- Drugs
Hi, my name is Cindy, and I am an addict in recovery. I had been actively using drugs since I was 13 and actively using every day since I was 14. I never used a needle, but I have done every drug that is around. My drugs of choice were pot and crack.
I come from a generation when families never spoke of things like rape, molestation or things along that line, but, when I was 14, my uncle molested me. I knew that it was wrong but did nothing to stop it. He was my uncle. I never told anyone, and it ate away at me for 35 years. I started using drugs to numb the pain. I smoked pot every day. I went to school high, graduated high and went into the Army high. Things went from bad to worse. It was like I was a magnet for “bad” guys. I thought that giving men what they wanted equaled love, but I felt worse about myself and just did more drugs and drank. However I held a job, showed up to work every day and worked hard, so I thought there was nothing wrong with me. I did this for 21 years. Although I was showing up every day, inside I was close to a nervous breakdown. I could feel myself falling apart. I took a leave of absence from my work and went to see a psychologist, and this is the best thing I ever did for myself.
God graced me with the most amazing psychologist who I couldn’t fool. I talked about my 21-year marriage and how unhappy I was. I told her I did drugs but downplayed my use. After about a year of going to therapy and knowing I could really trust her I spilled the beans on everything. I talked about how serious my drug use was and what had started my drug use. I talked about how I could not stay faithful to my husband, how I wanted to die and just be gone, how I did not like myself at all, how lost I felt and so much more.
I was in therapy for a couple years before I decided that I wanted to quit using drugs. I tried to quit so many times. My insurance company would not pay for inpatient treatment, so I went to outpatient treatment three times. I would make it for a couple of months and then I would use. I also started to attend 12-step meetings, but I had more white key tags than I could count. I would go to a meeting, drive away and smoke pot or crack or both.
I quit my job that I had had for 21 years and that I was really good at to try to get treatment. Getting clean was my job. I left my husband of 21 years because I tried to tell him how unhappy and messed up I was and he basically told me to get over it. I met a man who was willing to hang out with me while I fixed myself. He was another blessing sent my way. He wiped a lot of tears, gave countless hugs and loved me when I couldn’t love myself.
During my last time out something changed in me. I was 90 days clean, and after I used I felt so guilty. I immediately told my sponsor and friends in the 12-step fellowship and prayed to God that He would help me stay clean. I wanted freedom from active addiction more than I wanted anything. I knew that would be the last day I ever did drugs, and, so far by His grace, it has been. I have two years and three months clean and sober. I went back to school and got my LPN license and work in a job that I absolutely love. I have an amazing husband who loved me through my pain and continues to love me in my joy-filled life. My life is far from perfect, but I am present every day. I feel the joy and the pain. I have found forgiveness and given forgiveness. I live life, and it doesn’t just pass me by.