Did Sobriety Change Me?
It took me approximately twenty years to get to the airport to make my way to my own personal journey to find recovery. Twenty years of isolation, hiding, secrets, and lies were all weighing heavily on my mind. During this time, I only left my house for the essentials and to go to work. After a while, I never allowed visitors in my home. Most alcoholics do not really want anyone to know what is really going on in their lives. My drinking career was coming to an abrupt halt when I was hospitalized with complications due to alcohol abuse. The hospitalization gave me time to think and breathe. After I was released from the hospital and unable to quit using, I decided to take myself out of the game and put myself in a residential treatment center.
When the day came to start my way toward treatment, I had many feelings floating about in my head. What if I failed or what would life be like without alcohol and drugs? Would it change me as a person? During my state of confusion and my somewhat altered state of mind, I decided to post a message on Facebook letting people know that I was going to California for a month to take care of some personal issues. To this day, I cannot say why I did this. It was not like I was fooling any of my friends. Most of them had seen the writing on the wall or they knew that something was really wrong in my life. When I hit the send button, I don’t know if I actually realized there was no turning back. Like most addicts in active addiction, we say our thoughts and walk away, oblivious of our loved ones reactions or feelings and too involved in our own personal turmoil to care. The reasoning behind my decision to make my addiction public was a complete blur in my already overloaded mind. All I knew is that I had to put one foot in front of the other in order for things to change in my life.
Inpatient treatment was exactly what I needed. It took me out of the game of everyday life to completely focus on myself and my addiction. After a safe medical detox, the real work began. The days were packed with classes, group therapy, individual therapy, and meetings. It was intense and I threw myself in head first. As the days turned into weeks, my head got clearer and my thoughts started to change. I realized that this was a lifelong process and I was fighting for my life. As my thirty days came to a close, I had to make decisions that would be crucial to my recovery. I started to ask myself, was I really ready to go back home and could I actually stay clean?
Fortunately, after completing thirty days of inpatient treatment, I made the decision to transition to a sober living house and an outpatient treatment center in Palm Springs, California, to see if I could manage the outside world living sober before I returned home to Tennessee. It was the most valuable and intelligent decision I ever made. During the next thirty days, I learned basic living skills that many of us forget and overlook during our addictions. I had basically lived by myself for the past 25 years. No one had ever held me accountable for my decisions and actions, not even myself. Sober living changed that for me. Sober living gave me structure and stability. It also gave me the confidence I needed before I made the transition to moving back home.
One of the blessings of inpatient treatment is that you are disconnected from all distractions in the outside world. However, when you come out of treatment, you are immediately connected electronically to the outside world. When I got my phone back, I was shocked by the number of messages. The first thought that popped into my mind was, “What have I done?” Over the past thirty days, I had actually forgotten what I had posted before I had entered inpatient treatment. During my addiction, I avoided contact and calls with acquaintances, friends, and even family members. Also when you come out of treatment, your mind is clear and memories, whether good or bad, start to come back. I was fearful of what I had done and how I was going to be received. The first thought that popped into my addictive brain was, “How am I going to fix this?” However, when I started looking at my messages, I was amazed and humbled by the outpouring of support from my Facebook community. Each message was filled with love, concern, support, and encouragement. Also, I was somewhat astonished that many of my friends had a family member, friend, or colleague who was also battling their own personal demons. During the next thirty days of sober living, I decided to use social media as a tool to voice my feelings, thoughts, and day to day struggles of living a sober life.
For the next year, I posted every monthly milestone to commemorate my feelings and accomplishments. The vocal support of all my Facebook friends were like thunderous, silent, standing ovations. Throughout the next twelve months, I continued to go to meetings, outpatient therapy, and eventually aftercare therapy, but whenever I needed that little extra push and pat on the back, I turned to previous messages from friends on my monthly postings. When I finally reached my first year of sobriety, I posted that my monthly messages about my recovery were coming to an end. I never intended for my recovery to be an open book. The responses I got truly humbled me. Many people responded and encouraged me to continue. To this day, I continue to celebrate my monthly milestones with my thoughts, struggles, and accomplishments of what recovery has brought to my life through social media. To all of my Facebook friends, I thank you for being a part of my recovery. I will be forever grateful for your support and your continuous thunderous, silent, standing ovations!
So I did answer some questions that I asked myself when I made my journey out West to find sobriety. Did sobriety change me? What is life like now? First all life is great now. You still have bad days. Not every day is a bed of roses. But recovery gives you the tools that help you get through those days without using. I was able to secure my old job back and work sober for the first time in twenty years. I was able to rediscover my love of the profession that had been lost for years. Did it change me? It only made me better! The best compliment I received was from my best friend who has supported me throughout my recovery. He told me that hanging out with me now is like hanging out with that friend he knew twenty years ago. I appreciate that more than he knows. But most important to me is that I am able to show up for life, smile, breathe and keep a sense of humor while doing it. To me, that is living a good life!
If you want to share your story there are two ways to do it:
1. Please go to the Heroesinrecovery.com page, hit share your story, and let them know Bo sent you!
2. You can also contact me on Facebook at Bo Brown (Nashville, TN). Who knew there were that many Bo Brown’s out there? I can help guide you through the process over the phone and answer any questions you might have!
By sharing your story, you can help inspire others in ways you never knew. It also helps combat the continuous battle of breaking the stigma of addiction and mental health issues!
Please feel free to share my blog or leave a comment. I would love to hear your thoughts!
Much love,
Bo Brown