- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
submitted by Susanne Johnson
For most of my life I always felt like I was different than the people around me. I never really knew how different until I reached about 12-years old. I started to distance myself from everyone, including the only family that I knew, my mother. Everything and everyone annoyed me; all I wanted to do was be alone. Nothing made me happy. Gifts, food, my mom even got me a puppy and it didn’t make me happy! That’s when you know there’s something wrong. You can’t fix depression with wants; they’re not going to make you happy. When I reached 14-years old I was at my complete worst. My life was going through so much change I couldn’t handle it all. I lost all sense of reality. It was then I was determined to take my own life. I just wanted the pain to stop, and there was only one way for it to stop. After I tried to take my life, I was committed in what I like to call a rehab facility, but we all know that’s not what it was. To this day I’m ashamed that I tried to take my own life. Shortly after I was committed all types of doctors tried to tell me what was wrong with me, I’m sure you know how that goes. After a year in and out of “rehab” I was diagnosed (are you ready for this?) as bipolar disorder 1 and 2, schizoaffective disorder (which is borderline schizophrenia), multiple personalities disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). When I was given that diagnosis I thought that I was completely crazy. They put me on all these medicines that made me completely useless. After I got out of there is when things got worse for me. My mom had moved by that time and I had to surround myself with new people who didn’t understand me. I began to act out and surround myself with people who were wrong for me. At the time I didn’t care about school, family, friends, and least of all myself.
By the time I was 16-years old I was out of control. No one could really tell but my mother, because I lived with her. My manic episodes were getting more and more frequent and they would last for long period of times. Finally I saw a doctor who knows what he’s doing and he diagnosed me with bipolar disorder 1&2. The difference between the two is with bipolar 1 you experience more manic episodes, and with bipolar 2 you experience more depressive episodes. I experience both but the depression has been my biggest struggle. People have this misconception about how people with bipolar disorder are completely crazy and can’t function normally. I can function just as well as someone that is normal in the sense that I can drive a car, work, cook for myself, and take care of myself, etc. The things I have a difficult time doing that a normal person can do are holding down a job and keeping relationships and friendships active and healthy. Bipolar disorder is no laughing matter. It’s stopped me from doing a lot in my life. What normal teenagers get to experience when they’re young I didn’t, due to my illness. I missed out on true friendships, college, and family life. I have had many jobs over the years because of my inability to keep one. That has caused me to have to move many times. Relationships have been a huge struggle for me as I tend to fall for the wrong people. I have lost many friends over the years and don’t trust many people. Not many people understand me. I often get told when someone firsts meets me that I come off mean, this is because I am a very reserved person and will never be the type to go up to someone and keep talking. Over the years my depression has gotten worse. There have been many days that I would lay in bed and look at the ceiling. Due to the depression I have suffered addiction issues. When my first marriage ended I lost all control of myself, and that’s when my addiction issues were at its worse. For most of my life I had bad anxiety, but when that relationship ended my anxiety hit its worse.
Now at 26-years old my life isn’t where I want it to be, but I’m living and that’s all I want. For the past two years I have been with the love of my life and I feel very blessed. He makes me want to be a better person, he’s my rock. Every day is still a daily struggle for me. Leaving my apartment most days is a challenge, I still have a difficult time around people. The sounds when I go somewhere are very loud and I get a lot anxiety driving. Keeping employment has been a struggle. I’ve had multiple jobs in my short lifetime. My doctor told me I will have to be on medication (lithium) for the rest of my life. There is no cure for depression once you have it, it’s with you forever. The only thing you can do is to keep fighting it and, most importantly, never give in to it. Mental Illness is always with you once you have it, but I promise you it gets better. It may not seem like that now, but we’re put through obstacles in our life for a reason. In the end it makes us stronger. Keep up the fight and spread awareness for mental illness.
Don’t ever give up.