It is Difficult to Live Without Shame
On April 13th of this year, I hit a milestone: Two years in long-term recovery from drug addiction; clean and sober. Part of me wanted to celebrate, part of me wanted to cry, and a teeny tiny part of me still wanted to throw it all away and escape into the oblivion of chemically altered consciousness. I have every moment of sobriety and stability to be grateful for, and I am profoundly grateful, but – honestly – life is often more difficult to cope with sober and mentally healthy than it ever was otherwise.
I have gained over 100 pounds in recovery. I have lost many friends. I have never felt so lonely, uncomfortable, unwelcome, and misunderstood than in these past two years. Most of my family is still dangerously dysfunctional. I feel like more of an embarrassment now than I ever have as it is more difficult than you can imagine navigating a life lived without shame. I often feel stupid, guilty, or inadequate. I get nervous sometimes…most of the time. When I mess things up, I take responsibility for them. This often makes me want to crawl under a rock. I have no idea where my life is headed and I feel a great pressure to have a plan, or more degrees, more acceptance, and more accolades on which to hang my hat.
But, here’s the rub. Although I’m scared and uncomfortable and lonely, I wouldn’t trade long-term recovery from mental illness and addiction for anything. I have to be clean and sober, and a fierce advocate for my mental health, or I won’t have a life at all. I have a fantastic full-time job, more impactful than any I’ve ever had before, and two part-time jobs. With Heroes, I passionately advocate for a cause I believe in to the marrow of my bones. I never wake up hungover, confused, or still high. I no longer have to worry about being arrested for narcotics crimes. When I mess things up, I will actually take responsibility for them. Still, this often makes me want to crawl under a rock.
It is difficult to live without shame. It is especially hard if people (society) are telling you that you ought to feel ashamed. Tougher still is stigma as, no matter what you think, anti-addiction (and mental illness) stigma is deeply ingrained into many workplace, social, and family mores. But, if I can live two years without drugs or alcohol, we can break the stigma. We can be heroes and erase shame. We can stand up, tell our stories, choose not to be anonymous, and refuse to be silent.