I, too, felt shame. I was worried about what others would think, not only of my son but also of me. I had been sucked into believing the stigma. I was hurting, feeling guilty, and was afraid to speak out.
Then something inside me told me that by believing the stigma I was feeding the stigma; and by feeding the stigma I was helping it grow stronger. That felt so wrong, because deep down inside I knew I was not a bad person. I was just the father of someone suffering from a terrible disease.
So I decided to stop feeding the stigma and do the opposite: I set out to break the stigma. I became totally transparent, started a personal blog about my experiences with my son, and shared with the world. By speaking out openly and honestly, I was able to extricate the shame from my emotional vault and start to heal. I felt a tremendous weight lifted from my body as I began my own recovery.
If you feel shame, because of your own addiction or that of a loved one, it’s okay. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and you are not alone, because feeling shame is part of the human condition. In fact, if you never felt shame you wouldn’t be normal.
But shame robs us of worthiness. It tries to convince us that people will think less of us simply because of our situation. And it very frequently prevents people who need treatment for their substance abuse or mental health problems from seeking it. We need to fix that, not only as individuals but also as a society.
Some of the most powerful words in Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection are these:
“Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment. When something shaming happens and we keep it locked up, it festers and grows. It consumes us. We need to share our experience . . . . Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it—it can’t survive being shared.”
I love that last part: “It can’t survive being shared.”
We need to share our experiences. We need to tell our stories. We need to break the stigma. We need to feel worthy of love and belonging, because we all deserve that.
“Get clear on this one truth: guilt, shame, and self-criticism are some of the most destructive forces in your life, which is why forgiving yourself is one of the most powerful.” –Jen Sincero
If you are in recovery, or if you have a loved one who is in recovery, please consider sharing your story on the Heroes in Recovery website. Real stories from real people can inspire real recovery in others. By sharing, you can help BREAK THE STIGMA.
You can share your story in one of two ways:
1.) Go to the Heroes in Recovery, to share your story directly, and let them know Dean sent you.
2.) Contact me on Facebook (Dean Dauphinais) and I can help you through the process. Or we can talk on the phone and I can help you write your story.
Also, please feel free to share this blog post or leave comments below. I want to know what your thoughts are on this subject. All feedback is appreciated.
–Dean