- Drugs
My name is April, and I am a grateful recovering addict.
I grew up in a small town of about 500 people in Newfoundland, Canada. When I was a child, I always felt very different. I never wanted to be me. I always wanted to be like that girl or have what that girl had. I would look at myself and cry because I hated me and hated everything about me.
When I was 12, I started drinking and smoking weed. This made me feel like I fit in and was pretty. During high school I tried acid, mushrooms, perks and E. I would do anything that would make me not feel like me.
I got pregnant at 20 but kept smoking weed. Thank God I had a healthy little girl. At 21 I moved to British Columbia with her and her father. He and I had a very unhealthy relationship. He cheated on me all the time and made me believe I was not a good person, I was ugly and no one would ever love me if I left him. He would push me around in front of our daughter. He was never home. I started to hate him and didn’t want him to touch me. I got very depressed.
When I was 23, I tried coke for the first time. I did that first line, and suddenly I didn’t feel bad any more. All my problems left, or so I thought. Using coke became a weekend thing and then an every day thing. I couldn’t stop and didn’t know what to do. I had no one to talk to about it.
One night I took an entire bottle of pills so I wouldn’t have to live the way I was living anymore. My three-year-old daughter found me on the bathroom floor. I ended up in the hospital for a week. They put me on antidepressants and let me go home. My addiction got worse, and I could not stop. I lost all my friends because of my lies and manipulating. I finally asked for help. I went to a 30-day treatment program, and I didn’t return to my family. I left my daughter with her dad because I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing. With him she had a chance at a good life.
I stayed in the town where I got treatment and was doing well, going to meetings, working the steps and chairing meetings. I was finally happy. My daughter would come to visit. Life was changing until I met a guy who was still in treatment. I fell in love. He left treatment and moved in with me. I started to smoke weed again and drink. I was going to meetings but not being honest as to what I was doing, and then I stopped going, doing the steps or talking to my sponsor. The man I was dating introduced me to crack, and it quickly took me over.
We decided to move to Calgary to get clean, but that lasted a week. I was stealing from my jobs and robbing stores. Our house had no food in the fridge, and I was eating out of garbage cans. Life was not good. My daughter would come visit, and it wouldn’t be good. I would tell myself I was not going to use, but I always would. I was stuck and could not stop. I would go to meetings, but I would come home to my crack house and always use again.
We moved once again to Ontario to get clean and to stay with his family. We stayed clean for a month until we moved out on our own. It didn’t take us long to meet some people that knew people, and we got high. It got worse, and I was at my all-time low. I was locking myself in my house, peeking out my blinds and acting like a tweaker. I was stealing $300 to $500 from my job every day, and by the the next day I would have nothing. I was starting to not feel as high as I wanted to be, so I started to think about shooting crack. I was also thinking of hooking for more drugs and money. Thank God I never did either.
One day I called my mom and told her everything. I got myself into a 90-day program and loved it. I started to love me and learn about myself. I got some deep stuff out and got help for it. I stayed in treatment for 81 days before going back to my old life. When I got home, my drug of choice was everywhere. I used for a week and called my mom to come get me and take me out of that town.
I moved about six hours away and moved in with my dad. I was still going to clubs, drinking and sniffing coke. I got pregnant again. I didn’t want to be, as it was not a good time, and the father was not a good person. I smoked weed through that pregnancy too but had another healthy little girl. After I had her, I was going to clubs and doing the same things again.
One night I came home from the club and took my daughter from the sitter’s. I woke up to her screaming, and I didn’t know how long she had been crying. I picked her up, looked into her eyes and knew I could not do this to her. I could not put her through the same things I put my oldest through. The next day was December 3, 2010. I walk into a 12-step meeting and didn’t look back.
My life has changed so much. Today I like myself. I am the mother of three beautiful little girls. I am the wife, daughter, sister and friend that God chose me to be. I work hard to keep what I have. I work my steps every day, go to meetings and sponsor other women. This February I was chosen to speak at a convention in front of thousands of addicts like myself.
I have a life today that I never dreamed was possible or ever believed I deserved. I am not afraid to look at myself and am not afraid to feel my feelings both good and bad. I don’t have to pick up no matter what happens in my life. If I do I will die, and life is too important to me today to do that. I have a choice today, and I choose to live a clean and happy life full of joy, peace, gratitude and love. I am growing every day and will never stop pushing myself to be a better me. I used to live in guilt, but once I started to forgive myself and fix my wrongs, everything became okay.
Recovery works. Even if you think there is no way out, there is, and I and many others are living proof of that. Just go to a meeting and see for yourself.
My name is April, and I love my new way of life. Please give it a try. It works when you work it, and you are worth it.