- Alcohol
- Drugs
I am in recovery for addiction to alcohol and opioids. I quit drinking in August of 2012 and went into inpatient rehab for addiction to pain pills in December of 2012. Since then, I had relapses with both alcohol and pills and finally became clean on March 21, 2013.
Can I ask you what pills you were using?
It started with Tylenol 3 containing codeine from a friend of mine to help with severe headaches. He quickly became my supplier for a number of years and would share his prescriptions with me.
For the longest time, I was fine with whatever he gave me in whatever amount. In April of 2012, I suffered a bad ankle injury. The doctors I went to couldn’t come up with a diagnosis. One day, after seeing the second orthopedic surgeon who also had no diagnosis, I walked by a pain clinic on my way back to work. I thought, “You know what? I wonder if these guys can do anything for me.” No longer was I reliant on my friend to get me pills, although I continued to ask for them and he was happy to share. Now, I was getting a new prescription every three to four weeks. They started me on hydrocodone, and just by saying, “well, that didn’t work” they would prescribe something stronger. By the time I went to rehab, I had prescriptions for morphine and OxyContin.
I also had a prescription for Valium from my primary care physician given to me because of my headaches. The pain clinic was fine with me taking Valium on top of their prescriptions. They never cut me off, even when my urine test at the pain clinic came back positive for something they weren’t prescribing me, which was against the rules. They never said, “One more time and you’re out.” When I got out of rehab I called to cancel an appointment I had scheduled and told them why. Three weeks later they called me back and asked me if I wanted to return as a patient.
What was the turning point for you? What made you decide that you had a problem and needed to stop?
The turning point was my wife finally telling me that I needed to stop drinking alcohol. For the longest time I was a social drinker. I could have a beer or two in the evening after work and be perfectly fine with that. Very rarely was I a hard alcohol drinker. At some point I flipped the switch and it was no longer just beer and wine, it was a lot of hard alcohol. When I would leave work at the end of the day, it was common to stop at a convenience store and buy a beer or two for the ride home.
Were you drinking while you were taking the pills, too?
Yes, anything to alter my feelings. I travel a lot for work and I wouldn’t think twice about getting to the airport to fly home and think, “oh, it’s the end of the week…it’s been a stressful week” and having a couple drinks before boarding the plane; and then continue to drink once on the plane. There would also be times I felt like I had to stop at the convenience store to get a beer or two to get from the airport to home because I had been drinking all day. I felt like I had to keep drinking to stay awake and be able to function.
In August of 2012, I was driving home from a business trip. I was severely drunk and had an accident with my car causing $5,000.00 worth of damage to it. To this day, I can’t tell you what happened. That was enough for my wife to say “Okay, that’s enough. You’ve got to stop drinking.” I woke up the next morning and quit cold turkey. I believe with the alcohol out of the picture, my actions and behavior while on opioids became more noticeable and prominent.
As soon as we would sit down on the couch in the evening after dinner to watch TV, I’d fall asleep. I’d fall asleep at the dinner table. I would sweat in the night or not sleep through the night. I had every excuse under the sun such as “I had a busy day at work”, “I’ve been gone all week, and I’m tired”.
In December of 2012, I went out of town for business. The phone conversation that first night out of town was an ultimatum from my wife saying she didn’t want me to come home until I had done something about the pills.
So, did you do something right away?
I didn’t know what to do. It never crossed my mind to search the Internet for rehab centers. The thought of going somewhere to get treatment or get help never entered my mind. By the end of the week, my wife agreed to let me come home while I figured out what I was going to do. I was severely emotional, didn’t know what to do and thinking “I can’t even come home.” I didn’t know where to go or who to call.
I exited off the interstate, pulled into a gas station and called 911. I had 2 bottles of pills sitting right next to me and I said, “Hey, this is what’s going on. I need somebody to help me or I’m just going take a whole bunch of these pills.” I was taken to the ER, and eventually that evening transferred into a rehab facility.
How long were you in rehab?
I was in rehab for a week and, honestly, I don’t think that was long enough. I think it was good as far as getting me off of the pills and getting me through that detox phase. I followed that with an outpatient program at the same rehab facility. Looking back, I wish my inpatient treatment would’ve been longer or it had been followed up with a stay in some type of rehabilitation home. I remember thinking “I wonder if this is how a soldier feels after returning from war and not knowing they have PTSD?”
I think coming out of rehab my wife and I were both in shock and didn’t really have the tools in place to deal with it. She was obviously angry, upset, hurt and betrayed. When I was in rehab, several people told her, “You should go to support meetings and get a counselor. Ryan needs to get a counselor, he needs to start going to meetings.”
I started attending support meetings and my wife also attended family support meetings, but neither one of us made it a priority to seek out counseling right away. Our relationship was strained so much that we really didn’t know what to do and the whole situation really impacted our relationship. It’s just been within the last eight months or so that we’ve gotten back on track and feel good about our marriage, and are committed to make it work.
Do you have any struggles in your ongoing recovery?
There are situations where I’ll think, “a beer would go good with that,” or “it would be nice to have a glass of wine and relax.” But I know that I can’t do that.
I don’t think about the pills as much. It would be work to have to go get them. I can’t just run to the drug store and buy a bottle of whatever.
What are you most proud of today in your life?
I am most proud of rebuilding my marriage with my wife and having a good relationship with my children. We’ll be married 21 years this July. Through all of this, my wife has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader and for that I’m very grateful and thankful. If the roles were reversed, I don’t know if I could have been that person.
What has helped you most in your recovery?
The biggest thing that has helped the most has been going to church as a family on a regular basis and getting involved in a recovery program with my wife. The program through our church is not just for chemical or alcohol addiction. It can be for anything: eating, co-dependency, anger, abuse, etc.
What would you tell someone at the beginning of this journey that is afraid they can’t do it?
Get “plugged in” somewhere. Whether it’s going to a meeting, church, counseling or finding a program like the program we attend at our church. The help is out there, you just need to find it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s amazing, once you start on your road to recovery, the doors that open for you, the people you meet and how much better you feel about yourself both mentally and physically. You can’t do it yourself. You can’t throw in the towel.