Resentments and Regrets Do Happen
In twelve step programs we learn that a resentment is the number one offender for us. It destroys more alcoholics and addicts than anything else. This can also be true for anyone. Resentments are serious robbers of our serenity. But what is a resentment exactly? Well it is the ill will stemming from a real or perceived feeling that you have been offended or wronged in some way. What’s funny is that most of us have resentments over little things that we let foster inside until they consume us becoming disproportionately larger than they should be. As I’ve heard it explained many times, not only from those in recovery, having a resentment is like me drinking the poison and expecting you to die. We all know that just can’t be possible. So why would someone want to hold on to a resentment? I think for many reasons, but one that comes to mind is that it’s a crutch. It’s an excuse to continue behaving as we have because someone wronged us and somehow that justifies everything. The problem is that when we do something out of feelings created by the resentment we end up having regrets. Now I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel. I have a resentment so I act out then regret what I’ve done. Now I have to drink or use to hide those feelings I don’t like. Someone stop the madness!!!
It took me a while to really get a grip on my resentments and be able to separate what was real vs. perceived. What was actually the truth versus what my interpretation was of the truth. It’s crazy how our brains can turn things around so quickly to suit our needs at the time. Part of getting clean and sober for me was to put to rest the old lingering resentments. Actually that process was easier than I thought. Painful, but it didn’t kill me. Once I decided I couldn’t carry all of that baggage I was more than happy to let go and let God. I remember an old timer in a twelve step meeting I attended asked me one night if I wanted to become bitter or better. At first I wasn’t sure what he meant, but the longer I stay in recovery the more his comment resonates with me. Thanks Tony J! I have a choice. We all have a choice to become bitter over something that was done to us or we can become better because of it. Today I choose the latter. As Queen Latifah said “I made decisions that I regret, and took them as learning experiences….I’m human, not perfect, like anybody else.” Amen to that!
So now that I let go of the old resentments I won’t have to worry about any new ones right? Not exactly. They are just a part of life for anyone. However when we hide behind our vices so we don’t have to deal with them we don’t learn good coping methods. In recovery we are given tools to help and we learn how to put them into practice. These are the same tools most “normal” people got while living and learning about life. To put this into perspective a little I’ll tell you about a huge resentment that came out of nowhere when I was about 4 ½ years clean. I had landed my dream job, but wasn’t told of everything that the organization was going through. Typical, right? There was one colleague that just got under my skin. She was very problematic for a lot of people in the organization and her behaviors were creating a negative environment impacting the undercurrent of the group. At first I let it go and brushed it off. The longer I had to deal with her the more I found myself caught up in some crazy thinking. She was in my head and she knew it! I couldn’t sit in a meeting with her without my blood pressure rising (plus a few other unmentionables). This resentment was starting to impact my work which I knew wasn’t good. The old saying is so true that we shouldn’t get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT) or we risk relapse. I’m not speaking exclusively about relapse relating to addiction either. We can all relapse into old behaviors or ways of thinking that are unhealthy for us as individuals. I was hungry for resolution, angry at her behaviors, lonely because I had completely let this consume me, and tired because my brain was working 24/7 to figure this out and fast!!
After many sleepless nights I knew I needed an answer for what was going on. How could she have such a hold on me? At about 3:00 am on one of those sleepless nights I decided to write down all of the characteristics about her that really bothered me. It was a LONG list too. Sometimes we can be good at pointing out what’s wrong with others as it keeps the heat off of ourselves J At the end of my writing exercise I condensed the list into 3 simple truths: she was a liar, a cheat, and a thief. The same three things I used to be when in my active addiction. Some of you may be thinking thief like I took physical items. It’s more about stealing my husband’s peace of mind, or stealing from our retirement, or lying to cover up my use, or cheating the doctor out of another prescription. When I got to those three basic things I quickly realized that I still had some deep seeded regrets over being that kind of person and I hated myself for it. I never resolved those regrets. Who knew??? I emailed my sponsor telling her all about my discovery and asking her “what in the hell do I do with this now?” I needed to face something I had been avoiding, but just didn’t know it yet. From that moment on I was able to see my colleague in a very different light. She was ‘sick’ so to speak in that she hadn’t realized some truths about herself. She wasn’t an alcoholic or addict, but had the same characteristics as someone sick from this disease. I prayed for her and for me and haven’t had a problem with her since. We’ve actually collaborated on a project which is kind of cool.
What a blessing to be able to resolve resentments and regrets without reaching for old vices. There are 2 elements that I strongly believe are key to resolution. The first is to identify my role in the resentment. As in the example I mentioned above this resentment was 100% created by me. She wasn’t out to get me. I was doing a great job on my own. Once we can identify our role in the process it becomes easier to resolve and let go. The second, and most important, is to forgive. Forgive the other person definitely, but also yourself. We owe ourselves that much. The weight then gets lifted and we feel free. I promise it will happen as it did for me. Today I like to think of forgiveness this way – “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong” per Mahatma Gandhi
Blessed beyond belief,
Margaret
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