Finding the Words
I wish someone had better prepared me for all of the goodbyes in recovery. It makes sense that anyone who is serious about healing can expect some big changes on the horizon but I didn’t realize how many there would be or how long the process would last. This extended season of breaking ties and letting go is not specific to the addict and the alcoholic and it most certainly is not something that is limited to abstaining from substances. For most people that initial decision to step back and admit unhealthy behavior is just the beginning of a long list of life altering events.
Now most of these changes are necessary and very positive. They say we have to find new playmates and playgrounds for good reason and most of us are willing. So the majority of those first few goodbyes will probably come by choice. As we start making healthy lifestyle adjustments we may find that some of those decisions are bittersweet. It might be hard to find the words and they might be hard to say but we realize that they are crucial to the healing process. Some of this may be outside of our control as people and circumstance dictate change in our lives, and some of those changes will be more painful than others. If recovering from any kind of substance abuse is a part of your journey you can most likely pinpoint at least a few relationships that had to change and some may have included difficult conversations and painful goodbyes.
For those of us who are in recovery for grief or trauma those painful events and separation from loved ones may have come without any notice, and definitely not by choice, without any opportunity for finding words of closure. For the friends and family of addicts and alcoholics difficult words about setting boundaries had to come from us whether we wanted to say them or not. For anyone suffering with mental or emotional issues finding the words to explain the fear of loss and change may be one of the greatest challenges of all. The details can vary widely but the feelings involved are so similar. Saying goodbye almost always hurts and finding the words for it doesn’t seem to get much easier with experience.
For me personally the most difficult of these experiences is grieving with families that are mourning the loss of a child. As a parent in the recovery community there is just nothing more terrifying or heartbreaking to me because it hits so close to home. I spent many sleepless nights trying to prepare myself for that most horrifying phone call. And while I am unbelievably grateful that my children are alive I am beyond sick of hearing about kids dying. It’s hard to find any meaningful words to comfort a family dealing with this kind of loss. At some point there’s nothing left to say and all you can do is mourn along with them.
My kids went to another funeral a few weeks ago. It was for a friend they met in transitional living. Someone who had always been willing to hang out and talk or give them rides to meetings in the early days of that first year. He was a funny, outgoing young man who had been in and out of sobriety for several years, but mostly he was in… struggling sometimes, but coming back and making a difference, wanting, trying to stay in… and still he didn’t make it. He relapsed, he overdosed and he died.
Just last week a friend of mine and the owner of the extremely popular Facebook page I Hate Heroin lost two of her sons on the same day. I can only imagine her pain. She has mourned with literally thousands of parents through social media and we all have grieved along with them. People across the country and around the world come together to support each other, to cry together and to share a message of hope… But there are times when that hope seems so fragile. For so many the nightmare of waiting for the phone call ends and the living hell of learning to live without loved ones begins.
Last night I sat in my living room alone, watching a follow-up interview that my daughter did for a documentary that she was in last year. I watched it with tears in my eyes the whole time. There were some tears of joy to be sure, but at the same time there was something that must resemble survivor guilt. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the friends my kids have lost, about my friend Vicki and her two sons, about all of the families that have been torn apart by addiction. And when it was over I sat there and cried for all those who still suffer.
We have lost, and continue to lose, way too many. It seems so obvious, it seems like we shouldn’t even have to say it but let’s get really clear. Heroin kills people. Drugs kill people. Alcohol kills people. Mental and emotional issues that go unaddressed kill people. Those aren’t words that society wants to hear but they cannot be ignored. We need to say something. We need to find words that inspire healing BEFORE someone else dies. We need to talk about it. We can’t stay quiet and pretend it’s not happening, because it’s happening all the time! I hate heroin so much that it literally hurts my head. I wish I never had to hear or say that word again as long as I live. But I will. I’m going to say it out loud, in the open, over and over again, in the hope that someone will hear me and never touch it for the first time. I’m going to say it with no shame and hope that someone hears and decides to put it down and never go back to it. The only good that can come from any loss is a reminder to stay strong. Hope may be fragile at first but it is where the healing has to start. Hold on to hope and let it grow. Have faith in the healing process and hold on to the Promises. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Don’t ever go back to it no matter what… Not ever.
Find the words to help someone in need and help BREAK THE STIGMA by sharing your story directly on the Heroes in Recovery page and letting them know that Marta sent you. OR you can contact me through email [marta@wellnessmeetings.com] with your information and I can help you through the process.