Siblings and the Ripple Effect of Addiction
Over the years, I’ve written quite a bit about how addiction is a family disease and how it impacts so many more than just those directly afflicted with it. When someone has a substance abuse disorder, they are not the only person who suffers. Instead, the addict’s physical and emotional pain ripples outward, affecting everyone who is close to them.
This ripple effect touches everyone in the family: parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. No one is immune. But the family members who are affected the most, I believe, are the siblings.
If you’re the sibling of an addict, you’d better buckle up and grow some thick skin, because it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll become part of the collateral damage caused by your brother or sister’s struggles.
I witnessed this unfortunate situation firsthand during my older son’s addiction. Between the ages of 15 and 22, he battled both addiction and depression. And my family experienced a sort of hell on earth for most of that time. My wife and I were laser focused on helping our older son. We devoted ourselves to finding him doctors, therapists, and treatment facilities. We also spent inordinate amounts of time talking to and—at times—fighting with him.
Meanwhile, our younger son, Josh, who is six years younger than his brother, was caught in the middle of the family chaos. He was going through some very formative years as the “other” child. It certainly wasn’t intentional, but our younger son was frequently moved to the back burner while things were really heating up with his brother.
As if that wasn’t enough, Josh was terrified of what addiction might do to the brother he idolized. I remember one night in particular, shortly after my wife and I found out that our older son was using heroin. Josh was extremely upset and crying in our arms. “I don’t want [my brother] to die,” he said. That just about ripped my heart out.
Josh bravely shared his story with Heroes in Recovery back in December (“Addiction as Seen by a Younger Sibling”). In that story, he wrote:
My father would yell, my brother would yell, my mother would try not to yell. I tried not to yell. Oftentimes, however, I did.
I would join in and demand to know why my voice was not being heard. I would frequently interject with questions about myself.
“What about me?”
My parents spent more time paying attention to my brother’s drug habits than they did to me.
Talk about a wake-up call.
I knew that Josh didn’t get as much attention as he should have during those nightmarish years. But I don’t think I ever understood how deeply his brother’s addiction—and his parents’ preoccupation with it—had affected him until I read those words. And those words stung.
As a parent, you tend to replay things you did in the past and wonder if you could have—or should have—done them differently. Inevitably you’ll find yourself second-guessing yourself. But you can’t let the crystal clear vision of hindsight bring you down. You did what you thought was best at the time, and if you come to the conclusion that you didn’t do certain things exactly right? You have to let it go. You’re a human being, and human beings make mistakes.
My wife and I have apologized to Josh, and I think he understands the predicament his parents were stuck in during his brother’s addiction. Does that make it hurt any less, though? No. Especially because the pain and loneliness Josh felt were not in any way his fault.
It was the damn ripple effect.
I often think about my family’s experience and wonder how many other siblings of addicts are out there suffering silently. Just how many siblings are thinking, like Josh thought, “What about me?” The number has to be staggering, and I feel for every single one of those kids, because they don’t deserve to suffer. They are, quite simply, part of the fallout of addiction.
So how do we help them?
First and foremost, we have to love them. Just like parents of addicts, siblings of addicts have been thrown into a firestorm they didn’t ask for or anticipate. But that doesn’t mean they don’t still need their parents’ love and attention. In fact, they need more love and attention than ever before. So parents need to make sure they don’t inadvertently ignore their other child(ren) while dealing with another child’s addiction.
It can be challenging, but make it a point to sit down with the sibling(s) regularly and ask them what they’re feeling. You should also block out periods of time where your focus is solely on them. And consider finding a professional counselor for them to talk to or, depending on their age, a support group to go to.
Last but not least, educate the sibling about addiction. The more they understand about the disease, the more they’ll understand what their brother or sister is going through. And the better their chances of minimizing the ripple effect of addiction.
Postscript:
A little over a year ago, I started fantasizing about what I would do with the money if I ever won the lottery. One of the things I came up with was starting a foundation to assist siblings of addicts. Well, I haven’t won the lottery yet, but my wife and I did decide to offer a small college scholarship to a student who has been affected by their sibling’s addiction. For more information on that scholarship, visit my personal blog, or email siblingscholarship@gmail.com.
If you are in recovery, or if you have a loved one who is in recovery, please consider sharing your story on the Heroes in Recovery website. By sharing, you can offer hope to others while doing your part to help BREAK THE STIGMA.
You can share your story in one of two ways:
- Go to the Heroes in Recovery page, share your story directly, and let them know Dean sent you.
- Contact me on Facebook (Dean Dauphinais) and I can help you through the process. Or we can talk on the phone and I can help you write your story.
Also, please feel free to share this blog or leave a comment below. I’d love to hear any feedback you might have.
Peace.
–Dean