Parent Collaboration: A Key to Dealing with an Addicted Child
For a lot of couples, compromise is seen as one of the key factors in a successful marriage. A couple doesn’t necessarily have to agree on every little thing. There’s give and take on both sides and “battles”—for lack of a better word—should be picked carefully.
But there is one instance when a couple needs to put aside their differences and do whatever is necessary to be on the same page with each other: When their child is battling addiction.
My older son is in long-term recovery from addiction and has been clean and sober for more than two years. It took time, though, for him to get to where he is today. His addiction started nearly ten years ago, and my wife and I struggled for quite some time trying to figure out just what we should and shouldn’t do to help our son.
When you first discover your child is addicted to drugs, it’s like waking up from a nightmare; only the nightmare doesn’t stop. You try to think rationally, but the gravity of the situation often times makes you do irrational things. You work hard and do your best, learning by trial and error.
This scenario would be difficult enough for one person to deal with. But things become much more complicated when another person—the spouse—is also in the mix. Now there are TWO people involved, both trying to figure things out and think rationally. And very often, parents of addicted children do not think the same way. The fact that your child is addicted is bad enough; but when the communication between the parents breaks down, things can get exponentially worse.
Early on in my son’s addiction, my wife and I were both trying so hard to do our best to help him. But we were acting as two independent people much of the time because our thinking was different. We weren’t consciously trying to work against each other; we were both overwhelmed by this new crisis, and that didn’t make it easy for us to think about working together and presenting a united front to our son.
Too often my wife and I would end up in a “good cop/bad cop” situation. Our son would play us against each other—quite masterfully, I might add—and manipulate us until he got what he wanted. I probably fell victim to his manipulation more than my wife did, but we both got suckered on many occasions.
I remember in the early days thinking that showering my son with material things would help snap him out of the severe depression and addiction he was going through. I said to myself, “He’s depressed, which is why he’s using drugs. So if I buy him stuff and make him happy, he’ll stop using drugs.” My wife wasn’t in total agreement with my theory, and several thousand dollars worth of musical gear later, guess what? Our son was still depressed and addicted.
It wasn’t until our son’s second rehab stay that my wife and I started to see the light. In a family therapy session, the therapist told us, “Be the change you want to see in your son.” At that point, my wife and I both decided to quit drinking to set an example, not only for our addicted son but for our younger son as well. I believe that therapy session was the catalyst to my wife and I finally being on the same page with regards to our son’s addiction.
My wife and I were no longer two individuals who were flailing in the water, grasping at straws. We were now a TEAM and started collaborating on how to address our son’s issues. Things with our son didn’t start to get better right away, but our united front became apparent to him and his opportunity to play my wife and I against each other disappeared.
Not only that, my wife and I were now able to establish boundaries and consequences for our son and actually stick to them. After a long time of having one parent set a boundary, only to have the other one tear it down, our son finally started to see that my wife and I meant business. And that was the start of positive change.
In their book The Parent’s 20 Minute Guide: A Guide for Parents About How to Help Their Children Change Their Substance Abuse, the Center for Motivation & Change (CMC) writes: “As you try to help your child change their relationship with substances, it will be important for every adult involved to give clear directions and consistent consequences (positive and negative). . . .Different expectations (explicit or implied) between you and your partner amount to mixed messages for your child.”
There is also an added bonus to parents being on the same page when dealing with their addicted child. The CMC goes on to say, “Additionally, the more agreement you can reach with your partner, the less stressed you will each feel and happier you will both be. And with less conflict and stress in general you can, in turn, be more positive with your child.”
It may not happen right away, and it may take lots of practice. But the bottom line is that parent collaboration makes life better for everyone involved.
If you are in recovery, or if you have a loved one who is in recovery, please consider sharing your story on the Heroes in Recovery website. By sharing, you can do your part to help BREAK THE STIGMA.
You can share your story in one of two ways:
1.) Go to the Heroes in Recovery page, share your story directly, and let them know Dean sent you.
2.) Contact me on Facebook (Dean Dauphinais) and I can help you through the process. Or we can talk on the phone and I can help you write your story.
Also, please feel free to share this blog or leave a comment below. I’d love to hear any feedback you might have.
Peace.
–Dean