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Depression, Pain and Transformation in Recovery

Vanessa
| November 25, 2013

“The shadow is a frightening reality. Anyone who talks glibly about integrating the shadow, as if you could chum up to shadow the way you learn a foreign language, doesn’t know the darkness that always qualifies shadow. Fear is never far removed from power” (Care of the Soul, Moore, pg. 133).

Transformation, integration and shadow are terms that come up for us in recovery, as we begin to move forward, grow and experience a life without substance abuse. We no longer use to numb out and ignore ourselves, and now we are faced with the person in the mirror. There is no escaping the self, and it is now demanding to be reckoned with.

Hopefully, before this epic journey of intense healing begins, you have armed yourself with various tools to combat the incessant aches and pains that come with growth and healing. You have done the step work, you have attended therapy sessions and you have started going back to church. Whatever your recovery may look like, when shadow is present, it is because it is time for you to take that next step in your growth. You are ready.

Turmoil can creep in like a breeze and cascade into a tornado of worries, doubts and insecurities. As we enter this phase of recovery, we can reflect, give praise and sit in the feeling of not being comfortable with the belief that it is all happening for the highest good. I believe that there is an end, once the lesson has been learned. The lesson can come in the form of a relationship in crisis, past debts, family illnesses or even an injury to your own physical body. These tests are in place to help us grow to the next level of greatness. Rest assured you are not alone in this.

As this transformative process occurs for me, I am aware of what I need to do for myself, while I weather the storm. I have found that my writing is enhanced, my painting is more alive and my dancing is more passionate and expressive. I am more creative. I reach out to those who would hear me, and I allow them to help me. You don’t have to do this by yourself. But what happens when you have exhausted all of your resources? What happens when you have done everything that you can do to alleviate, soothe and care for the soul?

“Care of the soul doesn’t mean wallowing in the symptom, but it does mean trying to learn from depression what qualities the soul needs” (Care of the Soul, Moore pg. 153). This means sitting in it, poking at it and allowing these parts of ourselves to manifest. Integration of shadow means addressing the presence of our darker selves. Not to erase it, deny it or hide it. We are being asked to accept and love shadow. It is how we heal the symptom. Like a naughty child who has acted out, shadow seeks recognition. The more we deny it, the stronger the force becomes. Learning to integrate shadow is an individual process. What heals your wounds may not be what heals those of others. Further spiritual growth has always been my calling, but it is not for everyone. Tapping into your passions may be a key to illuminating your shadow and retrieving the soul.

As addicts we tend to seek ways to escape the feeling of extreme discomfort. We seek pleasurable means to alleviate the pain we feel or to pull us out of it temporarily. We are now being asked to sit and find what it is we can do to further love ourselves and to further progress in our lives. Wallowing will probably occur, but, when it is over, can you find out what further development needs to take place? What is it that is causing this suffering? Is there something you have not done that you know you should do? Is this an opportunity for you to grow in strength and test yourself? Is the path you’re on currently the “right” one? I have found strength in prayer and meditation. When the pain becomes too great, I ask God to ease up just a bit. It’s okay to ask for the volume to be turned down, if you need a break from growth. Everything is happening for you, not to you. Take comfort in that.

I believe and understand that balance will be restored. I will see the benefits of this experience happen as well. It gives me hope, strength and comfort. Now is the time for me to find joy in the little things, in the ordinary, while God takes the reins and I do the work. This is life, and it’s one heck of a ride!

Love, light and speedy healing to you,

AV

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