Parents Need Recovery Too
When someone first suspects their child has an addiction problem, it can be a very unsettling experience. People often think things like, “Maybe I’m overreacting” or “Maybe this is just a phase.” They tend to try to convince themselves that the problem doesn’t exist. After all, denial is a normal response.
But in most cases, deep down inside people know there’s a problem. Once the denial phase passes, and they realize their loved one does indeed have an addiction issue, panic sets in and the thought process changes. “How can this be happening to me?!” “What did I do wrong?!” “How can I fix this?!”
As the parent of an addict, I can tell you that discovering your child is addicted to drugs can be, and usually is, a devastating and overwhelming experience. You are suddenly thrust into a situation you never expected to be in. You feel like you’re in a dream and all you want to do is help your child. You want to get them into treatment as soon as possible and do everything you can to help them recover.
As parents, our natural instinct is to care for our children, protect them from evil things, keep them out of harm’s way, and even fix them when they’re broken. Those are things that are deeply ingrained in our brains. But addiction is something a parent can’t fix. In Al-Anon, they talk about “The Three Cs: I didn’t cause it. I can’t cure it. I can’t control it.” Truer words were never spoken.
To get your child on the road to recovery, you have to turn them over to professionals. Trust me; there is no Fix Your Addict At Home or Curing Addiction for Dummies book out there.
So getting help for your child is definitely a top priority. You want them to start their recovery as soon as possible. But here’s the little secret a lot of new parents-of-addicts don’t know: Your recovery is just as important as your addict’s. In fact—and I know this might sound crazy—your recovery might be even more important.
When your child is abusing drugs or alcohol, it’s so incredibly easy to become addicted to their addiction. It can consume your every waking hour. In my case, it even haunted me when I slept in the form of horrible dreams about my son. I found myself preoccupied with my son’s addiction no matter where I was and it affected my relationships with people I love, my job, and my health. My son’s addiction was eating me alive.
It took me quite a while—a few years, in fact—to realize that I needed to take care of me. To quote David Sheff from his brilliant book Beautiful Boy: A Father’s Journey through His Son’s Addiction, “I finally chose life for myself.” And when I did? Everything in my world started to improve. Including my son.
Seeking recovery for myself was liberating. I started therapy; went to Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings; read self-help books; started eating better; and began exercising regularly. I didn’t stop caring about my son, but I started caring about me. I put my well-being first. After all, how could I be there for my son if I wasn’t even there for myself? My recovery program changed me. My relationships healed, my job performance improved, and I got healthier.
The wonderful new book Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change (by Jeffrey Foote, PhD; Carrie Wilkens, PhD; and Nicole Kosanke, PhD) describes the idea behind self-care nicely: “How can you accept your loved one until she stops doing what she’s doing? One way is to have your well-being not wholly depend on her, and by devoting energy to something outside of your concerns for her. When you take care of yourself, you build strength to both tolerate what you can’t change and change what you can. At the same time, as a calmer, happier person, you will be contributing to an atmosphere that is conducive to the change you hope to see in your loved one, and you will be modeling healthy behaviors you wish for in your loved one.”
If you’re new to the “My child is an addict” world, the whole concept of putting yourself first may be difficult to grasp. That’s okay. I was skeptical, too. Like I said earlier, it took me years to buy into it. But when I finally did, my life completely changed. It was no longer hell on earth. And it wasn’t just tolerable; I actually started to enjoy my life again, despite my son’s addiction.
My hope is that sharing my experience will allow you to arrive at a comfortable place a little faster than I did. Parents need recovery, too, because reducing our own suffering helps everyone involved. Including the addict.