Date Night with Me!
When I first started doing this, I have to admit I felt like a total loser. Date night…with myself? Do I really want to go there? Am I really that pathetic that I have to do this? Changing my self talk was the obvious first step in accomplishing this new endeavor. Love heals all wounds. In the past I was acting in ways that were wounding to my spirit. I have to love myself enough to heal myself, to bring healthier forms of love into my life.
When I first started in recovery, I was leaving a relationship that I had been in for nine years. My ex-husband was my everything, but I saw in my therapy sessions in treatment how toxic we were for each other. Throughout the years I had lost who Vanessa was. The best way for me to begin to be a whole person would be to leave my marriage. It was very hard and painful for me and, I am sure, for him as well. We have a son together and had built a life. I would essentially be giving up everything I had built in almost a decade to start over. That was a very sobering reality to face. But I knew if I went back, I was not going to get well. I knew if I went back, I was probably going to die. I didn’t know it then, but it was the first step I took in learning to love myself above anything else. More than my husband, even more than my child. So, I left. Or, technically, I just didn’t go back.
So, there I was in Palm Springs. Newly separated and fumbling around. I had not connected to the idea behind needing to be single in order to stay recovered, so I had experiences dating. I jumped from relationship to relationship, learning lessons along the way. The type of men I was attracting into my life were not the sort I would have ever believed I would find myself in a relationship with. At the time they were providing something for me that I could not provide for myself. When I saw where the relationship was going, I cut out quick and moved on to the next one. Lucky for me, I am a fast learner. The number of relationships I was beginning to rack up was not so lovely.
I want to say it was towards my 18-month recovery date that I began to really start to notice and recognize my trends. I would be in a relationship for a month or two, see the damage it was having on my life and goals, peace out, have a month or two single, and then be in another relationship. I am grateful for the goals I had previously set up for myself, because, once I saw how they were being affected by my relationship, I ended it. I was redefining what I wanted in a partner as I went along, yet the myriad of men I was bringing into my life was slowing my pace. There had to be a way to remedy this. Making the keen observation that I was attracting relationships into my life that were not only detrimental to many of the goals I had set for myself but were harmful to my recovery, I made a choice. Love myself enough to know how to properly love others and receive the kind of love I deserved.
During one of my breaks in relationships, I got lonely. I had friends that I could call to hang out with, but I knew this would just be a temporary distraction from what I was really needing in my life. I missed the love of a partner and the excitement of a date. The thought occurred to me: Why not have a date with yourself? Before I had entered recovery, I had never even eaten at a restaurant by myself. I was always with my ex-husband, my son, or friends. Recreating memories was a big part of my self healing so I thought, why not try that?
I felt silly at first. I did all the things I would do if I were going to go out on a date. I got showered, dressed up, make-up, the whole nine yards. My first date was going to have to be a budgeted date, I did not have the means to go on a fancy date. But I thought about all the foods I would want to eat at a restaurant and headed out to the grocery store. I love bone-in rib eyes, so I bought that as well as green beans and those little red and white potatoes. I bought candles and flowers for myself, sparkling water and a nice juice to make a sparkly drink, picked up a movie and some dessert. Then I headed home.
While I cooked, I realized how long it had been since I had actually invested time into cooking for myself. I seemed to only do it when I was dating someone. I noted this and decided to change that. I put on some Lady Gaga (Love her!) and danced in the kitchen while I was cooking and setting the table. I lit the candles, placed the meal, thanked and blessed the meal, and began to eat. I was mindful of every bite I took and remembered how awesome of a cook I am. This was actually fun! I was looking forward to the movie I had rented (Thor, I love superhero movies!) and the Ben and Jerry’s peanut butter cup ice cream waiting for me in the freezer. I cleaned up, popped the movie in, grabbed my ice cream, and watched the story unfold.
By the end of the date, the feeling I had about it being silly had all but vanished. I took pictures of everything: the meal, me and my outfit. Since I began the path of recreating my memories in recovery, I take pictures of every new adventure and experience. I felt like it was important, but it wouldn’t be until I had hit my low moments that I really understood the significance of good memories. As I progress in recovery, I forget sometimes how far I have actually come. When I get down, I scroll through my photos. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I am mortified, but every time I am renewed and refueled with a sense of accomplishment. I did that: I recovered.
As I was able to afford more, I began to take myself out to restaurants: Table for one. The first meal out was hard, but I made sure to do some solo dates at home before I actually took myself out all dolled up. I also made sure to include things in the date that I would normally do anyway such as rounding up with a night hike or reading a good book. Easing my way into empowering myself has been the catalyst of some of the wonderfully amazing things I have been able to do in my life: my move to Hawaii being the kicker.
Even after all of the spectacular things I have been able to accomplish in the past two years, I still had reservations about seeing a movie in a theater by myself. Movie theaters were always partner date places for me, and this one was going to be hard. It wasn’t until I got to Hawaii that I saw a movie by myself. And it was incredible! I didn’t have to explain things to anyone, no one interrupted my analyzing of the plot line, and I got to see a movie I wanted to see, not a compromise.
Dating yourself can be as simple as a bubble bath or as extravagant as a night on the town! You can make it as upscale or low key as you want. The idea behind it is that you are on your own, doing the things you love, empowering yourself. Setting yourself up for a successful date night is in the cards. If you have kids, grab a babysitter. If you have a husband or a boyfriend, it is also important to make these dates with yourself. You have entered into a position in which healing yourself is of utmost importance. No person can do that for you. So take the time, make the date and love yourself!
I would love to hear back about date nights you are having. It will help spread ideas for dates that I or other readers may want to participate in. If you’re having trouble getting started, please reach out to me. Date nights are AWESOME! The things I end up remembering about myself and the experiences I end up having are mind-boggling at times!
Let’s live!
Love and light, AV