- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
I started using drugs at a young age. I went from drinking and smoking pot to smoking crack in just a short few years. When I was 16, I got pregnant and had to stop using drugs. I decided not to start smoking crack again after my daughter was born and wouldn’t pick it back up for another eight years.
After my second daughter, I was introduced to pills. Any type of pain pill I could get ahold of, I was in love. I could care for my kids, no one noticed, and I hid it well for many years. At one point, in 2003, my boyfriend died in my arms. I was only 19 and I was scared. I put away the drugs for a while.
Several months later I met my youngest daughter’s father, soon after I was pregnant he became very abusive. One day I woke up and he was gone. I packed up the girls and we left. He didn’t find me for a while, but soon enough he did and we had to go to a women’s shelter to stay safe.
For three years I was sober. Despite the death of my boyfriend and the abuse from my ex, I was able to stay clean and go to college and try to become something. After the shelter the girls and I found a beautiful home. Things were going great. I was finally happy.
I remember this day like it was yesterday because it was the end of my happiness as I knew it and I have never found it since. One day my back was hurting pretty bad. I had back problems, but I just dealt with it. I had a script of Percocet pills, I believe from the hospital after having my baby. I never used them. So I took two and washed them down and as that feeling came back I remembered. I remembered everything. Everything I was forgetting all those years, everything I didn’t want to remember– all the pain from my childhood to right then and there come flooding back. I lost that girl I was and she has never came back. I had destroyed my life over one bottle of painkillers. A few weeks later as luck would have it; I met this man that would eventually be my worst nightmare and my ex-husband.
Within two months I was back to doing pills and smoking crack daily. My life had changed in a matter of days. For the next 6 years I struggled with addiction every day. He became abusive as well. He never hit me, but he destroyed all self-worth I had inside of me. By the time he was done I had become a person that I feared becoming the most. (I am not saying I’m innocent in all of this. We all know there are two sides to every story and I have made a lot of bad decisions all by myself. I am not trying to play the victim role.)
Sometime after the 6 years I had become incarcerated for 60 days. During that time I lost my youngest daughter, and if I were living right I could have fought, but by the time I got out there were allegations that he was hurting her. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. I failed my child. I have never gotten her back since. It was only last year that I saw her for the first time in years.
What has my life become. I never fully recovered from that. I started shooting heroin to drown the pain. At last this man finally had me completely broken down. I was worthless to my other two children and struggled to even get out of bed.
A couple more years went by. I was in and out of rehabs trying to get better for my other two children and in hopes one day I’d get to see my baby again. Then I got back with my ex and started using yet again. I lost custody of my other children and then life was just too unbearable. I had no reason to live anymore, but had no one to blame but myself.
Addiction has tormented so many people in this world. This disease affects so many. I have been suffering from addiction all my life and heroin addiction for several years. I have faced so much. Addiction destroyed everything good in my life. It took my children. I was an unfit mother. I neglected them and only cared about getting high. I stole from anyone, even the people that loved me. I had no remorse. I didn’t care. Heroin took my soul. I was in and out of jail for numerous reasons. I was never free. Drugs controlled every part of me. I began living in situations that any normal person would know that isn’t living, but merely existing. The experiences I exposed myself to and the things I had to do just to survive another day. It’s horrible to even think about and to know that was my life makes it so surreal.
Throughout those years I tried many times to get help. I tried out-patients, groups, replacement therapy, and even, most recently, inpatient. Nothing seemed to help long-term. I couldn’t shake my addictions. However, today I am 3 days shy of five months sober. Even though it’s still just a short period of time, I am very hopeful that this is it. I have my older two children with me now and I am trying to mend all the pain that we have had in our lives. And I know one day I will get to see my youngest. I have hope!
I must be ready to face any stigmas that may come my way. So I am taking things slowly, dealing with stigmas and discrimination, one issue at a time. I can’t allow myself to become overwhelmed. I have internalized the stigmas and the hate it carries is transformed into shame, self-loathing, guilt, disgrace, and failure. I have come to believe it’s my fault. I hid my addiction for so long because seeking help has done nothing but hurt me on so many levels.
There are many people that I have encountered who have their own stereotypes about me as an addict, doctors for example. It took me some searching, but I have finally found a family doctor that doesn’t look down on me. He even trusts me to make my own decisions on what’s best for my recovery and listens. I asked him the other day, “Why is it so hard to get a doctor to believe I’m trying to be successful in my recovery?” He said it’s hard for some doctors to see, but with him he looks at all the evidence in front of him. Which is me. How do I look, act, and am I truly just wanting help or am I seeking drugs? We need more doctors like him; the doctors before I met him dismissed my words as though I didn’t matter. They didn’t listen to my concerns about my recovery. There was an unspoken discrimination that they carried.
Now with the law system, as soon as my name is mentioned or looked up, my past history pops up, to haunt me yet again. Police officers think that addicts can’t change (at least most of the police officers I’ve had run-ins with). The jails treat us like crap and leave us on the floor so sick, laughing at the girls who have seizures, puking everywhere because they are detoxing off of drugs. The judges sentence us to the jails where we get no help from being an addict, but get demoralized and treated like animals that don’t deserve to be human. It is the worst experience I’ve ever had in my life. I slept on the floor for days, not allowed to shower or even have a blanket. Why? Because I have a disease and needed help?
I had a bunkie (roommate) once who was coming off drugs. Well, she had a seizure, and wasn’t the first girl I’ve seen have one, but it took medical 20 minutes to get to her and the guards laughed and said she did this to herself. Then when they brought her back, she asked “What if I have another one and I almost die?” They told her “Well, I hope you have a good bunkie.” I was stunned when I heard that over our intercom.
On a separate occasion, this was the first time I was ever in any trouble. It was 2008 and I got pulled over. This officer knew my husband so I was associated with drug addicts. While he searched my car he could only find seeds and stems, but it was enough for him to give me a DUI and he took my three-year-old daughter from me. She had peed all over herself because she was terrified. This cop only did that to me because he wanted to get my husband at the time. From that point forward everything I thought that was good and protecting about the law and its players was stripped away. I never trusted them again. There is no justice in or out of the court room; only discrimination, deceit, and stereotyping.
On many accounts I was a victim of stigma. Don’t get me wrong, there were times I did break the law and I paid for those times. I don’t blame anyone for the choices I made, but I do blame the system for throwing my children and me to the wolves and never really helping us, just leaving us as another statistic. People often believe addiction is a character flaw or weakness in a person. They think the addicts should get over it. There are so many factors on why we continue to use drugs despite the negative consequences. However addiction can be treated. It’s a disease and with the appropriate medical services we can overcome it. People really don’t understand this drug is so powerful, so demanding that it is strips us of our sense of self. It is more powerful than self-respect, fear, pride, and love for our children, family, or friends.
The other hard reality I faced with the stigmas of addiction was abuse. I mean there must be some awful reason why people like me start using right? Do you think I woke up one day and said I’m going to be a heroin addict? Addiction has ruined my life and I will be picking up the pieces of my shattered life for years to come. I just hope one day others will see that we are no different.
I know I’ve been a victim of abuse more than I’d like to admit. As a child I was abused, doesn’t really matter how or who; but I was affected. It took me years to realize I love to self-medicate. It’s not the high I’m searching for, but the washing away of my pain. However I have come a long way from the scared little girl I once was, but not before I had to face many more men and their abuse and the stigmas that I was stamped with addiction. Men have prayed on this lost girl only searching for someone to help heal her pain, but instead fed on that pain and controlled me only giving me less hope and more drug abuse. Really no need to go into details, but those men stigmatized me and felt as though I was a pawn in their games to throw away and destroy whenever they wanted.
It wasn’t until recently I realized how much control they had on my drug addiction and my recovery. Forty-eight percent of users are depressed and use to self-medicate. Chances of recovery are slim unless we seek counseling. Counseling has saved my life, without it I’d still be the same Jessica who was afraid to change. I believe I wouldn’t have lasted this long without it. I’m also on replacement therapy which has given me a chance to work through my problems without worrying about having cravings when I have a bad day.
Lastly the stigmas I face are around me within the people I love. First, people think I must know every addict in my area. Sometimes the way I keep my addiction on my surface because I don’t to forget where I came from, people assume it’s because I want to go back there. Also I feel I’m always defending myself and my past. Sometimes I fear that even those I love will only ever see me as an addict. They worry that if I go out I might be tempted and use. If I have a bad day, I may use. If I talk to someone that I knew, I may use. Everything about my life is still haunted by my addictions. I’m always defending myself and my recovery. This may never change and I must be ready to face whatever comes my way.
I know in the future I have more stigmas to face. For one, getting a job, seeing as they will not only run a criminal record, but will also do a credit check nowadays. As I said, I have to take things slowly this time. Being impatient, getting overwhelmed, and being let down would be detrimental to my recovery.
This time around I have been blessed with people that are truly helping me make the right choices so I get better and stay better. I have this overwhelming feeling that this is it. I will succeed. If I just take every day and only move forward, never looking at my past mistakes. I know I can overcome anything and my children and I will have an amazing life again and I can stay sober as long as I work hard, no matter what stigma or statistic that may be against me.