Serenity
So there I was lying on Andy’s bedroom floor hysterically pounding my fists and screaming “Why? Why? Why?” How could I ever find peace and joy again when I couldn’t even stand to be alive?
That was me, one month after the death of my son from a heroin overdose. I was in such a dark place, I didn’t see any way out of it. I was consumed with anger and guilt and “what ifs”. If only I had put him in rehab, if only I had been tougher or gentler or smarter or read more books or knew the signs better. I would listlessly lay in my hot tub for hours on end and think “It would be so easy to just slip under the water and end all this.” I guess you would say that was my rock bottom.
It was at this point that I knew I had to go back to the basics that I had learned in Nar Anon. I would say the serenity prayer over and over and over. This was too big for me to handle on my own. I needed to surrender to my higher power. At first I would just say the prayer with no expectations, just using it to give my mind something to focus on, one breath at a time. Then I began to really read the words and apply them to my own situation.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
God
I need to surrender to a higher power.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
I had to first define what I could not change:
– My son is dead from a drug overdose
– My love could not save him
– The 3 Cs: I didn’t cause it, I couldn’t control it, and I couldn’t cure it
– I will never have grandchildren
– I will never see my son’s beautiful face again in this lifetime
And then I had to accept those things in peace. Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm. How did I come to a peaceful place? The 3 Cs were the greatest help. It removed so much guilt. I remembered that it is impossible to control another person and that my guilt was ill-placed; arrogant even. I also decided to work on fixing what I could.
Courage to change the things I can
I could change ME and how I reacted to my situation. Instead of wallowing in misery, I could make healthier choices. I could focus on my love for Andy. Oh how I loved my one and only. I have so many beautiful memories that can sustain me. I could make an effort to keep in touch with his friends and keep young energy in my house. I have, and they continue to stay in touch still. Most every night there is at least one of Andy’s friends having dinner at my house. I get to love and babysit their children, my surrogate grandchildren. It gives me a reason to go on. I could be grateful for all the blessings I still have in my life. In reflecting long and hard on this, I realized I still have many blessings. New people have come into my life that I would never have met if I hadn’t gone through this tragedy. I am privileged to be involved in the Heroes in Recovery movement. I cannot save my son, but perhaps I can help someone else.
And the wisdom to know the difference
I ask for guidance from myself, others, and my higher power. I do my best to take the path that will be of the best and most loving thing for myself and others.
This prayer saved my life. It really did. Whenever I have a bad day or weak moment—and I do—I go back to this prayer and remember to surrender to my higher power, because I cannot handle this on my own. I still struggle, but being able to surrender has brought me a serenity I’m not sure I ever could have found. My greatest hope is that you will give the serenity prayer a try. It may be just what you need too.