Redemption Songs
I do a lot of blogging about my daughter Dara. Celebrating four years clean and sober earlier this month; she’s a pretty classic example of how Twelve Step programs work. She does talk the recovery talk but she also walks the walk. She does the work, she does it by the book and it works for her. To say that I’m proud of the woman she has become would be an incredible understatement.
I don’t write as much about my son. This isn’t because I’m not proud of what he’s done, because to say that I’m not proud of the man he has become would be an incredible injustice. I am proud of him, not because he walks the traditional recovery walk but because he walks his own walk with his head held high. With almost two years clean my son James is living the dream. Not my dream for him necessarily, but his own dream to make a living doing what he loves most.
My son makes music. That’s no big surprise to anyone who knows him, because he’s been making music for a very long time. He was just one of those kids who picked up a guitar one day and never put it down. He studied theory and classical music and progressed so rapidly that most of the adults around him who were musically inclined started making plans for his future. We all marveled at the way he could move from genre to genre so seamlessly. We couldn’t quite agree on where he would land but it wasn’t hard to picture him making it big someday. I admit I had my fears. Long before addiction came into our house I was wary of the challenges he might face to stay healthy and grounded in the music business. I did have big dreams for him, but there was always a part of me that secretly hoped he would find something else that he loved. Something safe. For me it was always about keeping him safe.
As it turns out it wasn’t a career in music or even the music culture that led to my son’s addiction. Oddly enough the guitars piled up in corners and collected dust as the drug culture left no room for anything else. No room for school. No room for family or anything else that he loved and that included making music. Eventually it just turned into something that was blaring in the background as the world was passing by.
After rehab James tried to find his way in Twelve Step Fellowships. I do believe he found value in rehab and in the working of the Steps but he never really embraced the traditional path to recovery. There is no doubt that his relationship with a Higher Power was ultimately what saved him, but it came to him in a way that I wouldn’t have expected. After several attempts to party like a “normal person” and a few devastating relapses James went back to music – and I was terrified this time. He didn’t join a Christian band or even a rock band, this time he went to something called Hardstyle. Now if you don’t know what that is I’ll just fill in the blanks very simply by telling you it is pretty dark. I honestly found it a little frightening until he started to explain some of the back story behind what he was writing. It’s a series of songs that tells a very disturbing tale of a world overtaken by a horde of zombies. Their numbers grow exponentially as they follow their “master” into the deepest of hells, swallowing up the innocent in their wake, giving up their very souls in the process. Not very uplifting is it? Well it’s really not supposed to be. He assures me that there will be a redemption song, but that it will take some time to get there.
It’s a true story. Sometimes it does feel like there is an evil darkness sweeping the planet. My son’s zombies are lost in their addiction, blindly following the horde. That’s serious. It’s a really big problem and redemption on that scale doesn’t usually come quickly or easily. I get that, but I can’t help asking him when we’ll get to the happy part. He tells me to be patient. He tells me that the creative process, the fellowship with this crew of artists and the mission to prove that it can all be done sober is part of how he’s walking his recovery walk. I’ve got to believe him. It’s working. Now don’t get me wrong they aren’t a scary group of guys, the whole thing is a little tongue in cheek and it seems like everyone involved is having way too much fun. They’re actually producing songs that are being played in front of large groups of people, traveling to other countries to meet heavy weights in the business and making their way to the top of the charts in their genre. I would say that they’re doing all of this without anything mind altering, but I happen to know that music IS mind altering. I also know that music can heal. My son isn’t just recovering, he’s thriving, fully alive and doing what he loves. I don’t have to understand everything about his music or where that path might lead to know that I am so very proud of the man he is today. Every once in a while I ask him again when that happy song is coming. He smiles and tells me to be patient, and he reminds me that even the darkest of melodies and stories can lead to redemption.
You can help BREAK THE STIGMA by sharing your story directly with Heroes in Recovery and letting them know that Marta sent you. OR you can contact me through email marta@heroesinrecovery.com with your information and I can help you through the process.