The Alcoholic/Addict Housewife
Many people believe they have no contact with drug or alcohol abusers or addicts. They see functioning families, children managing school, people socializing in churches and at luncheons and others helping with charity opportunities. They see the smiles for the world, but the truth is that behind those smiling facades are a large number of people that have mastered hiding their problems with substances.
According to studies and my own experience, women are the majority of these hidden alcoholics and addicts. I was one of them. Close friends knew, but many people were surprised to find out about my problems when I went to treatment. I was wondering how to hide the true reason I was leaving for six weeks, but then I decided to surrender and tell the real reason for my “vacation.” Addicts are not just somebody dirty sleeping under the bridge. A majority of alcoholic and addicted women live a normal life with the single family home and the white picket fence.
My mother drank, and I did too. Our genes play a significant part in how we evolve in our life. Outside factors play a role for most of us women as well, and our physical composition means we can’t handle as much as men do. While men often go public with their ability to drink and don’t have to fear stigma, it is still not socially acceptable for women to drink excessive amounts. This leads them to hide it instead of doing it in public. Once you start hiding it, you lose any ambition to keep it on an acceptable level or within an acceptable time frame. It is always five o’clock somewhere, and it often becomes better to drink in the mornings when your husband and children are off to work or school, and you have the home to yourself. Nobody is going to see what you are doing. In the evening we again become loving wives and mothers, doing what is expected.
A lot of women are overwhelmed by life, household chores and children. On certain days it is not possible to handle all life demands from a mother and housewife, and trying to keep up can lead to depression or sleep disorders. A “quick fix” from a doctor helps hide the symptoms, but too often it leads to addiction. We housewives are human, and we can’t be perfect. Those pills sure don’t clean our floors, but they let us not care about it.
We like to be perfect when it comes to leading the household, or we don’t feel perfect but are expected to be flawless by others. We can’t do everything right, but we worry what the neighbors think when the kids destroy their flowerbeds. We wonder what our mother-in-law thinks about us, and we worry what our husbands will say about how much we spent on food or the kids this month.
These are just a few reasons why lots of women are at home secretly doing drugs or drinking alcohol. The list of reasons is endless and personal. It is not easy to be “Wonder Woman” or to not be recognized for what you do. We work ten different jobs at times, never get a paycheck and then husbands may give us trouble for buying a pair of shoes. Hand me a drink!
By the time I started hiding my drinking and drinking during the day, things went downhill fast. Instead of getting my housework done better, the place was less clean every day. I was happier for a while, because I didn’t care about it, but soon the opposite feeling set in. Drinking led to more drinks every day. My favorite word became “tomorrow.” I got more and more depressed, because I simply got nothing done anymore. Before my house wasn’t perfect, but it became a disaster. It took major effort and a major number of drinks to hide my bad feelings. By the time I wanted to change something, the addiction and physical dependency had taken over. I couldn’t stop, and alcohol affected my health so much that small acts became major chores. If you are an alcoholic like me, mowing the lawn in the heat of summer is almost impossible. I needed frequent stops which lead to frequent drinks, and pretty soon the energy I had to start the project was gone. At the same time, I went to social events or to church with a smile on my face. I tried to drink after church and hide the smell of alcohol with lots of cough drops. I would skip events so I could stay home with my bottle of vodka.
When you have a drinking problem, a husband, close family member or friend may recognize it and start asking about your alcohol consumption, but they have no evidence or proof. Empty bottles will be discarded discreetly at gas stations or in public parking lots. They find their way into neighbors’ trash bins the night the bins are emptied. Alcohol gets cheaper and cheaper in price and taste, so there is not such an obvious loss of money. You start on the top shelf with the high-class liquor and end up near the floor with the half-gallon plastic bottles. If you have kids, they have to take the bus to school now and be more “independent,” because trips to school by car interfere with your drinking time. Friends are asked to call before stopping by, and you drink your booze from coffee mugs if somebody does show up unexpectedly. You can always have a coffee mug nearby if you are a hard-working housewife on duty!
When my husband asked about my drinking, he was caring and worrying about me, but all I did was get angry at him for asking. I start buying alcohol at different liquor stores in different areas so nobody would recognize me. My husband ate more spaghetti than ever, because it did not take much time or effort, and I had other things to do during the day like drinking and sleeping. Spaghetti was also good for the budget and left a couple extra dollars each day for important investments in beer, wine and liquor. When invited out for lunch, I used to avoid meeting friends by saying I was in the middle of laundry or something of that nature. I would have loved to see my friends, but I couldn’t drive at that moment. As a drunk housewife, I had to do my grocery shopping whenever I was sober enough to drive to town. That usually only happened in the mornings and sometimes at 4am. If asked about that strange behavior, I simply said, “I love it when the store is empty!”
Ever notice somebody or yourself drunk under the Christmas tree? Drunk at funerals? Drunk visiting a friend at the hospital? Repeatedly drunk while driving? This person might need help and have a serious problem. Don’t look away. Be there when needed.
Alcoholic housewives need a hiding place for pills and bottles. We think about a place where nobody else in the family would ever go. I had plenty of places in my home, since it was big, and I had no kids. I have heard that other women hide their bottles in toilet tanks, in flower vases or in boxes with Christmas decorations. They hide their pills in A/C ducts, socks, yoga equipment or toothpaste boxes. If a housewife doesn’t want you to find something, you won’t! If you do find it, it may be a cry for help. I was hiding my stuff so well that I found hidden bottles a year after I was sober. In my drunken creativity, I found hiding places so good I couldn’t even remember them myself.
Alcoholic housewives don’t get too close to others, or we move our heads away when talking. We are afraid that you will smell the alcohol on our breath. We like to meet outdoors, and you are more likely to find us at outdoor barbecues than at the movies. We need frequent trips to the car or the bathroom to refill our drink. We bring our own drinks. You think I drink the orange juice I brought because it’s my favorite? You can’t see the vodka mixed in.
Is that a life? No! I see the total insanity of my previous life. If you spend your time focused on your alcoholism and addiction, worrying where and when to get more, where to hide it and searching for it, you have no life. You have alcoholism. You have an addiction, a serious, fatal disease.
Am I trying to “out” the alcoholic or embarrass the drinking housewife? No! These women need help, and you can be the one to notice the problem and offer support. The women I am talking about may be your neighbors, your friends at church, mothers of your kids’ friends or your coworkers. An alcoholic can be your sister or your mother. Do not talk about her; speak to her. Yes, she will be embarrassed if you confront her about her behavior, but it is better to care for somebody’s life more than for somebody’s feelings. Too many die because of this disease. People have died because nobody wanted to be involved and because they turned their heads away when noticing the signs of a problem. If you would have asked me to talk about my drinking, I would I have said, “Mind your own business,” but each time somebody says something, we get a little closer to doing something.
Whatever you do, do it with love. Alcoholism and addiction are diseases. It is not the person’s fault, so don’t treat her like she did something wrong. Do not blame or shame. Offer help and support. Offer your friendship. During alcoholism or addiction many people feel depressed, abandoned, lonely and suicidal. Help and solutions are needed. Guilt is not. I wanted to become sober by myself, but I needed support from the people around me. If you are the one that ignites an intervention, you may be the “bad guy” for a while, but in the end you are the one who saves the person’s life. Nobody could make me get sober, but each time someone talked to me, a little seed was watered. I finally made the right choice and reached out for help. I was surprised how many people told me, “I’m proud of you.”
When seriously thinking about changing the situation and going to treatment, we women face additional obstacles such as, “Who is caring for the children when I’m gone?” I was even worried that my husband would have to cook for himself even though he was willing and able. A friend, a sister or a mother can help manage the daily routine and ensure a normal life at home while a woman is gone for treatment. She can concentrate on getting sober and focus on a new life in recovery. Some facilities even allow mothers to bring children, or outpatient treatment is always an option if no other arrangements can be made.
Over 20 million people in the United States need help for substance abuse and don’t get it. Some of them are these hidden housewives. These women may be aware of their problem but do not see any way out of it. I was simply too scared of living without alcohol and drugs to ask for help. If I had known how rewarding my life in sobriety would become, I might have asked for help earlier. I was hiding in my bottle. I knew I couldn’t live with the next drink, but I couldn’t live without it either. Help the person near you help herself.
I do not want to exclude working ladies from this article. I only mention the housewife to highlight that it is so often the quiet and isolated person that needs help from outside. If you feel you are this housewife, please do not hesitate to reach out for help. Ladies, we are strong, but we don’t have to manage this problem alone. Help is available in many forms. I promise you a better life to come if you give recovery a chance. We are important. There are many ways to find an active, healthy and sober lifestyle. You can contact me here or on FaceBook if you need help for yourself or a loved one. Don’t be afraid to help save your or another’s life. It’s worth it!