Don’t Be Afraid of Relapse
When you have a loved one in recovery, there’s one thing you can’t help but think about. If your loved one is relatively new to recovery, you’ll think about it more frequently; maybe several times a day and while you’re lying in bed at night trying to get to sleep. You may even wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. I know. I’ve been there.
If your loved one is in longer-term recovery, the thought doesn’t come into your head nearly as often. Amazingly, you can go days or weeks without thinking about it. But it still pops into your brain to visit every once in a while, just to let you know it’s still hanging around.
What is this “thing” that’s so powerful it thinks it can climb into your head and try to scare the hell out of you any time it pleases?
Relapse.
The fear of your loved one relapsing is a very real and natural one. After all, you’ve probably endured much chaos and disorder in your life because of your loved one’s addiction. Their recovery is something you’ve wished and hoped and prayed for, and when they finally do get clean and sober it’s an exhilarating feeling; so exhilarating that you don’t want it to end. Ever.
But I’m here to tell you: Relapse does happen.
As I write this blog, my son is coming up on 22 months of sobriety. This is after seven years or so of what seemed like a never-ending cycle of active addiction, temporary recovery, and relapse. I can’t even begin to count the number of times my son relapsed. But I do remember feeling very disappointed—even hurt—when he did. I couldn’t figure out why he would be clean for 30 or 60 or 89 days, only to go back to using drugs. It broke my heart.
I’ve had more than a few people in the addiction/recovery community tell me, “Relapse is part of recovery.” That’s a saying that gets tossed around quite a bit when people talk about the disease that is addiction, and early on in my journey I used to believe it. But I don’t anymore. I now believe that relapse is part of the disease.
The experienced and educated me views relapse as part of a learning process that will help lead the addict to recovery. For that reason, I no longer think relapse should be considered a failure. Instead of “Relapse is part of recovery,” I prefer the saying “Progress, not perfection.”
You should know that how you react to your loved one’s relapse can be a huge factor in how they rebound from it. In the Center for Motivation and Change’s terrific book Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, this is explained in a way that makes perfect sense:
“Recognizing that for most people change is more like learning to read than getting hit on the head with an apple, you’ll be less likely to blame a loved one for being ‘bad at it’ in the beginning or despair when he has bad days later on. . . . If we treat a stumble as a catastrophe or a sign that a person was not really serious about change, it’s not likely that she will keep trying. If we encourage her to learn from the experience and problem-solve how to do it differently next time, she will more likely try again.” The book goes on to say, “People typically try and err many times over before they get comfortable enough to call a new behavior ‘learned,’ and many more times after that before they would say they’ve ‘mastered’ it.” Wow. Those words really spoke to me.
The years I’ve spent living with my son’s addiction and recovery have been incredibly educational for me. I’ve absorbed so much information and have changed the way I think about so many things; including relapse. In the early days, when my son relapsed two things would happen: 1.) I would feel hurt and disappointed; and 2.) I would get angry at my son. I would actually yell at my son when he relapsed. I realize now just how stupid that was. My yelling at him likely made him want to use more, not less.
I like to think that if my son ever relapses again I’d be able to apply the things I’ve learned over the years and handle the situation in a completely different way than I did in the past. I’m pretty confident I’d be able to do that, even though I hope I never get the chance to find out.
Addicts can relapse after days, weeks, months, or even years of sobriety. The late actor Philip Seymour Hoffman is a perfect example. After 23 years of sobriety, he relapsed and died of a drug overdose. Yes, addiction can be a cruel beast. My advice to you, though, would be this: Don’t be afraid of relapse. Constantly worrying about something that may or may not happen is not healthy. If your loved one is in recovery, you should live in the moment—one day at a time—just like they are. And if they do relapse, don’t view it as a cataclysmic failure. Look at it as a learning experience. For both of you. Remember: Progress, not perfection.
Note: If you are in recovery, or if you have a loved one who is in recovery, please consider sharing your story on the Heroes in Recovery website. Real recovery begins with real people. And real stories. By sharing, you can help BREAK THE STIGMA.
You can share your story in one of two ways:
1.) Go to the Heroes in Recovery page, share your story directly, and let them know Dean sent you.
2.) Contact me on Facebook (Dean Dauphinais) and I can help you through the process. Or we can talk on the phone and I can help you write your story.
Also, please feel free to share this blog post or leave comments below. All feedback is appreciated.
Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith.
–Dean