Coming to Terms with Myself
Growing up I was always a chubby kid. I was teased and called names like most children who struggled with weight problems. When I hit puberty, I got tired of the ridicule and started exercising and limited my food intake. I chose to take the unhealthy route and became compulsive about my intake of calories and exercise regimen. By my junior year in high school I was a mere 103 pounds and very proud of my accomplishment! I got attention from others and that was a great motivator. My parents took me to a physician who told them to make me eat one milkshake a day. Of course, this was 1980 and I remember my doctor telling my concerned parents that males do not suffer from anorexia or bulimia. I did gain some weight and managed to keep my weight to a healthy level, but the compulsion of calories and fat always was buried deep in my psyche.
During my active addiction my weakness was alcohol. Empty calories. As my consumption of alcohol increased, what little food I did eat decreased. I never wanted to go back to being that chubby little kid that had to buy his clothes in the husky department. Years later, at the age of 44, I found myself losing weight at an alarming rate and eating anything I could get my hands on. I made a doctor’s appointment to find out what was going on with my body. On my 45th birthday, I was diagnosed as a Type 1 diabetic. The doctor was puzzled and not sure why this happened at my age. Why should he? I had been lying to every physician I had seen through the years about my drinking history and drug intake. It was when I was in treatment, five years later, that I discovered that years of alcohol abuse had destroyed my pancreas. On that day, my 45th birthday, my life changed and my insane alcoholic thinking took over.
Diabetics have to adhere to a strict diet. Low carbs! Everything I loved to eat and especially drink at that time were high in carbs! Just my luck! During the last couple years of my addiction, my diet consisted of a diet soda for breakfast, one small Lunchable for lunch, and alcohol for dinner. My alcoholic mind knew I was limited to a certain amount of carbs per day. So that insanity part of the addiction disease made it seem only reasonable to save those carbs for my drinking. Looking back now, I can see the absurdity in what I thought was a fool proof plan. During the last month of my addiction, all of my food intake was very sporadic and the alcohol intake continued to increase. My blood sugar levels reached dangerously high levels until I was hospitalized with Diabetic Ketoacidosis. That next week I was on my way to inpatient treatment.
During treatment, I received counseling about my food and weight issues. I also went to a treatment facility where the food was amazing. Inpatient treatment gets you back into those good habits that addicts forget about when they are consumed with their own personal agendas. I got used to eating three meals a day. Also during treatment, I had appointments at a local diabetes clinic where I received education from a RN that specialized in diabetes education. They gave me insight on healthy choices for diabetics and how to correctly choose and calculate my carbohydrate intake. Throughout my recovery, I have been able to keep those good habits of eating three meals a day and providing the nourishment required for a more healthy way of life.
It has been almost two years since I became sober. My A1C level (average blood sugar level) has dropped from a 14.2 to a 7.4. I have gained approximately 40 pounds. I now eat three meals a day. Am I perfect? Absolutely not! As we learn in Alcoholics Anonymous, it is progress not perfection. I still cringe when my waist size increases or if I see a photo of myself, but who doesn’t? The important part is that I am taking an active role in becoming a healthy and stronger person on a daily basis. Being in recovery has helped me realize that and to finally accept those things that I cannot change. Those things are: I am going to be a diabetic for the rest of my life, I will always struggle with my weight and to stay fit, and I will never like a photo of myself! I can deal with those things as long as I am sober and healthy!
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Much love,
Bo