- Faith
- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
I was born in the late 1940s in Akron, Ohio. My grandparents had taken my older sister into their care to protect her from my mentally ill parents, and also because she was the daughter they never had. My younger brother and I were exposed to abuse by neglect. My parents were so self-absorbed that most everything they did was for and about them.
My mother took us to the doctor because she got attention for doing so, a Munchhausen’s by proxy situation. She would have the doctor talk to us about minding her. I remember being so lost and having no control at all, so I turned to food. As a child I did act out because it was the only attention I received. Also, my mother was a good cook and she insisted that we eat. I was not allowed to refuse food and I had to eat to please my mother. I eventually developed anorexia and bulimia as a way of coping, although I was of normal weight.
A revealing look into my life is that I became obsessed with leaving home. I applied for and received scholarships and grants to attend a four-year university. My mother had not completed her education after high school, so I became obsessed with getting my schooling. My mother was angry at me. She thought I should stay home, work, and give her money, typical of her narcissistic personality. No way, I thought. I am not going to repeat her mistakes and end up stuck in a loveless marriage. My father was abusive and so was my mother.
One time my mom stopped the car on the railroad tracks and threatened to stay parked there until the train hit us. My sister and I clearly remember this. If my own mother would try to kill us, I felt unsafe everywhere. She was homicidal at times. I didn’t understand her mental illness. Although she was very intelligent, she did not seek treatment, so I committed to getting well when I was able to care for myself.
I began throwing up in college and developed a lean body. I was getting some positive feedback here and there. I was so lost inside myself.
On my twenty-first birthday, I voted in my first Presidential election and left for graduate school. I never made it. I turned over my car and was injured. I had a near-death experience and went to God.
I forgot to mention that my parents were highly religious, too much so, and I had been taught God was punishing. In this near-death experience, I met a loving God. I did not want to come back to life, but God sent me back.
Years later, when the bulimia got really bad, I sought help through an anonymous 12-step program for overeating. The women there had what I call “fat abstinence,” and were not losing weight. Eventually I went to a more traditional anonymous group because I felt I could receive help there. I worked my steps and after the ninth step, I lost the compulsion to binge and purge. I was not even certain what date I got my abstinence, so picked a date.
I continue in that group with a “sobriety” date of 06/10/84. It is not easy to say I am an alcoholic because I could not ever drink one drink. My sponsor is in both of the groups I had tried. I get what I need in my newer group.
I have enjoyed 31 and a half years of abstinence, have not experimented with marijuana or had a drink in probably 35 or 40 years. I have a life I could never have imagined as a result of abstinence and sobriety. I have a loving God today, and that has made all of the difference.
Now I am in end stage renal failure on peritoneal dialysis, awaiting the call for a kidney transplant. I have given that to God. He is working on it. I love my life and trust God to take care of me.