Signs Slide Aside
Lessons in life always teach me new things. Sometimes if I don’t learn what I am supposed to, something similar will continue to happen until I grow from it. When I was actively using it seemed as though I was always running into the same issues. Everything felt very familiar. I found comfort in what I knew for a long time. I identified with it, and it was a part of who I was at the time. I let go of all the negative things that had accumulated over time just to have another day to not worry about it. That worked for a while. I am really happy that it started not working for me. At the time, it felt like I was losing out. Like I had lost the biggest fight of my life. My ego was smashed! I was brought down to my knees and begged for something new. My selfishness tried to kick into high gear making excuses for the continued debauchery. Something inside of me fought harder. It was my authentic self shedding away all the unnecessary layers that no longer served me.
I can name 3 significant incidents where ego got the best of me:
- In autumn of 2000 I was 18 years old. I left Charlotte, NC and went to school in Durango, CO. Two months into my first semester of college I drank a 1/5 of liquor in about 15 seconds and wound up flat lined in the ICU. The emergency crew revived me! After this time, I found a reason for it to be good for me to drink again. Ego said, “Hillary, you can handle it. You just got carried away. You will know better next time.”
- I got my first DUI and blew a .24. I wrecked into a median and the cops watched me as they walked out of IHOP. Ego said, “Show your butt and have fun with the police when you go into booking. Make a big joke out of the things happening in your life. It is all meant to be ‘fun’.”
- When I was 25 years old and after a long list of reasons why I should stay quit from drinking/drugs it was my friends 30th So thanks to my very selfish brain I once again, against all my best interest, went back to it. Ego said, “Well, it is his birthday. You have to celebrate with everyone. Don’t worry you don’t have a problem. Put a smile on your face and go along with it.”
I look back and see I had many warning signs from the universe. All the different things that had happened to me and I survived or got caught. All of these were signs I was headed against a natural flow. I was meeting resistance that was self-destructive. It could have been avoided if I would have stopped and paid more attention.
I chose not to cover myself up anymore. No more hiding, and from this point I found recovery and a newfound love for my spirituality. The selfish, self-loathing and dishonest path I led transitioned into a life with a distinct pattern of beauty. It is not for the faint hearted. You have to be ready to do the soul work. The result is worth it.