- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Faith
- Mental Health
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
My life is an open book. When we die, that what we leave behind. I love to share my story with others, share my experience, strength and hope and wish someone will benefit from it.
I grew up in New Jersey thinking that my father at that time was my biological father as well. I only found out at age twelve that he was not and it was always devastating for me and gave me an identity problem. I grew up pretty normal until the age of seven, when my life took its first unexpected hit as I was molested by my two African American female babysitters. My father had some racist tendencies and not only the problem that I was molested became a burden to my childhood, but also the fact that those girls were of black population made me believe that I had done something wrong and that it was my fault. I was the victim, full of shame.
I was always very popular in my childhood, excelled in all sports and had many friends. One day friends were over at my house and we were playing in the back yard, playing target practice by shooting dog food. As my father saw us wasting money and throwing the dog food around, he started hitting me with an electrical cord until I was totally bruised. My friends were horrified and my mom came out and beat on my father to help me. I was nine or ten at that time and it was a very bad and violent time in my life. My mom liked to party a lot and my dad was violent against her at many occasions as well.
I had a younger brother and as I found out that my father was not my biological father, I found out as well that my brother was only my step-brother. I started to put a wall up. We used to be very close, but I was so in shock about him being not my true brother as I always thought, that I did not know how to deal with the situation. My parents divorced when I was eleven and he was nine. He died of a drug overdose at age nineteen.
The separation at home caused me to separate from friends and social contacts at the same time as well. I was no longer accepted in school, no longer popular anymore. I felt as if I had lost my identity at home and at school at the same time. I was lost. I changed schools, but I did not fit in either. I stopped having any close relationships with friends or classmates. At age 15, I started to use alcohol and at first I felt like I was on cloud nine and it was the best thing in the world. But even my first encounter with alcohol was embarrassing. I peed all over myself and the couch and from there on, I felt embarrassed my entire life.
At age 15 I stole credit cards and booked flights to Florida for me and my brother to see my mom. We ran away from dad’s home. I refused to go back home to an abusive environment and my drug addiction took off from there. My brother went back home, while I started (at age 17) using cocaine and stealing from the store I worked at to provide for my habit, feeling completely and utterly hopeless. My first encounter with a treatment facility was at age 18 I collected six DUIs and was locked up multiple times for other reasons.
My brother came to Florida to visit me and we had a party in my house, where he ended up dying of an overdose. I was the one who found him dead and it was an extremely traumatizing event for me. Not being able to cope with his death, my drug consumption went through the roof and I was arrested shortly after, as I unintentionally dragged a police officer behind my car. She had stopped me and I took off with the car, high on crack and did not notice her hanging on to the back of the car. This incident took about two years off my life with incarceration in jails and institutions. I was only 21 years old and already had an excessive criminal history.
I was always good in business in general, but I self-sabotaged any good and solid job I ever had in my life. Instead of climbing up the career ladder, I decided on crack and climbed down the drug ladder. As I was clean and sober for a year after the last issue with the law, I started working at a promising job for a sober living program, took over the program, made it profitable for the owner and then started a treatment center on my own. It evolved to a prosperous business until I self-sabotaged again and had to sell it for a fraction of its worth.
I never involved myself with people that were using. I already was enough chaos as it was. I found my wife on an online dating site. She never used or drank and we have a daughter together today. I met my biological father when I was 29 while he was in prison. A relationship to my step-father is difficult as it always was, and my mom passed away two years ago.
I go to my knees every morning and pray and then spend my days trying to help other people to get clean and sober with my new company and website addictedminds.com. Workouts, going to the gym in the morning, and walking became also a big part of my recovery life today. Not knowing where I really belong, I picked a spot on the map and there I went. It brought me to Kentucky and I really love living here today. I have no intention of moving anywhere anymore; I feel at home, I fit in.