A Reason for the Journey
Sometimes looking back is the reason you are able to move forward. I go back to a time when life was full with a marriage, a home, two healthy school-age children, church, activities, grandparents, jobs and the normal stresses of family life. It was a time of life most of us would consider to be a happy time, and for me it generally was.
It was also a point in my life during which I was not feeling fulfilled or satisfied. I was lacking growth and challenge, and I identified this as a career issue. The issue was that my job could not bring me to another level. While I continued my career as a dental hygienist, I tested out my interest in real estate by working part time as a real estate assistant. After a year I knew that was not my direction. I decided to continue my career in dental hygiene and set up my own successful freelance business. This allowed me to set my own schedule and be present for my children’s activities and school events. Once my children reached high school, I returned to a permanent part-time position in an office close to home. In hindsight returning to that regular routine with a group of friendly and supportive coworkers and an employer who respected the needs of family over business was a decision guided by my higher power.
What came next was out of my control. After a year or so of starting this job my family started the two-year journey of caring for and grieving the loss of my mother. Within a year after the loss of my mother our family entered into the insane world of active addiction. As I learned to negotiate this new world, my job was my sanctuary. I was grateful to have an environment that was safe, supportive and reasonably stress free. It was the one piece of my life that didn’t change and provided the stability I needed at the time.
Over the last seven years my family’s experiences have included an eight-month two-phase treatment program with a family component, 12-step meetings, family counseling and support groups, bible study, dealing with the legal system and lawyers, incarceration, a second local IOP program, professional educational seminars, recovery, relapses and advocacy.
I now understand why I felt unfulfilled by my career, and it took addiction to help me see that. I was looking for personal growth from an external source. I identified my career as the reason for my discontent and lack of fulfillment. Trying other options like real estate and my own business affirmed my capabilities but proved to be external distractions keeping me from addressing the need for internal growth. I was hearing, seeing and feeling the need for internal growth, but I always identified my career as the culprit. Confirmations from friends and coworkers who were experiencing similar feelings made it easy to label my discontent as an external problem.
Seeing life through the eyes of addiction for the past seven years has brought me some of the most painful and enriching moments of my life. The challenges, some obvious and others hidden, continue to help me grow. I have learned to meet those challenges to the best of my ability and by being honest and open with myself and turning inward. When I slow down, I can hear the answers to my prayers in meetings and in the quiet of my own heart. I wish to embrace what I am meant to learn. Living outside the box that was my life and growing in a way that I could never have imagined has been a blessing. Because of addiction I have gained a better understanding of myself, what I need and what I have to give. I have found spirituality and serenity within myself. The lack of external growth that I thought was my reason for dissatisfaction and discontent was just an excuse to not look inside. By taking care of internal growth, external growth will happen if it is supposed to.
I have been given the opportunity to grow from the inside out, and a career change is on my mind again. I have always been in a serving profession, and I know that is where I fit best. It remains to be seen if my field of service will change. I believe things happen for a reason, and, as I continue to do internal work, I will be able to move in a new direction, if I am called.