Recovery Helps Me Heal My Core Being: Active Addiction as False Narcissism
When I was in active addiction, my sister sought counsel. She was worried that I was a narcissist. She talked to a therapist and trusted friend about her fear. Personality disorders are different than other mental illnesses in that they are much more difficult to treat. Progress towards an integrated self comes at a snail’s pace, if it comes at all. Mood disorders, on the other hand, can be treated with medication, therapy, and lifestyle decisions (refraining from drug and alcohol use being chief among them, for me).
“If she is a true narcissist,” her friend warned, “and she ever seeks help, you cannot tell a mental health professional what you think.” Many mental health professionals and clinicians can’t – or won’t – treat personality disorders. They are too impracticable.
Being close to someone in active addiction can mimic closeness with a narcissist. A narcissist is a bottomless pit, ever focused on themselves and the moving targets of their needs. For a narcissist, a person or relationship is a means to some end; others are but a supplier, a mirror to prove they exist. For the addict, there is a similar pit, but it’s one of demand for their drug(s). My primary relationship for 16 years was with drugs, more than family, friends, or lovers. I cared more about drugs than myself and my loved ones, whether I realized it or not. It was narcissism in a pipe, in a vial, and in a bottle.
Lucky for me, recovery helps me heal my core being. I am an over comer of childhood trauma. I am an adult domestic violence survivor. I have a severe mental illness. I have been to jail. And I wear the label of “addict”. But I have been consistently stable for some time, and I have come to believe there is nothing inherently wrong with me. I am no longer a bottomless pit. I do not structure my life to protect and insure some supply of an external coping mechanism or sense of self. Truly, I no longer live in the land of smoke and mirrors.
If you are in recovery or have a loved one in recovery, we want to hear your story! You can help break the stigma by sharing your story directly: Heroes in Recovery. Let them know that B. Rae sent you.