Staying Grateful When You Don’t Feel Like It
I remember, when I was a kid, hearing my grandmother, or an aunt, say to me, “turn that frown upside down.” I would think to myself, that is the corniest thing I’ve ever heard. Why do these old people say that stuff? It’s only as I’ve gotten older (about the age they were when they were saying this to me) that I’ve come to understand and appreciate the statement. Sometimes you have to start acting “as if” in order to change your thoughts and perspectives.
Very early on in my recovery journey I had a sponsor that made me look up words. I thought to myself, does she think I’m an idiot? I know what these words mean. I’m a college graduate! What I began to understand in doing that exercise was that I really didn’t know the true meaning of a lot of words. Especially the “feeling” words.
I knew what I thought joy, happiness, and gratitude meant. As Webster’s Dictionary says: “Gratitude– a state of being grateful.” Well that doesn’t help much if you don’t know what grateful means AND you aren’t able to identify feelings. How do I know if I’m feeling or showing thanks? For many of us, we didn’t feel much of anything except anger and sadness. As addicts and alcoholics, we kept these feelings covered up with our vices. It’s hard as an adult to start understanding what feelings mean and top that with actually having to feel them. These were things most people learn growing up. We missed that lesson while we were under the influence.
I had always been told by others in recovery to make a gratitude list. This was actually a very difficult exercise at one time. What do I write? Where do I start? Well, I started with simple things like I’m grateful for the grass (not the kind you smoke either). Or I’m grateful for my animals. I’m grateful for a job. You know, some easy ones to start with. I began entering in my journal two or three things I was grateful for in that day. Some were bigger than others, but doing that almost daily helped me find gratitude in the little things. Writing helped me to eventually believe.
I often wondered how long it would take writing in my journal to become grateful. I had heard the saying that it takes 21 days to form a new habit, but didn’t know where it came from. In writing this blog, I thought I’d do what one of my first sponsors taught me to do– look it up! I found that the 21 day thing may actually be a myth. Check it out for yourself: How Long Does It Actually Take to Form a New Habit?. According to the research noted in this article it takes approximately 66 days. Wow! I was hoping to find an easier, softer way with the 21 day approach. In looking back I can definitely see that it took longer than 21 days for some things to become engrained in my daily life. The more I wrote about gratitude the more I became grateful. The more I understood what it meant, and actually felt grateful for all that had happened to get me to this point in my life.
It is hard to always be grateful though. Or is it? For me, an attitude of gratitude is with me no matter what chaos is happening around me. It may not be the first thing my mind runs to, and being able to do this didn’t happen overnight either. It took practice to retrain my brain to NOT focus on the negatives all of the time. Take time to find the bright spot. Or, as those old people I thought were crazy would say turn that frown upside down.
One day during my lunch break I went by to see my mom only to find her slumped over the kitchen table literally taking her last breath. Lots of thoughts ran through my head, but they ended with gratitude. I was put there at that moment to be with my mother as she left this earth. Now don’t get me wrong. It sucked!! However, I found the positive and felt gratitude. I couldn’t have done that had I not practiced being grateful. Same philosophy applies as practicing the piano or riding a bike. Learn the mechanics and once they are embedded in your psyche they’ll always be there when you need to call upon them.
Here is a list from the Huffington Post of 10 Things Grateful People Do Differently:
1. Journal (check. Got that one covered)
2. Don’t avoid the negative (look for positives within it)
3. Spend time with loved ones (each day is a gift and not a guarantee)
4. And tell them you love them (you may not get another chance)
5. Use social media mindfully (research shows that positive thoughts shared on social media spread faster than negative)
6. Know the value of the little things (this is where the grass I mentioned writing in my journal earlier comes in)
7. Then help others appreciate them too (share your gratitude – “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William Arthur Ward)
8. Volunteer (nothing helps gratitude grow more than giving of yourself – it’s not all about us)
9. Get moving (like doing a Heroes 6K. according to Robert Emmons, a gratitude researcher and psychology professor at UC Davis “thankful people who move their feet experience an overall healthier mind and body, therefore making gratitude one of the best medicines”)
10. Love yourself (gratitude starts with you)
Like any feelings, we have to believe them first. Sometimes that takes time, practice, and looking up what the definition is. Just know that if you never stop trying you’ll always be succeeding. Gratitude is one of the most important tools in my recovery toolbox today without question. I believe that with gratitude comes peace of mind. Knowing that through any storm there is always something to be grateful for helps my serenity and keeps me focused. I just sometimes have to be willing to look for the gratitude. I can do that today. Let’s all start our list with being grateful you didn’t drink or use today.
With Much Love and Gratitude,
Margaret
Heroes in Recovery is seeking to Break The Stigma of addiction. You can help!! Join the movement by:
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