Don’t be a Victim
Alcoholism and any kind of substance use or mental health disorder come most of the times with a huge burden of guilt and shame. Many people might not be aware that there is a difference, but in a few words it can be summarized as guilt, “I did something bad,” and shame, “I am bad.” I myself carried a truckload of this on my shoulders as I entered recovery. Every glass that I guided to my lips gave me guilt, and every time I failed to stop I blamed myself in shame. The more guilt and shame there is in someone’s life, who struggles with any kind of addiction, the more it leads to the only coping mechanism the person knows, which is to use, drink, or engage in his addiction. The vicious cycle is closed and there is seemingly no way out.
Being in this hopeless stage and somehow unable to deal with these emotions of shame and guilt, I often entered the place of victimhood. It is kind of a momentary short-term relief to be able to blame others for my shortcomings. If I’m the victim, I’m not guilty of anything, easy as that. But as a victim I can’t find a way out. I did blame my doctors for my addiction and alcoholism, because they were unable to “fix my health problem.” I expect a magic pill when I see a practitioner, don’t you? He always has something for my allergies, for my upset stomach, for my flu, or my high cholesterol. How can it be that he can’t fix my addiction problem? He is guilty that I suffer and therefore I can sit guilt-free in isolation at home and have a drink, a perfect solution for my twisted alcoholic mind.
Being a victim is just the problem that I can’t grow out of it until I admit that it’s not the doctor’s fault that I suffer, not my parent’s either, not society’s fault, not God’s fault, or whoever might be on my list at times. I have to admit, that it’s my own responsibility to break out of this cycle and do something pro-active about my disease in order to grow. Yes, you are right if you might think that it’s not the addict’s fault either, since it’s a disease. At least that might be appropriate in some cases, but the fact is that I’m the only one able to do something about it. Victims don’t fight and recovery is a battle at first. It’s a battle so worth engaging in and I wish more people would give it at least a try. Nobody said it’s easy, but all who make it out say it’s so worth it. If you feel a victim, please come out of this devastating stage of being a victim and enter a world of people that are ready to swim against the current. Treatment helps so many people who finally try. What I needed was not all that empathy and understanding for my poor situation, I needed a kick in the behind to get out of my victimhood and isolated paralysis. I was more a being than a human being, while today I’m more a “human doing” instead of a human being.
Now there are real victims in life. They suffer from crimes, PTSD, violence and all kinds of tragedies. I’m not talking about situations where there is a real perpetrator, I’m talking just about the people like me, who just decided that blaming others is easier than letting go and living in the solution. Those real victims have a lot of work to do to manage getting out of shame and guilt and all other bad feelings that come with such events. There are specialists available helping you, please reach out for them. As with any information you might need about help with a substance use disorder or a mental health problem, you can always call our Heroes in Recovery helpline 855-342-0869 and find out how to get help, where to go, what to expect, cost, coverage of your insurance, etc. We are happy to assist you in your efforts of overcoming your problems.
My treatment was accompanied with lots of tears. They were not tears of any physical pain, but emotional pain grieving the loss of my friends; alcohol and drugs. I was grieving coming out of victimhood and entering a world of responsibilities. These tears set me free and let me enter a universe of freedom and joy. I stopped blaming others and myself for what happened to me and just accepted it as is and looked into the future instead of looking back. Radical acceptance is one of the best things I have learned in my recovery.
If you have a loved one struggling with substances, please be aware of this wicked cycle of shame, guilt, and using. To stop blaming is one of the first things, which you can do to help someone out of the tragic and often fatal situation and into recovery. As a parent or spouse you are also welcome to contact us via the helpline and receive more information on how to help your loved one.
Please share with us your experience with guilt, shame and feeling the victim and how you overcame it. We would love to hear from you and you can help others who might relate to exact the same feelings and situation you went through. It is so easy and takes only a few minutes of your time. But these few minutes could help somebody to break out of the guilt and shame cycle and lean towards recovery. Please just click here and let us know how you handled it. Please write “victim” or “shame” on top, or my name, so I get it directly as you submit your experience, strength and hope for others.
We do recover.
Susanne Johnson