- Alcohol
Even as a young child, I always thought there was something different about me. I just didn’t fit in, friendships were hard to form at school and at home and I always felt I was the odd one out of the family. While my older sibling was spoiled by grandparents, aunts and uncles, I was always left on the sidelines. My parents always seemed to treat me differently from my brothers and sister.
At the age of 13, I found my friend in drink. At first it was just the odd drink of cider when I was feeling low or alone, but by the time I reached the age of 14, I was drinking 1 to 2 bottles a night. I worked hard to fund my habit. I was working up to five paper rounds per week and doing odd jobs for neighbors outside of school hours. Eventually the jobs didn’t cover the cost of my habit so I lied about my age and got myself a job at a bakery. This meant being a truant so that I could work. This carried on for about two years until I sat my exams at school.
After leaving school I got a job cleaning aircrafts, and my drinking subsided a little as I really enjoyed my time there. After awhile days off became particularly chaotic, as I would go out and drink continuously. I often slept rough as I was so drunk, I couldn’t get home. I left the airport in 2000 and went to work in the hospitality trade as an assistant manager of my local pub. As you can imagine, I thought all my Christmases had come at once. Drink was at my fingertips every hour of my working day, and I would get drunk on my time off as I did before. I had become a functioning alcoholic. I got away with this, or so I thought, for around six years. I stopped drinking for awhile on a couple of occasions and thought I was in control, but the drink was never far behind.
When my father became ill with terminal cancer, I took him in to give him the care he needed, make sure he had a good meal and help him with his medication. When Dad was so ill he needed a wheelchair to get about, I would take him to the pub at his request. I would have a couple of drinks but not too many, as I needed my wits about me for Dad’s care. Dad’s passing was a horrendous time for me. My family wanted to get what they could of Dad’s possessions while I was left to organize the funeral and finances with only a little help from my sister. The stress was too much, and on a couple of occasions, I took Dad’s leftover medication, and of course the drink was always by my side. It was my old friend, and at that time I would frequent my local pub during the day and return home in the evenings with a couple of bottles or a dozen cans of strong cider.
My addiction finally peaked around 2 ½ years ago. At that point I was drinking, on average, 12 liters of strong cider and, on a really good day, a 70 cl bottle of brandy on top. The booze really had me in its grip, and I couldn’t see a way out nor did I want a way out. Eventually my liver got to be in a bad way, and my kidneys weren’t too good either. I would wake in the mornings vomiting blood and bile and struggling to control my bowel and bladder. I could no longer function without the drink. I would wake in the night to drink to top up the level of alcohol in my blood and would never be away from my beloved bottle. Eventually something did bring me to my senses, and I went to my GP for help. They referred me to a program that helped me look at reducing my intake and referred me to another program where I got additional help and was put forward for detox. Coming off was no easy task. I had had this friend for 27 years. It was always there when I needed it, and now I was saying goodbye to it.
After my detox I got myself into a structured recovery program and completed over 30 weeks in abstinence. I have been sober now for 20 months and work tirelessly to help others in recovery. I have a new life for myself now and enjoy every moment of it. Recovery from any addiction is never easy, and many of us don’t achieve it the first time around. However recovery is worth every craving and every urge to pick up. Cravings are just old memories of my old self. My new self sees these old memories as the reason I work in recovery. If anyone is willing to give up their addiction, there is help out there, but you have to want it. Only we can change ourselves by following a 12-step program or getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or even both. We must do whatever we need to do, and we are not alone in our struggle. At the end of the day, recovery can be so much fun. I have a lot of friends these days, people just like me who all want the same thing: a life free from addiction.