- Alcohol
My name is Brooke, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I took my first drink of alcohol at 14 years old. I didn’t just drink a little that night; I drank to get completely drunk. I don’t know if I would have taken that first drink if I’d known that alcoholism runs in my family. I spent most of the next 14 years being a normal drinker; I drank maybe three to four times a year. I started to drink more when I remembered being raped by an ex-boyfriend.
I didn’t want to deal with the emotional trauma my ex-boyfriend put me through. He was verbally abusive and raped me twice. I came to a point in my path where I could either deal with the abuse/rapes or drink. I chose to drink. I drank a lot and gave most of my love to alcohol. Who am I kidding? I gave all my love to it. It devastated every relationship with myself, my family and my friends. It crippled everything and left emotional scars in its wake.
My first stint of sobriety was from 2003 to 2006. I “white knuckled” all three years and only attended one meeting. I would not recommend that path to anyone. I felt alone in those sober years. I didn’t have a sponsor or share any part of my personal feelings with anyone. I started drinking again because I thought I could handle it and not drink every night. I was certain I could keep my drinking under control this time. I was so wrong about that. At first I’d drink just on Friday and Saturday nights but then I moved to drinking on weekends or if my daughter wasn’t home. Before I knew it, I was back to drinking every night. Alcoholism is an expensive disease. At my worst I would spend anywhere from $200 to $350 per month on alcohol.
My drinking affected my daughter the most. She was there when I’d get so drunk that I’d fight with her over nothing. I called her names and would pick fights in my drunken stupors. Most of the time, I didn’t remember what I’d said the night before so she’d leave me letters in the bathroom for me to read the next morning. I still have some of those letters as a stark reminder of who I was. I don’t ever want to go back to that place. I know she wished at times that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. I wished that sometimes too.
It was obvious that alcohol was destroying everything in my life, and I was killing myself a little bit more every day that I drank.
I remember the last time I drank as if it was yesterday. I had finished throwing up in the toilet, and I stopped at the mirror to look at myself. My eyes were bloodshot and watery. I could have been crying, but I was too drunk to know for sure. I just know that something in my brain clicked on. It was that at that exact moment when I realized two things: I didn’t want to drink again, and I couldn’t do it alone.
Being and staying sober began on August 20, 2010. I woke up to that inner voice we all hear. It was yelling and screaming at me to go get something to drink. The next day wasn’t any easier, nor was the next 88 days. My inner voice finally quieted down a little bit after about 90 days.
There are some things that I am grateful to no longer experience. I no longer wake up in the morning with a hangover. There is no urge to have that first drink. I now remember things without someone else having to do a replay of the previous evening. I no longer get paranoid and think that people are outside my house recording me with video cameras. I’d freak out about it, but only when I drank. I went to a crazy, insane and psychotic place many of the times I drank.
One of the most improved and solid relationships I now have is with my daughter. We have come so far in four years. It truly is amazing! For her I have pride and the non-wavering love that only a parent can have for their child. She is a warrior and my biggest accomplishment to date. I love and respect her with every fiber of my being.
Even in recovery my life isn’t perfect, but it is so much better than it was when I drank. I accept and acknowledge that this disease will be with me for the rest of my life. I am proud to admit that yes, this is part of who I am. I wouldn’t be a full human being without accepting every part of my soul. Anyone in recovery for any disease or addiction knows that each individual’s recovery path is different. Working with my inner demons can sometimes be a battle of wits, but I reach out to my recovery family. I have a sponsor, supportive family and friends and a couple of closed groups online. They are sounding boards, listeners and ones who will always be in my corner. I love them all.
To those that still drink: Someone sober is just a phone call, text message, email, social media message or post away. We’ve been where you are right now. We are ready to listen when you are ready to talk or have someone listen. We won’t push you into admitting anything until you are ready to admit it to yourself first and foremost. In recovery we don’t shoot our wounded. We are all here for each other.