- Alcohol
- Drugs
At the age of 12 I started using drugs and alcohol. My mother was an alcoholic at that time and found recovery later on. I used and drank anything available for a very intense eight years. The last two years mainly involved alcohol, since I had reached the legal drinking age at that point. After those eight hard years in active addiction I lived each day with deep emotional and spiritual pain. I felt spiritually and mentally bankrupt and empty and knew I was bottoming out. Physically I could have drank and drugged for many years, but I had lost myself internally. I began thinking that suicide might be the answer to my internal pain. I had lost a lot of close relationships due to my addiction and the behavior that came with it. I knew I was driving people away, but I could not stop drinking.
I finally made my way into a 12-step meeting. I did not think I was an alcoholic, but I did think I was crazy. My life in recovery progressed, but somewhere around year 12 of living sober, although very active in the program, I hit another bottom. I was going to meetings, praying and helping others, but there was still a lingering inward battle that I could not quite win. I was blessed to find the rooms of another 12-step program and to join a therapy group. I still had tremendously low self-esteem and was not able to connect with God or with myself. Even though I was 12 years sober, married to a beautiful wife, a dad to two great kids and earning a six-figure salary, I was feeling desperate again. I would like to tell people today that, if you are sober for 5, 10 or 15 years and doing all that the program asks and still feel like things are not right internally, please don’t hesitate to go for outside help. It has made all the difference to me in continuing to live a sober life and stay active in my fellowship.
Today I am aware that, even after 38 years of years of sobriety, I still have an addictive personality and have to keep all things in moderation. I know that this is part of my nature. Today I am active in the fellowship and in my home group, I participate in recovery and personal growth workshops and I attend conferences.
When I was asked what I thought were the most important things that one must do as a newcomer to the program, I said I believe having a sponsor and having a home group that you attend each week are key to recovery. Being surrounded by the same people week after week and meeting after meeting provides a sense of community, which is a major component to successful recovery.
There is a little story I like to share in regards to my family history. In 1963 my mother, who was in the throes of her battle with alcoholism, was on vacation at a resort in Canada. She happened to meet two people that were from the same county in New York, so she became friendly with them and even invited them to have dinner. During the afternoon my mother saw the gentlemen she had met a few hours before walking through the lobby and invited him to step into the bar to have a drink with her. The man’s reply was, “Young lady, I haven’t had a drink since 1934.” My mom’s response was, “What, are you in AA?” and the man said, “I’m the co-founder.” Three years later my mom was at her bottom, drinking a quart of vodka daily while hooked on an assortment of prescription medications. She picked up the phone and reached out for help by calling the only person she had ever met in recovery. He got her to her first meeting, and she died in the year 2000 after 33 continuous years of sobriety.