- Drugs
- Faith
- Mental Health
When I started using drugs, it tore my family apart and destroyed many close friendships I once cherished. My younger brother, mother and, in time, father all lost hope in me. I would try to contact friends or family, and they’d sort of shrug me off. I didn’t like me either. My diseased way of thinking twisted this, and the monkey on my back had me shun everyone in response, including my younger brother. The police came on multiple occasions, and I was going to lose my apartment and my freedom. The disease of addiction said, “It’s so much easier to give up.”
I went insane, paranoid, out of my mind. My mind and soul were lost. People I once trusted would scream, “Wake up!” repeatedly because I’d be off talking to the voices I swore were real. I’d wedge the door lock and barricade my front door. When I think back, I can’t even remember half the things I did. I hurt so many people, friends and family. This made me too distressed to focus on using, and that caused damage to my body.
The last person to still tolerate me was my younger brother, but I crossed the line by saying I’d improve and then not doing so. I’d buy $200-worth of drugs and think I was “pacing” myself when taking $50-worth per IV use. My brother told me how sickly I was, and one day said he couldn’t look at me anymore, that I was a monster, and that he wanted his sister back. He said if I wanted to die, I could do it alone. It hurt him to see me fail to be the big sister I once was. He had unfairly become the big brother.
I looked at our childhood photos from when we were seven and at Disney World, and I cried. That’s when I started changing my life. I couldn’t lose him. I once promised him we’d always have each other. We were both adopted and had young mothers who used drugs and liquor. I got caught by that family history, but my brother got off free. He’s the smartest person I know! Our similarities make our brother-and-sister bond closer, and one day all we will have is us!
I realized if I gave up on myself, I was giving up on my brother as well. This tore me up. I tried to get clean and slipped up several times. I failed rehab twice as I couldn’t make it 24 hours in detox or in any program. However once my family said they saw me trying again, I managed to pull through all on my own. I’ve now gone nearly one month clean, no slip-ups, and just in time for my brother’s birthday. I thought it was an amazing gift idea to give him his sister back!
The lift is never worth the loss it brings. It’s really not! Meth will take your soul and your happiness. It’s hard to get back, but I have to hold on because despite what the others have said, how they’ve said I’d stay the same forever, I turned around put a cast on my broken self-esteem, confidence and heart. They were wrong, because I’ve made it! I once told myself I’d never sleep unless I was laid in a coffin, and now I sleep with a smile on my face as I’m free from the monster who once lived inside me.
I am in recovery, and it’s hard, but it comes with real happiness. The monkey on your back will keep chattering, but the more I pushed and didn’t listen, the brighter my days became. The weight and depression subsided, and I became more at ease with who I am. I am more proud of me than anyone!
Don’t give up. Never give up. The strongest make it out alive! I believe in you.