- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
submitted by Susanne Johnson
My name is Lorelie R, and I’m a recovering addict.
Seventeen years ago I took the most difficult walk of my life through the front doors of a treatment center. At the time I couldn’t imagine anything other than the pain and despair I was in. I had no idea that my life was going to improve drastically right away. If I had a tail, it would have been tucked between my legs. My head hung low. Bangs in face, I stared at the floor feeling demoralized. If there was a more shameful place on earth to be, I couldn’t imagine where. Going to a treatment facility for alcohol and drug dependency was for addicts and alcoholics, and I sure as heck wasn’t one of those!
My father was an alcoholic, and I was nothing like him. He drank until he passed out. I snorted cocaine and stayed awake for days! At first it was fun, a lot of fun, but I couldn’t hold back time, and with its passing the sun rose. This is never a good thing when you have a husband and small children waiting at home for you. I’d tiptoe through the doorway praying no one would be awake. Barely breathing, I’d sneak into bed. My husband would wake up, and I’d tell my first lie of the day. My car ran out of gas, my purse was stolen, or I lost my phone. I was inventive, and for a little while, I got away with it, but addiction is like a spider web. It traps you within its silken folds, and it doesn’t let you go. All the things I’d said I’d never do, I did. I had to keep moving my “I’ll never do this” line further and further away. In the end I understood the truth. There was no line, there was only “not yet.”
My first marriage failed. I wasn’t emotionally available. I did serious damage to my kids. I wasn’t finished yet. I moved towns thinking that might be the solution. I didn’t know I was taking my problem with me. In a short matter of time, I’d created more chaos, caused more damage, and dragged my kids through various, unhealthy relationships. It never occurred to me that I might be the problem. Nothing was ever my fault. When I was young, I thought my dad was the problem. Then I got married and blamed my husband. My boss was a jerk. People weren’t fair. They picked on me. I didn’t trust my friends, and I manipulated men. Nothing was ever good enough, and if life was going well, I sabotaged it.
In the last months of my using, I got fired from my job and evicted from my home, my children left, my relationship broke up, and my drug dealer stopped fronting me drugs. “Not yet” had caught me. I guess a little part of me always knew it would.
They say when you’re down there’s only one way to go, but I was far from up. I lay underneath a cement ramp one night wondering if it could get any worse. I was lost, hurting bad and more than a little dope sick when I called on something I’d previously scorned. I prayed to an entity I didn’t believe in. I didn’t want to get clean. I just wanted the pain to stop. I agreed to go to rehab but planned to leave after I detoxed. Maybe I could learn how to use without all the nasty consequences that seemed to follow.
Being in rehab meant I couldn’t get my hands on alcohol or drugs. As my body cleared, I started to feel better. Going to group therapy every day, I began to thaw. Emotions that had been stuffed away in dark corners came to the surface. Feeling anything was overwhelming! I thought about leaving all the time, but a little voice whispered, “Stay.” Days turned into weeks, and the weirdest thing happened. The relief I’d been seeking in booze and drugs I found in hope. My 30-day mark came, and I was beside myself. I couldn’t stop grinning. I felt like a kid who was seeing and learning everything for the first time. When did trees and grass become so beautiful? Why had I never noticed the song of a bird? My kids came to visit me in rehab. At first they were cautious. My past promises still rang in their ears, and they were old souls. We took it slow. I learned that my first priority was to my recovery, and if I had that, anything was possible.
I never dreamed that one day I’d be working in the field of addiction helping addicts and their families to recover or that I’d become a published author who writes books and blogs about addiction. I never knew I’d be happily married to a man I adore or that we’d travel the world living beyond our wildest dreams. The promises of recovery do come true. My biggest gift has been developing a healthy relationship with myself and my family. I love that I don’t hurt them, or me, anymore. My children have grown up to be amazing adults. They’re strong young warriors and have overcome the obstacles of their upbringing.
Recovering from addiction isn’t a fairy tale. It’s not somebody else’s story, it’s yours. You hold the pen. Only you can write the page. If you’re thinking about getting clean, but you’re scared, don’t worry. I was terrified. I didn’t even want to get well. It happened in spite of me. If I can recover, so can you. The only thing worse than living one more day in addiction is living two more days, you can do this!