Gratitude…
Gratitude is a very big word in sobriety. I really did not pay much attention to what I am grateful for before I got sober. I somehow thought that I deserved what I got because I worked hard for it. Other times, I thought that I wasn’t worthy of having it and felt guilty that I got it anyway.
Alcoholics are often also called “egomaniacs with an inferiority complex.” I want it all, I know it all, and I can do it all. But at the same time, I’m not good enough for anything. This special mixture in my brain makes gratitude a difficult task. I was told to write down everything that I’m grateful for and, at first, I ended up with material things on my list. Of course, I can be grateful for my car. But I worked for it, I paid for it, and I deserve it, so why would I be grateful?
During my first weeks and month in sobriety, I kept hearing people say that they were “grateful recovering alcoholics.” How can be anybody be grateful to be an alcoholic? I didn’t understand the word. I was definitely NOT grateful to be an alcoholic. I could not drink or do drugs anymore and I had to sit in those meetings and go to treatment. I did it because it saved my life, but I AM NOT GRATEFUL for it!
Later, this word gained another meaning for me. I am grateful to be recovering, but please let me now recover and let my life go on. It took a long time before I really understood it. I am grateful for other things, and slowly the answers came to me.
I am grateful today for the air that I breathe. Without my sobriety, I would be dead now and no longer be breathing. I sure am grateful for that! I am grateful today not to be celebrating Christmas in the hospital. During my drinking times, I often spent Christmas at the ICU, which was not very pleasant! I am grateful today for every person in my life. I notice and care about the people that cross my way. I am grateful for any influence that they have on me. There were times when I didn’t notice anyone or anything around me. I am grateful for the support I get from family, husband, friends, and meeting fellowship partners. There were times in my life when nobody wanted to help me, but they did anyway. Without this help, I would not be alive today.
I am grateful to have a Higher Power in my life. That was not always the case. Now, I have something to lean on and always have somebody who listens. I am happy and grateful to have food on the table and my health. I lived for 10 years in a third world country, Egypt in Africa. I saw how it is when people are starving. I’m grateful that I don’t have to starve or be homeless.
I saw people dying in the biggest leprosy colony in Africa of a disease that can be healed. But they still die there. I’m grateful to have doctors and hospitals.
Of course I am grateful for material things as well but I don’t take them for granted anymore. Without being sober, I would not have them anymore. I am grateful to have a driver’s license. Unlike many alcoholics, I did not lose mine, so that is a reason to be grateful.
I’m grateful for my creativity and my personality and that I can read my own handwriting today (that wasn’t always the case for me, depending on time of day and emptiness of the bottle). I am grateful that I can go to sleep today instead of passing out. What a difference that makes!
This list could go on and on. There are days in life for each of us when life is not going the way we like it. On these days, we may like to throw something against the wall and shout about how bad everything is. These are the moments when I like to sit down and write a gratitude list. Have you tried it before? If you see how many wonderful things are in your life, you can be grateful for them and the problems become smaller and smaller. If you think you are in a bad situation, please always remember: nothing bad in life can be made better by drinking!
I am grateful that I am able to type and have you read this. I hope you have a day filled with gratitude today. Gratitude is my new found gift that helps improve my life quality and my spirit. I can be grateful for good things that happen to you, not only what happens to me. With this thought, I wrote this little article and hope that good things will happen to you when you start your new life. I thank my Higher Power tonight for this second life he gave me and the gratitude that I experience now. My sobriety is my highest gift. Without it, I would have nothing. Please have an attitude of gratitude!
I look gratefully back on 2012 and already have gratitude for all the things that I will experience in 2013. But most importantly, I am grateful for today!